Staying apart in lockdown, has probably ended a 2 year relationship. Anyone else?

[Movinghouse2015]

I've been in a relationship for two years. For the last twelve months it was progressing well, we discussed a future together.

Start of lockdown we made the decision to remain in on own homes. We both have responsibilities and it felt the right thing to do (also our only option if I'm honest.

My family situation - 2DC, 17 & 20. I'm working full time in a stressful role, 17 yr old studying A levels (year 12), 20 yr old home from uni. We live in a standard three bed, one bathroom semi, so not loads of space, but enough for us. My 20 yr old has a life long medical condition that puts them in the vulnerable category, so we have observed lockdown rules.

DP - over ten years ago and following divorce he moved back with his mum. She has numerous health conditions and was working in a low paid, low skilled job. She would have struggled to clear/pay her mortgage. DP made the decision to buy the family home (mum was given back what equity was in the house, which was not much). With the promise he would keep her housed. He had a relationship during the ten years before we met, he moved out with new partner, but returned when the relationship ended. His mums health is not great, she has not left the house during this period.

The latest bubble does not apply to us as a couple. Until the last few weeks I'd say we managed to maintain a positive virtual relationship. We have met for walks when the weather has been good (and it was allowed) and he has come and sat in my garden twice since 1st June.

I guess as this goes on, I see no end. Also, his mum (who is loving lockdown) is becoming more and more dependent on my DP. She is 71, but I wouldn't be surprised if she never left the house again. Her mum was the same and suffered similar anxieties.

Not really sure what I'm asking. But I feel myself distancing myself from DP. He has been lovely through lockdown, sent cards and thoughtful gifts. I asked if we could bubble, given neither household has mixed with others. He has refused and wants to wait until it's formally allowed. I've argued my 17yr old will be returning to school, so risks will be higher then!!

I feel so bloody low at the moment, work is awful and not having adult support (friends or partner) has been difficult. But I think the biggest problem is that I feel rejected, then I feel needy. I've been independent since my divorce, so know I can manage alone.

I think me wanting to create a bubble and his reluctance to break any rules will ultimately end our relationship.

I guess I'm asking, am I being unreasonable?

[Ineedflour]

I don't know whether the relationship is a runner, or dp is too tied to his mother, but I don't think you can gauge that from his refusal to break current lock down rules.

[Movinghouse2015]

Something I say to my children is that you'll never fully understand how someone is feeling unless you walk in their shoes. This is very true about lockdown. Everyone has managed differently, everyone has had different stresses and everyone now has different needs.

During this period I have had significant losses and my dad was taken into hospital. I would usually draw support from those around me, please don't underestimate the power of a hug, the touch of the arm to offer reassurance.

Yes I have a 20 year old at home, but they have their own issues and emotional intelligence is not one of their strengths. Also I am their mum, I share what is happening in my life so they have some understanding, but I wouldn't emotionally off load like I would with a partner of friend.

Since we have been able to open gardens. The weather took a nose dive after the first few days. So that hasn't been possible or as easy as when the weather was better.

I'm meeting DP for a walk today. Yes, I'll feel better after the walk, but it is no the same. I will however continue to observe lockdown rules and will review as guidance changes.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I didn't know that single people have to choose another single person to bubble with hmm"

I presumed a single person could bubble with a family. OP has an adult son so isn't a one adult household.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-53031844

[Gwenhwyfar]

"To be honest I feel very lonely and very isolated."

Don't we all though. Why do some people get to break the rules?

" very close friends and yes we video chat, but it doesn't replace proper face to face contact."

Yes, it's not the same, but that's lockdown isn't it and we can meet face to face outside.

"'m looking back through my posts to see where I said I wanted to bubble with DP to have sex!"

Must be other people who said that then, presumably because you're already meeting up outside so it didn't seem to be about companionship.

[CuppaZa]

I don’t think you are being unreasonable or unfair at all OP. Sounds like it’s been hard for you, and you haven’t had the type of support you’ve needed. Times like these highlight incompatibilities

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Being "there for you" shouldn't have to involve breaking the law. At the moment the bubbles do not extend to those shielding nor to households with 2 adults in them. So actually whilst the OP can "bubble" the Ops OH actually cant.

The difficulties of living with a vulnerable individual mean noone can break lockdown without a shed ton of guilt that they might be the one to bring it back to the shielding individual and potentially kill them. It's hard.

Thats not to say the OP doesnt have her own challenges and upsets. She does. But i t will be hard on the Ops OH too.

I didn't know that single people have to choose another single person to bubble with
That's ridiculous and I'm not doing that. I'm bubbling with my brother and his wife because we are the only people we all want to see.

[AGoodYearfortheRoses]

I’m in a similar position @Movinghouse2015 and it really winds me up when people and the papers imply it’s all about sex. That’s the last thing on my mind but some closeness and as you say, a bit of adult support would be so lovely after all this time without it.

I hope you can sort something out, hang in there 🙂

[Movinghouse2015]

I'm looking back through my posts to see where I said I wanted to bubble with DP to have sex!

To be honest sex would be very unlikely with both DC home 24/7! There really is very little privacy in this house.

It was for me about having support from another adult. I am home alone with my DC, but because one is over 18 we wold be breaking lockdown rules!

[Movinghouse2015]

It is really not just about a leg over. What I miss most is sitting together, sharing a glass of wine and chilling on the sofa. The time apart possibly wouldn't be an issue in usual times if I was still meeting up with friends in the usual manner. Yes I have two DC, but they are my children. It's very different sitting chatting to them, than it is a friend or partner.

To be honest I feel very lonely and very isolated.

DC will return to uni. It is a mixture of face to face and online. We are also committed to paying rent on his house.

I have chatted with my DP and agreed to continue as we are. I've admitted in my posts that a lot of it was about my need. I work in what was previously a high contact/personal job prior to lockdown, it is now full time admin. I have a number of very close friends and yes we video chat, but it doesn't replace proper face to face contact. One thing this lockdown has made me realise and appreciate is my amazing friends and the support they have been over the years.

I am sure most of us have had periods we are struggling. This is my period, I feel I've hit a brick wall. I looked to my DP for support.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Has it been confirmed that your DS's uni is re-opening? Most are going online aren't they?

I wonder what replies you'd get on this thread from a man wanting to break the law to get his legover.

[mindutopia]

I think if after 2 years your relationship can’t cope with a couple months apart, then it sounds like it’s for the best.

Dh and I had to live in different countries, 11 hour flight from each other, for 2 years when we were dating, due to work obligations and immigration issues. We saw each other about every 3 months. It really did strengthen our relationship and made us pretty solid.

But if the relationship hadn’t been solid, it definitely wouldn’t have been possible to hang in there. And just as well I suppose.

[Movinghouse2015]

Quiche no I don't think I'd feel different. That is because I know as a family we have followed the lockdown to the letter.

If I was out working, using supermarkets, public transport etc. Then I would not allow him to come over. I would no sooner put his mum at risk than a child.

I lost my mum in her very early 60's. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and certainly wouldn't put her at risk.

My argument/point was at this moment in time we are probably at our safest as family groups. I do not know if this will always be the situation going forward as we start returning to school, work, uni etc.

[QuicheQu1ck2]

Would you feel differently if he had vulnerable children in his household, instead of his DM ?

Just wondering

[Movinghouse2015]

Nomore I would not put my 20 year old or his mum at risk. We have all fully followed the rules. We have both had home shopping so avoided supermarkets etc. As it stands at the moment our homes are identical in terms of risk to each others health.

My 17 year old will more than likely return to school. She also has a part time job she wants to return too.

As a family we are going to have to assess how we move forward. We can't stay in total lockdown until a vaccine is found. My 20 year old is not in the shielding group. But would be more vulnerable if they were to get it. However, they will return to uni in Sept. This is there choice and I'll be unable to stop them.

It is with all this in mind that I believe now is the safest time to spend some quality time together, which now on reflection is probably selfish in my behalf as it is about my needs and not the need of those around me.

[NoMoreDickheads]

He has refused and wants to wait until it's formally allowed.

I think it's reasonable for him to not want to put his mum's life at risk and break the law. It doesn't mean he's not fond of you. Imagine how he would feel if his mum died as a result of his actions.

He's come for dates and to your garden etc, so it's not like he's avoiding you.

Read further down the thread- so you're prepared to put your 20 year old's life at risk for the sake of your emotional or physical 'needs.' Hmmm. This is not a need it's a want, if you don't get it you're not going to die or anything. If you feel your MH is that fragile please speak to your GP or consultant. You are actually seeing him, you just aren't sleeping with him or having sex.

I wouldn't necessarily want a bloke this involved with his mum, though.

Some people are different at different ages BTW. His mum has a lot of health conditions and also a timid nature compared to your gran.

My mum is 73 and still gadding around as usual seeing friends (more than she should be and has all along) but a friend's mum has to have someone get her shopping for her (even though I don't think there's anything significantly wrong with her, at least not physically.) Everyone's different.

But this whole mum situation sounds a bit annoying for you.

[Swimmingwiththebees]

@Movinghouse2015

Pics that is my concern. Than I question if I'm being unreasonable.

My gran is 92. She lives independently, during this lockdown she has managed amazingly. We have encouraged her to go out in nice weather on her mobility scooter. My siblings have done her shopping and we have kept her safe. She has mastered FaceTime at this grand age!!

So I do struggle with his mums lack of independence. As I get to know them more, it's apparent how dependent she is on my DP. He feels responsible for her, she had an awful relationship with his dad and did her best to provide for them. When he purchased the house I really do not think he considered the long term implications to his life. I'd really hate for my children as adults to feel like he does, it's not a healthy relationship in my opinion.

The breaking of lockdown is probably a side issue, long term I'm questioning our future with both our commitments. Both my DC can and will move out eventually (I am saving into an isa for them to support this). I don't plan on making them feel trapped staying with me if I'm alone. Obviously they will always have a home with me if needed and whilst studying.

Lockdown won't continue forever. You've done a long stint now and if the papers are anything to go by, soon you'll be allowed to officially 'bubble up'. I don't think he's being unreasonable wanting to wait.

You're right that the bigger issue is your future and whether you have one. I think you need to have a serious chat with him (probably face to face). What do you next 5 years look like? Your kids will move out and get more independent... Do you see him and you living together at this point? What does he see? He's obviously got a huge commitment to his mum and has bought into a house with her... Can he see leaving her alone? Does he think you'll move in to that house? Would you?

[Movinghouse2015]

Pics that is my concern. Than I question if I'm being unreasonable.

My gran is 92. She lives independently, during this lockdown she has managed amazingly. We have encouraged her to go out in nice weather on her mobility scooter. My siblings have done her shopping and we have kept her safe. She has mastered FaceTime at this grand age!!

So I do struggle with his mums lack of independence. As I get to know them more, it's apparent how dependent she is on my DP. He feels responsible for her, she had an awful relationship with his dad and did her best to provide for them. When he purchased the house I really do not think he considered the long term implications to his life. I'd really hate for my children as adults to feel like he does, it's not a healthy relationship in my opinion.

The breaking of lockdown is probably a side issue, long term I'm questioning our future with both our commitments. Both my DC can and will move out eventually (I am saving into an isa for them to support this). I don't plan on making them feel trapped staying with me if I'm alone. Obviously they will always have a home with me if needed and whilst studying.

[Hazelnutlatteplease]

Don't be hard on yourself and what you're feeling either. It's very real too.

It's just the Pandemic isnt fair and its putting people in positions they never thought they'd be in

[PicsInRed]

Bluntly, his mother sounds exhausting and emotionally...smothering. She could easily live another 10 or even 20 years. A significant minority live into their 90s.

You could be looking at a decade, two decades or even a quarter century plus of this. You could be 70+ before being free to find out if he actually wants to be free.

Has it occurred to you that Mum might not ever intend to share her son - and that's why the first marriage ended?

Think carefully about how you want the rest of your life to look. Your relationship ending is not 2 years wasted, if it ending vastly improves the next 40+ years of your life.

[Movinghouse2015]

Hazelnut I appreciate your point of view. It's very easy when sat alone to lose sight of others and their feelings.

My DP not wanting to break lockdown, felt personal too me. I know in reality that's not the case, but my minds been running away with me.

We have always communicated well. I need to consider why I needed him to after break lockdown. I'm not sure we would of broke it if he had agreed. I think it's that he wouldn't have the conversation that upset me.

[Hazelnutlatteplease]

He believes if they became ill and it was a result of him, I'd never forgive him.

I dont think you can underestimate the strength of emotion this feeling engenders.

And if ive been hard on you it is only because I really do feel for your dilemma. It's a new relationship for me (although friends for years) we saw each other in person (broke lockdown) just before they released lockdown as i figured this was going to be the safest time in a long time. As nice as the afternoon was I am very glad the 14 day incubation period is now over and it probably wasn't worth it. I won't be doing it again and am considering ended the relationship because a dont want to put boyfriend through what your experiencing. I can't and wont be putting another persons needs first. It makes me a very bad partner.

[Movinghouse2015]

Deep down I know I'm being unreasonable. I needed to hear it from others.

You are right, we have both agreed and adhered to the rules. Now I'm moving the goalposts and expect him to join me.

I need to reflect why I feel I need to do this and look at my own emotional needs.

[Igtg]

Yes that’s not ‘allowed’ for either of you I don’t think so I understand why he doesn’t want to. In time, things will get easier and you can be together more again. I don’t think he’s done anything terrible but it depends if you can endure it for longer.

[Movinghouse2015]

It is my 20yr old he uses as his reason for not breaking lockdown. He believes if they became ill and it was a result of him, I'd never forgive him.

I understand why he feels this. Both my children have been my world. My 20 yr old will return to uni Sept. They have to live their life.

If we consider both his mum and my DC, we will never be together until there is a vaccine. I believe as we have both followed rules, this is our safest time to spend time together.

I've agreed this would need to be reviewed as lockdown is eased.

[2020times]

Sorry but I think you are being a little unfair - you've both agreed to stick literally to the rules until now. You've decided you don't want to anymore, he hasn't. He can still provide emotional support, he just can't sleep in your bed (yet)