Staying apart in lockdown, has probably ended a 2 year relationship. Anyone else?

[Movinghouse2015]

I've been in a relationship for two years. For the last twelve months it was progressing well, we discussed a future together.

Start of lockdown we made the decision to remain in on own homes. We both have responsibilities and it felt the right thing to do (also our only option if I'm honest.

My family situation - 2DC, 17 & 20. I'm working full time in a stressful role, 17 yr old studying A levels (year 12), 20 yr old home from uni. We live in a standard three bed, one bathroom semi, so not loads of space, but enough for us. My 20 yr old has a life long medical condition that puts them in the vulnerable category, so we have observed lockdown rules.

DP - over ten years ago and following divorce he moved back with his mum. She has numerous health conditions and was working in a low paid, low skilled job. She would have struggled to clear/pay her mortgage. DP made the decision to buy the family home (mum was given back what equity was in the house, which was not much). With the promise he would keep her housed. He had a relationship during the ten years before we met, he moved out with new partner, but returned when the relationship ended. His mums health is not great, she has not left the house during this period.

The latest bubble does not apply to us as a couple. Until the last few weeks I'd say we managed to maintain a positive virtual relationship. We have met for walks when the weather has been good (and it was allowed) and he has come and sat in my garden twice since 1st June.

I guess as this goes on, I see no end. Also, his mum (who is loving lockdown) is becoming more and more dependent on my DP. She is 71, but I wouldn't be surprised if she never left the house again. Her mum was the same and suffered similar anxieties.

Not really sure what I'm asking. But I feel myself distancing myself from DP. He has been lovely through lockdown, sent cards and thoughtful gifts. I asked if we could bubble, given neither household has mixed with others. He has refused and wants to wait until it's formally allowed. I've argued my 17yr old will be returning to school, so risks will be higher then!!

I feel so bloody low at the moment, work is awful and not having adult support (friends or partner) has been difficult. But I think the biggest problem is that I feel rejected, then I feel needy. I've been independent since my divorce, so know I can manage alone.

I think me wanting to create a bubble and his reluctance to break any rules will ultimately end our relationship.

I guess I'm asking, am I being unreasonable?

[QuicheQu1ck2]

Would you feel differently if he had vulnerable children in his household, instead of his DM ?

Just wondering

[Movinghouse2015]

Quiche no I don't think I'd feel different. That is because I know as a family we have followed the lockdown to the letter.

If I was out working, using supermarkets, public transport etc. Then I would not allow him to come over. I would no sooner put his mum at risk than a child.

I lost my mum in her very early 60's. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and certainly wouldn't put her at risk.

My argument/point was at this moment in time we are probably at our safest as family groups. I do not know if this will always be the situation going forward as we start returning to school, work, uni etc.

[mindutopia]

I think if after 2 years your relationship can’t cope with a couple months apart, then it sounds like it’s for the best.

Dh and I had to live in different countries, 11 hour flight from each other, for 2 years when we were dating, due to work obligations and immigration issues. We saw each other about every 3 months. It really did strengthen our relationship and made us pretty solid.

But if the relationship hadn’t been solid, it definitely wouldn’t have been possible to hang in there. And just as well I suppose.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Has it been confirmed that your DS's uni is re-opening? Most are going online aren't they?

I wonder what replies you'd get on this thread from a man wanting to break the law to get his legover.

[Movinghouse2015]

It is really not just about a leg over. What I miss most is sitting together, sharing a glass of wine and chilling on the sofa. The time apart possibly wouldn't be an issue in usual times if I was still meeting up with friends in the usual manner. Yes I have two DC, but they are my children. It's very different sitting chatting to them, than it is a friend or partner.

To be honest I feel very lonely and very isolated.

DC will return to uni. It is a mixture of face to face and online. We are also committed to paying rent on his house.

I have chatted with my DP and agreed to continue as we are. I've admitted in my posts that a lot of it was about my need. I work in what was previously a high contact/personal job prior to lockdown, it is now full time admin. I have a number of very close friends and yes we video chat, but it doesn't replace proper face to face contact. One thing this lockdown has made me realise and appreciate is my amazing friends and the support they have been over the years.

I am sure most of us have had periods we are struggling. This is my period, I feel I've hit a brick wall. I looked to my DP for support.

[Movinghouse2015]

I'm looking back through my posts to see where I said I wanted to bubble with DP to have sex!

To be honest sex would be very unlikely with both DC home 24/7! There really is very little privacy in this house.

It was for me about having support from another adult. I am home alone with my DC, but because one is over 18 we wold be breaking lockdown rules!

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

I’m in a similar position @Movinghouse2015 and it really winds me up when people and the papers imply it’s all about sex. That’s the last thing on my mind but some closeness and as you say, a bit of adult support would be so lovely after all this time without it.

I hope you can sort something out, hang in there 🙂

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Being "there for you" shouldn't have to involve breaking the law. At the moment the bubbles do not extend to those shielding nor to households with 2 adults in them. So actually whilst the OP can "bubble" the Ops OH actually cant.

The difficulties of living with a vulnerable individual mean noone can break lockdown without a shed ton of guilt that they might be the one to bring it back to the shielding individual and potentially kill them. It's hard.

Thats not to say the OP doesnt have her own challenges and upsets. She does. But i t will be hard on the Ops OH too.

I didn't know that single people have to choose another single person to bubble with
That's ridiculous and I'm not doing that. I'm bubbling with my brother and his wife because we are the only people we all want to see.

[CuppaZa]

I don’t think you are being unreasonable or unfair at all OP. Sounds like it’s been hard for you, and you haven’t had the type of support you’ve needed. Times like these highlight incompatibilities

[Gwenhwyfar]

"To be honest I feel very lonely and very isolated."

Don't we all though. Why do some people get to break the rules?

" very close friends and yes we video chat, but it doesn't replace proper face to face contact."

Yes, it's not the same, but that's lockdown isn't it and we can meet face to face outside.

"'m looking back through my posts to see where I said I wanted to bubble with DP to have sex!"

Must be other people who said that then, presumably because you're already meeting up outside so it didn't seem to be about companionship.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I didn't know that single people have to choose another single person to bubble with hmm"

I presumed a single person could bubble with a family. OP has an adult son so isn't a one adult household.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-53031844

[Movinghouse2015]

Something I say to my children is that you'll never fully understand how someone is feeling unless you walk in their shoes. This is very true about lockdown. Everyone has managed differently, everyone has had different stresses and everyone now has different needs.

During this period I have had significant losses and my dad was taken into hospital. I would usually draw support from those around me, please don't underestimate the power of a hug, the touch of the arm to offer reassurance.

Yes I have a 20 year old at home, but they have their own issues and emotional intelligence is not one of their strengths. Also I am their mum, I share what is happening in my life so they have some understanding, but I wouldn't emotionally off load like I would with a partner of friend.

Since we have been able to open gardens. The weather took a nose dive after the first few days. So that hasn't been possible or as easy as when the weather was better.

I'm meeting DP for a walk today. Yes, I'll feel better after the walk, but it is no the same. I will however continue to observe lockdown rules and will review as guidance changes.

[Ineedflour]

I don't know whether the relationship is a runner, or dp is too tied to his mother, but I don't think you can gauge that from his refusal to break current lock down rules.