What age were your kids when you became a single parent?

[Duckingitout]

What age were your kids?
What was hard about their age?
What was easier about their age?

What did you personally find easier/more difficult than you had imagined being a single parent?

What tips would you give to someone who is planning their way out?

Do you wish you'd have separated sooner or later?

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

Thanks again @Endless11 all very useful and mirrors how I feel. Thank you.

[Bubbletrouble43]

Around 18 months. I realised from when she was born that despite all the promises he wasn't going to shape up. She never noticed, so glad I did it when I did, and have never regretted it for a second.

[Endless11]

Can I ask you how you explained the divorce and reasons for it to your children, and to your friends and family? And also whether you ever talked about dad's abusive behaviour to children?

@BraverThanYouBel1eve My friends and family had known about how difficult things were for a long time - in terms of the really long silent treatments I was regularly on the receiving end of (weeks and weeks), exh's sometimes short temper and the walking on eggshells etc... As well as the fact that he viewed all the marriage assets as his, so I felt disenfranchised and voiceless I suppose. So there was no need to really tell them the reasons as they already knew. Exh's family I have completely lost touch with - completely - they probably hate me, apart from one of his SIL's who occasionally messages me but who would never ask me anything about the divorce.

With my dc, yes I did try to tell them, and have since spoken about it to a degree, but that's harder as they love him too. I think they know and saw what it was like, but they will also back him up over stuff that has happened since the divorce but which has been unreasonable on his part (using my house to see the dc all the time basically - I have got used to it now but for a long time I really didn't like it). The way we handle it is by not discussing it (the past) too much - and I have always said how much I want them to see him, talk to him etc... They witnessed his bad temper however when he lived with us (not all the time, but enough times) and will sometimes refer to the fact that he gets too cross sometimes, so they do know that.

None of which means I was perfect in the marriage because I wasn't, and I struggled with that for a long time after the separation - but now I think fuck it, I made mistakes and contributed to the unhealthy dynamic, but that doesn't change the fact that exh's behaviour was what it was.

[pointythings]

15 and 17. I wish I'd done it two years earlier when I realised the extent of my H's alcohol addiction, but that's 20/20 hindsight.

Nothing about their ages made it harder. All three of us were united in knowing this was the right thing to do for all three of us - not so much for him. With them being older teens it meant they could refuse contact with him and he would have zero chance of getting anywhere through the courts - he knew that and didn't even try, had one half hearted attempt at therapy and that was it.

Financially it was tough, but I cut back on everything and was working full time in a decent job. He also let me have the house (mortgage free) in exchange for no maintenance - some guilt there, financially I definitely came out on top.

In every way but the formal I had been a single parent for years because he was too busy drinking to be a parent. The only differences we noticed were positive.

[ChaoticCatling]

6 weeks. So never knew any different than it being just the two of us. He saw his father every two or three weeks until he was 5 and witnessed and remembers the abuse that eventually ended that contact, so he understands why I left. I don't know if it is easier on harder than I thought, I was in my early 20s and was practically a third parent to my sibling before that so I haven't really known any difference, I just did what I had to do. I wish I'd left when I was pregnant rather than thinking fatherhood would change my ex.

[okiedokieme]

Ps, dd says I should have left 10 years ago

[okiedokieme]

DD's 18th birthday- well day after (he left me). Advantage, financial security through their childhood, disadvantage I'm old now! (Actually I have an amazing dp but it means we don't have kids together which is kind of sad because we won't have that bond.)

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

And also whether you ever talked about dad's abusive behaviour to children?

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

Thank you @Endless11 . Can I ask you how you explained the divorce and reasons for it to your children, and to your friends and family?

[Endless11]

(And you’re welcome - I think even now going over things helps me to process them.)

[Endless11]

@BraverThanYouBel1eve I think maybe we get to things when we are able to - if it was too difficult before then the right time to do it is when you can? As much as I also wish I had not wasted so much time in a marriage which was so problematic and free of affection and love. I wish you all the best .

[longtimecomin]

4, I definitely wish I'd ended it sooner.

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

@Endless11 thanks for writing it down in such detail, it's strikingly similar to my situation. I'm leaving now but I wish I had the strength to do it sooner.

[willowmelangell]

dd 6
I offered every weekend contact. I so regret this. I did all the school things but not the fun trips out.
I put her in nice clothes for her weekends and he would bring her back in old, small stained things. I wish I had put my foot down or demanded the nice clothes back.
I trusted him to pay what he said he would. Big mistake. Huge. I should not have trusted him. Should have been more business like. I just wanted things to be amicable and 'nice'.
Don't be me. Speak up. These are my regrets.
On the plus side, she has very few memories of the tension and door slamming, if any.
We still have a fabulous relationship.
We have great memories of playing, dressing up, movie night and making things.
One other thing. She does't bother very much with her dad now. She says he doesn't make any effort for her. I don't know if that is a positive or negative.
I found being a single parent so much easier than trying to be a parent in a marriage on my own.(he went out 6 nights a week etc etc)

[namechangenumber2]

So sorry @Babdoc

[SRB450]

I'm not a separated parent, but my parents divorced when I was 10 and my sister was 8. All I can say from my adult perspective 30 years later is that they should have ended it years sooner. We kids put up with years of watching their abusive and toxic relationship disintegrate into a burning pile of alcoholism and rage. No kid should ever have to go through that. It's emotionally scarring and can have dramatic impacts on their life ahead. Not saying this is your situation, but thought I would put it out there for anyone who might be able to relate to this type of toxic relationship.

[pumpkinpie01]

@Babdoc , that's so sad I am sorry.

[Babdoc]

Both still in nappies when my DH died suddenly.
Trying to cope with overwhelming grief at losing the love of my life, caring solo for a baby and toddler (with my nearest relative 250 miles away), and handling a stressful job as a hospital doctor in critical care, was exhausting and depressing. I had one weekend away from the DC in their entire childhood. And I still grieve my DH now, nearly 29 years later. On the plus side, I love my two wonderful adult daughters to bits, and we have a great relationship. They live and work in our nearest city, 50 miles away, and pre lockdown we saw each other frequently.
I think that being widowed is different to divorce, in that one has no choice in the matter, and no relief at being away from an abusive partner. But also no hassles dealing with an ex over child access, finance etc.

[Pippioddstocking]

12 and 13

It was tough, both children were deeply affected. I wish I'd left earlier but we were " trying to stay together for the sake of the children" . The worst thing I could have done .

I'm much happier being a single parent. Luckily towards the end of the marriage we were living separate lives almost anyway so I had lots of friends and hobbies to fill the social side .

I met someone else quite quickly ( totally by chance) but we have taken it slowly and now two years later we are moving in together.

[JemIsMyNameNooneElseIsTheSame]

DS was 3. It was hard, but he's now nearly 8 and doesn't remember me and his Dad ever living together which makes it easier. We've been in the family home ever since as it's taken 4 years for his Dad to be reasonable about the split of equity in the house, but the house is now being sold and we will have our own little flat closer to friends and family. The kids will be fine. You will find strength you never knew you had to help them through it. I thought my life was over when he left me for another woman girl but it was just the start of a supremely better life for me and DS.

[Herecomethehotstepper]

2 and 4. Best decision I ever made.

Everything is easier, financially, emotionally and practically. If I want to take the kids for a day out, we jump on the bus and go (not now obviously!). Before, I had to pay for him, feed him, put petrol in his car, placate him when his shitty mood threatened to ruin the day. Then we always had to leave early once he started needing a spliff

Life is fucking amazing now. You can do it op

[Endless11]

I agree that the practical arrangements are harder if the dc are younger, but also that the longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the more they are damaged. I see that with mine - they have a level of cycnicism that they wouldn’t have if they hadn’t been exposed to our shit marriage for so long. My eldest ds also sometimes mirrors his Dad’s behaviour which is sad. If I had left sooner he wouldn’t have been exposed to it in the same way, or the way I was sometimes ridiculed and dismissed.

[Endless11]

I was 49 (two years ago) and my dc were 12, 14 and 16.

I wish I had got divorced much sooner as I lived in an emotionally abusive and loveless marriage for many years, too scared to get divorced until it had got so bad that I saw no other way out.

I had been very scared that I would hardly see my dc as they would all decide to go and live with their Dad. However that hasn’t happened at all - long story - they do see a lot of him but mainly (pre lockdown) when he comes to my house while I am at work. In fact if they were all at his sometimes it might give me some more freedom.

I find the teen years challenging but that difficultly comes in waves. It is difficult dealing with stuff by myself sometimes but I was so lonely in my marriage that I don’t really feel a difference.

I would say that while getting divorced was hard and drawn out (difficult ex), and I had a lot of financial support from my family, being a single parent is much much better than being in a toxic marriage. The fact that I never have to walk on eggshells again or be subjected to the silent treatment is a continuous (when I stop to think about it) source of wonder to me.

So I would say - grit your teeth, you will get to the other side, and it will be much better. I have been through a long grieving period and also feel guilt about things I think I should have done differently in the marriage, but overall I am much happier. I cannot believe I let this person have so much of an effect on me and I am 100% better off away from his manipulation.

[booboo24]

I was 36, kids were 10 and 5. 10 year old grew up overnight, but it also tied in with her starting secondary school, so possibly it was going to happen anyway. The 5 year old thought he was going to die as his dad had died only a few months earlier, and he went back to his mum's, so that was the hardest thing to deal with in terms of the children

I don't regret anything as such, but I'd had a glimpse that he might not have been faithful when we were young (20) and so I regret not leaving him all those years ago. Overall though no, he was my best friend, and in some ways still is, we are both now happy with different people and co parent well. This was 7 years ago now

[namechangenumber2]

3 months old, but I'd been on my own really from before he was born.

Benefit of age - he was obviously too young to have any idea as to what was going on. I met DH just after DS's second birthday so it was a good age for him to come into his life - he's never known it any different.

Negative - He was so young that I obviously didn't explained to him at the time what had happened. So he reached about 9/10 and had questions that he didn't want to ask, tried to come up with his own theory etc.

So in hindsight I wish I'd sat him down and explained to him when he was younger.