Forgive and forget or once bitten twice shy

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

Name change as this is pretty identifiable .

When I was 17 (over 20 years ago) , my mum died. It led to a pretty difficult time , I had to move house etc. I was still at school with a few months to my final exams.

I had a group of friends at school , 7 of us mainly. I didn't really notice it at the time but suddenly I wasn't really getting invited to anything anymore and we weren't talking about 18th birthdays anymore. I noticed but I didn't notice if you know what I mean.

Anyway when I was studying at one friends house I found a note from another friend (before mobile phones were common). It said how annoying it was that they had to have all their parties in secret and how they couldn't talk about it in front of me because I was so depressed all the time... I was just a killjoy etc. She said she wished I'd just take the hint and leave them alone etc. It was a really awful note to read at that time.

I asked the friend who had received the note and she confirmed that they had had a few nights out and parties , they used codes to talk about it when I was there. I was like... Wtf?

I kind of went into a huge depression and left school and apart from meeting in the street etc I didn't really talk to any of them again.

I am more than over all this now , I really am. But the woman who wrote the note has moved close to where I live now and I've bumped into her a few times recently. She wants to go for a coffee when everything is back to normal , I don't, but I've been told I can hold a grudge.

Should I just let it go and start up even a basic friendship or would that be nuts?

Incidentally, one reason is 100% go no contact with her (cross to other side of street/ignore or block number/social media etc) is that if you do bring up the note or she remembers and makes a (fake) apology then you’ll feel guilt tripped into having some connection with her. Then you’re vulnerable to more devious behaviour down the line.

17 is old enough. I take it they all let you drift as a friend when you reduced contact? That's not what friends do. Although it might be satisfying to tell her why you lost contact years ago I suspect she already knows and has her take on it that makes her feel okay with the world. Keep your distance.

I don’t think anything is to be gained by meeting with her. I don’t think that’s holding a grudge, that’s knowing someone is a nasty prick and not wanting to be friends with said nasty prick.