Forgive and forget or once bitten twice shy

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

Name change as this is pretty identifiable .

When I was 17 (over 20 years ago) , my mum died. It led to a pretty difficult time , I had to move house etc. I was still at school with a few months to my final exams.

I had a group of friends at school , 7 of us mainly. I didn't really notice it at the time but suddenly I wasn't really getting invited to anything anymore and we weren't talking about 18th birthdays anymore. I noticed but I didn't notice if you know what I mean.

Anyway when I was studying at one friends house I found a note from another friend (before mobile phones were common). It said how annoying it was that they had to have all their parties in secret and how they couldn't talk about it in front of me because I was so depressed all the time... I was just a killjoy etc. She said she wished I'd just take the hint and leave them alone etc. It was a really awful note to read at that time.

I asked the friend who had received the note and she confirmed that they had had a few nights out and parties , they used codes to talk about it when I was there. I was like... Wtf?

I kind of went into a huge depression and left school and apart from meeting in the street etc I didn't really talk to any of them again.

I am more than over all this now , I really am. But the woman who wrote the note has moved close to where I live now and I've bumped into her a few times recently. She wants to go for a coffee when everything is back to normal , I don't, but I've been told I can hold a grudge.

Should I just let it go and start up even a basic friendship or would that be nuts?

[Ughmaybenot]

I don’t think anything is to be gained by meeting with her. I don’t think that’s holding a grudge, that’s knowing someone is a nasty prick and not wanting to be friends with said nasty prick.

[cantarina]

17 is old enough. I take it they all let you drift as a friend when you reduced contact? That's not what friends do. Although it might be satisfying to tell her why you lost contact years ago I suspect she already knows and has her take on it that makes her feel okay with the world. Keep your distance.

[Bunkbedpeople]

Incidentally, one reason is 100% go no contact with her (cross to other side of street/ignore or block number/social media etc) is that if you do bring up the note or she remembers and makes a (fake) apology then you’ll feel guilt tripped into having some connection with her. Then you’re vulnerable to more devious behaviour down the line.

[Bunkbedpeople]

100% what picsinred said

You’re quite a vulnerable, traumatised person (and were at 17) and this kind of person will smell that out and try to use you to take over your social life and connections.

I suspect (despite low self esteem( you’ve grown into a woman who is quite pretty/personable/charismatic/the kind of person others want to emulate and include in stuff and this woman is going to try to leech off that with no regard for your welfare.

[famousforwrongreason]

Personally I wouldn’t bother. It would make me too anxious. But if you go it would be brilliant to say ‘god remember when I found that note you all wrote about me, how awkward’ or words to that effect.
But seriously, time is precious, fuck her off

[Somethingkindaoooo]

OP I didn't mean that going for coffee was toying with her 🙂

I absolutely 100% think that what she did was wrong ( the ex friend,not the OP).

The whole friendship group didn't act with any sort of compassion.
I definitely don't think the OP owes anyone anything.

All I'm saying is that at 17, they may have been out of their depth emotionally. They may have acted in a terrible way and are now better,kinder people. Or maybe they are still jerks.

It's depressing to read that some people feel that at 17, we are fully cooked. We're not.

[monkeymonkey2010]

i've had similar happen to me over something else - and just cos i'm 'over it' after all these years, i am under NO OBLIGATION to entertain the bitches when they show up years later looking for attention.

what they did was NASTY.
They chose to treat you like that despite KNOWING you'd just lost your mum....they had NO SYMPATHY for you.....they went out of their way to effectively bully you.

You had nobody to tell you that this behaviour from them was unacceptable - and their age had nothing to do with it.
There was something wrong in their head and a defect in their personality, in my opinion.

I wouldn't bother with her.
Do you really want to be 'friends' with somebody who treated you like that?
She may be an adult but i bet she doesn't acknowledge her shitty behavior or apologise for it.

You walked away with your head held high and you did not owe them an explanation - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

They weren't your friends really, even back then.
They didn't value or perceive the friendship in the way you did.

[Crimeismymiddlename]

I thing other pp’s advice to be polite when you see her, and brush off her coffee offer is a good idea. It does not matter if she is the same person or not as she is nothing to you now. Also I can’t imagine that the girl you asked did not tell the entire group that you knew so she could have apologised at the time. When you withdrew from the group she never asked you why. She has also had a lot of time to get in contact with you. You keep your happy life to yourself and don’t let yourself be drawn back in due to her problems.

[billy1966]

No, not 100% fully for sure but I wrote "well formed".

Formed enough to know that you don't deliberately exclude a friend because she is grieving at the loss of her mother, and her grief is a downer🙄

Good grief, my son knew that at 14, when his pals Dad was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and was gone within months.

His friend group rallied around their pal during his awful grief.

Similarly with his pal's siblings, their friend group's gathered around them and helped them through such a terrible time.

Very normal behaviour.

The OP's circle were callous and beyond shallow.

Collectively they showed her exactly who they were....and that was not friends, or even half decent human beings.

The OP needs to protect herself and suit herself....exactly as @PicsInRed suggested.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

She wants to go for a coffee when everything is back to normal

I wouldn't...

Protecting your peace from toxic backstabbers is not the same as holding a grudge.

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

I have never once thought about trying to hurt her back. I don't wish her anything bad. I was very, very hurt but even back then I would never have been vengeful.

Sorry, I just got confused there , that by not jumping on her suggestion of coffee was playing games, or if even creating this thread was. Thank you.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Sorry,I wasnt clear...
I mean the suggestions of toying with her, and trying to 'one up' her and hurt her too would be demeaning. I'm not saying that you were entertaining those ideas 🙂

She may have grown up, or maybe not. She hurt you and you don't owe her a place in your life.
But I do think it's unfair of previous posters to say that everyone is grown and developed at 17.
I sure wasn't.

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

I was trying to base a decision based on what she did at that time nothing more. Whether she knows that I read the note or doesn't know is actually irrelevant to that, it just might excuse why she hasn't apologised. I don't play games. I was lied to by every one of my friends because of some stupid agreement that they all came to.

In the space of six months I lost my mum, my home, my friends and my education and it was hard. I just wanted to know if my feelings were relevant to what she had actually done as opposed to what I had actually went through, if that makes any sense. I have never been anything but polite to her when I see her. She is with her daughter after all. Thank you everyone.

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

@Somethingkindaoooo

Thank you for your message , that's really why I posted because I am too close to it to really judge, if that makes sense?

What do you mean though about demeaning myself by playing games? The reason I ask is because I really do try and not be a person who plays games and if I'm doing it somehow I would correct it.

Thank you .

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Hmmm

I don't believe your personality is formed at 17.
I'm much kinder, and have much more empathy now. Surely developing as a human being is usually an inevitable consequence of getting older ( for most of us).

I would be tempted to just be honest.
Tell her you found the note.

This doesn't mean you let her into tour life, or carry on as you were.
She may tell you that she is ashamed of how she acted, or she may try and make excuses.

Either way, you don't have to be her friend again or let her in.

But I do think it's unfair to judge someone based on their behaviour at 17, and you demean yourself by playing games.


I am sorry you went through it though, and well done for pulling yourself out of that tough time.

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

@billy1966 - Sorry , my papa was called Billy, I got overfamiliar. Perfect name. x

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

Thank you Billy , I've seen you a lot in the threads and I think you are absolutely lovely and really, very kind xx as are all of you

[billy1966]

17, your personality is well formed.

Absolutely awful behaviour.

Not a chance would I allow her within a mile of my life.

Class A Bitch is what she is.

@PicsInRed
👏👍
Word for word OP.

Your husband is also correct, you were lucky they showed you EXACTLY who they were.

Truly awful behaviour.
So very, very sorry for the shocking loss of your mum at such a tender age.

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

@SpringSpringTime

Thank you for your comment, it is helpful to have.

I don't know, I suppose I never got the feeling that she felt she had fucked up. Although, I don't know if she knows that I know about the note and the behaviour of the whole group ,(an episode of friends comes to mind).

If you stood up and tried to make it right and took the consequences then good for you. I think that can be really meaningful for the people who were affected by whatever it was that happened.

Do you know? I don't know how many people lied to me or excluded me because I wasn't fun to be around. The irony is I would have probably said I wasn't up for a night out or party and they could have went ahead no problem with no lies. I wasn't looking to bring anyone down or ruin anybody's 18th.

None of these people are in my life anymore and I'm going to keep it that way. I've decided that now. Thank you.

[strawberry2017]

I'm so sorry OP that not only you lost your mum at such a young age, that your friends didn't offer you the support they were old enough to give.
I'm not sure I would want to see someone like that again.
Although they may have changed I wouldn't want the memories replaying and I don't know that I could forgive that.
X

[PicsInRed]

What you said about letting her into my life and access to my friends and she would take them over , this has never occurred to me before but that's pretty much what she did back then.

There you go.

If she's that maladapted - which she is - and she makes friends by stealing them from other women (who she then alienates from her own friends) - which she does - she will do it again with no compunction.

Once you were a victim. Twice and you would be a volunteer. Don't be a volunteer.

[SpringSpringTime]

Ah whoops sorry didn't see your other replies. Your situation seems quite different, ignore me!

[SpringSpringTime]

I had the opportunity to apologise for a big fuckup I made at about 21 that really messed up my place in my friendship group (previously we'd been close all the way through secondary school). I'd taken the consequences on the chin (lost one friend, much-reduced contact with the group) and let the loss go, but I was very happy to clear the air with the person I really hurt. We'll never be super close but we are on coffee terms.

If you think you can handle it - and you might be surprised by what this brings up for you - I'd meet her, and let her know you found the note. She might have it in her to apologise, and wouldn't that be a good thing? And if not, nothing lost - mean then, mean now.

[itsAllinTheNameChange722]

@picsincheese - What you said about letting her into my life and access to my friends and she would take them over , this has never occurred to me before but that's pretty much what she did back then. I made an effort to make her part of my other group of friends. I'm not saying I'm Mary Poppins or anything , I'm sure I had my moments of bitchiness as a teenager but I always remember trying to be nice to her and being a good friend to her. Maybe she remembers it differently because that note wasn't nice at all.

@hugefanofcheese - I totally agree with you , I get why I would have been hard work at the time. I had to move to my dad's who lived about 6/7 miles away from my town as well so I wasn't really about as much. And then I was never supposed to see that note so it's not like it was a direct insult. To know that they were thinking that and talking about me like that. Pretending to talk about one thing instead of another. At the time it crushed me.

I've always really thought it was a really hurtful thing to do to someone, even if the intention was never for me to find out about it.

My husband just says I was lucky to find out what they were like before I wasted any more time on them.

It has been really helpful to get others points of view that you have no idea how much it helps that you seem to get that it was hurtful, so thank you everybody. This is good for the soul.

@jenthelibrarian - Sophie Hannah!. I'm a fan of hers. I'm going to check out that book. Thank you!

[hugefanofcheese]

I would just remain cool, polite, detached, always on your way somewhere if you see her.

Perhaps she is a more empathetic person now and to be fair, I kind of do see why it would have been a bit awkward at that age wanting to do teenage things but needing to treat a recently bereaved member of the group appropriately.

But 17 is old enough to be a genuine and kind friend, to have had that conversation "Jane obviously isn't up to joining us at the minute for nights out etc so let's not rub her face in it by talking about clubbing in front of her. We can ask her if she'd like to try joining us to the pub again in a few months or so".

Writing notes and going into what a pain it was for her was simply bitchy and selfish.

If you'd met her say at work or a hobby, i would say to have an open mind and see how it goes since you have to see each other and maybe she has changed etc but if it is simply a case of her wanting to join your social circle and reconnect, I wouldn't bother.

Very different circs but I have a couple of ex friends from that age I wouldn't bother with/ be wary of due to their awful behaviour then. It's young enough to make stupid mistakes but old enough to be a decent person.

You don't owe her anything.