What age were your kids when you became a single parent?

[Duckingitout]

What age were your kids?
What was hard about their age?
What was easier about their age?

What did you personally find easier/more difficult than you had imagined being a single parent?

What tips would you give to someone who is planning their way out?

Do you wish you'd have separated sooner or later?

[Endless11]

(And you’re welcome - I think even now going over things helps me to process them.)

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

Thank you @Endless11 . Can I ask you how you explained the divorce and reasons for it to your children, and to your friends and family?

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

And also whether you ever talked about dad's abusive behaviour to children?

[okiedokieme]

DD's 18th birthday- well day after (he left me). Advantage, financial security through their childhood, disadvantage I'm old now! (Actually I have an amazing dp but it means we don't have kids together which is kind of sad because we won't have that bond.)

[okiedokieme]

Ps, dd says I should have left 10 years ago

[ChaoticCatling]

6 weeks. So never knew any different than it being just the two of us. He saw his father every two or three weeks until he was 5 and witnessed and remembers the abuse that eventually ended that contact, so he understands why I left. I don't know if it is easier on harder than I thought, I was in my early 20s and was practically a third parent to my sibling before that so I haven't really known any difference, I just did what I had to do. I wish I'd left when I was pregnant rather than thinking fatherhood would change my ex.

[pointythings]

15 and 17. I wish I'd done it two years earlier when I realised the extent of my H's alcohol addiction, but that's 20/20 hindsight.

Nothing about their ages made it harder. All three of us were united in knowing this was the right thing to do for all three of us - not so much for him. With them being older teens it meant they could refuse contact with him and he would have zero chance of getting anywhere through the courts - he knew that and didn't even try, had one half hearted attempt at therapy and that was it.

Financially it was tough, but I cut back on everything and was working full time in a decent job. He also let me have the house (mortgage free) in exchange for no maintenance - some guilt there, financially I definitely came out on top.

In every way but the formal I had been a single parent for years because he was too busy drinking to be a parent. The only differences we noticed were positive.

[Endless11]

Can I ask you how you explained the divorce and reasons for it to your children, and to your friends and family? And also whether you ever talked about dad's abusive behaviour to children?

@BraverThanYouBel1eve My friends and family had known about how difficult things were for a long time - in terms of the really long silent treatments I was regularly on the receiving end of (weeks and weeks), exh's sometimes short temper and the walking on eggshells etc... As well as the fact that he viewed all the marriage assets as his, so I felt disenfranchised and voiceless I suppose. So there was no need to really tell them the reasons as they already knew. Exh's family I have completely lost touch with - completely - they probably hate me, apart from one of his SIL's who occasionally messages me but who would never ask me anything about the divorce.

With my dc, yes I did try to tell them, and have since spoken about it to a degree, but that's harder as they love him too. I think they know and saw what it was like, but they will also back him up over stuff that has happened since the divorce but which has been unreasonable on his part (using my house to see the dc all the time basically - I have got used to it now but for a long time I really didn't like it). The way we handle it is by not discussing it (the past) too much - and I have always said how much I want them to see him, talk to him etc... They witnessed his bad temper however when he lived with us (not all the time, but enough times) and will sometimes refer to the fact that he gets too cross sometimes, so they do know that.

None of which means I was perfect in the marriage because I wasn't, and I struggled with that for a long time after the separation - but now I think fuck it, I made mistakes and contributed to the unhealthy dynamic, but that doesn't change the fact that exh's behaviour was what it was.

[Bubbletrouble43]

Around 18 months. I realised from when she was born that despite all the promises he wasn't going to shape up. She never noticed, so glad I did it when I did, and have never regretted it for a second.

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

Thanks again @Endless11 all very useful and mirrors how I feel. Thank you.