Has anybody ever been cheated on, and the relationship survived? Its a long one, but I really need help, please.

[mumzyof2]

Hi, I dont want to sound like Im prying, but I was wondering if anybody has been betrayed by their dp, and the relationship survived? I understand a lot of people may not want to reply, but advice would be great.
Iv been with my dp for just over a year. I already had a son from a previous relationship, hes 2 and a half. My dp's ex, the mother of his 2 children, was once a friend of mine, until i started seeing dp. Im now 10 weeks pregnant with number two. In around March, me and dp started rowing a lot, I cant even remember why, and I ended up going to my mum and dads, and he went to demand to see his two children, as he has been stopped from seeing them by his ex, despite a years worth of court cases! She let hi in, and they ended up sleeping together. The day after, he told me he slept on her sofa. The day after, the same thing happened. His ex rang me and told me theyd slept together. He denyed this for a week, but finally confessed. I was devestated. Then, a month later, he did it again. And denyed it again. I dont trust him now, and what annoys me more, is that she will ALWAYS be in our lives because of the children, and she is SUCH a nasty person, you wouldnt believe, to the point where she rings me up to call my 2 yr old names! It hurts more, that they were dancing together at her house, they went shopping together, he even got his sister to lie for him, to my face, they had baths together, which is all just too personal for me to handle. None of this hurts so much anymore, but I cant forgive him for it, it was so uncalled for. And I STILL turn up at the court sessions for him, and fight his corner, when shes sat there looking at me. Im a strong person, REALLY, but this broke me down. Its never happened to me before. Im not massivly insecure, and I know that now theres a baby on the way, hes trying to change, ie, not going to the pub, as he used to go out and not come back, he doesnt smoke wees anymore, which he loved, and hes really trying to change. Does this sound like it may work? Or last? Why cant I orgive him? Why does it still make me cry? I hate him for what he did, and when I wake up in the night, I still think about it, although we dont mention it anymore. Will we be ok if he wants to change?

Well first things first i'd like to say WOW what an inspiration you are. You say you are not insecure and that is amazing I wish I wasn't

I am so so sorry that you are having to go through this. No one should have to. I know only all too well what things like this can do to you. All of my exes have cheated on me and it hurts.

I know you will probably NOT consider this as you love him but for your own sake please think about leaving him he will only continue to do this and she will take pleasure in making your life a misery. You have another baby on the way and that should be yours (and his priority) you dont deserve this treatment and by the sounds of it you are a lovely person.

The reason you cant forgive is because can you really trust him again? The old words of I will change are really most of the time only words and if he is out of the house, you are always going to be wondering where he is. It makes you cry because you are hurt and betrayed, the man you love sleeping with any woman would be enough but this is his ex!

As yourself whether you can really move on and forget about this and trust him? I hope I havent been harsh in any way but I have been here a million times before it never works out after because the trust is gone..

Mumzy, it's just not over between him and his ex is it. How can you proceed with a relationship with him on this foundation? Sorry if this is hard to hear.

I think you need help and support to go it alone because you deserve better than this.

There are loads of threads on here from people surviving after affairs, but equally loads who didn't. It just depends how much of a chance you are willing to give him and whether you HONESTLY believe he is going to stop doing it. Does he still have feelings for her? Does he have to see the kids when she is there or can't a neutral person bring them to him so he doesn't have to have any contact with her?

dp and I survived, but it was a different situation i.e. a one off and I had also not been entirely faithful myself so a bit different.

I really really feel for you. I hate how this always seems to happen when people are pregnant or have newborns. Just when you really need to be bundled up and protected from the world. You sound like a brilliant person but don't be so kind as to forget you need to protect yourself. And remember it is ok to feel shit and unforgiving about this, you can't forgive stuff straightaway, even if you want to. You are perfectly entitled to hate him for what he's done, it doesn' mean you will hate him forever.

I have one experience of an unfaithful partner and I wish to god I'd learned from it and left him at the time. I didn't, forgave him, he left me when I was pg.

It maybe not even an issue of whether he'd do it again (though in your case, I'd seriously suspect he could). Just the fact that someone can do that to someone they love is more generally indicative of bad character. Sex and baths and shopping apart, your OH has shown himself to be selfish, disrespectful and a liar, not once but repeatedly. Giving up weed and going to the pub less often might be easier changes to make than to actually improve his personality and his treatment of you.

I know this is harsh, don't mean to sound nasty, just wish I'd had this sensibility five years ago

it doesn't sound over, or like he's a great person TBH. Once is one thing, but to lie, do it again, lie, get family members to lie...surely you're worth more than that?

based on the fact he slept with his ex, who is an ex friend of yours, and the mother of 2 of his children, and lied about it, and has to see her because of the children.. i don;t see how it can work. the trust would be gone for me, totally. she , if she wants to be vengeful, and hurt you as you were her friend, can lead him a merry dance re the children to keep him involved, and as she has got him back in bed before, she knows she can do it again.

he might want to change, but has he? he won;t talk about it, but it is stopping you sleeping at night? how sure are you he is not smoking weed anymore...

i would find it very, very hard to live peacefully with him

sweetheart you have been really brave and your not to blame at all but i really feel i have to say something to you. Leave. A nights reunion doesnt include baths and dancing and your two year old doesnt need her nonsense. I cant believe that any woman would be so disgusting. He is welcome to her. I was left when i was pregnant and i have built a lovely life so it can be done (although there is no denying its hard). Whatever you decide huge hugs - have you got plenty of support - being pregnant and with a toddler you really need to make sure you have at least a good ear ( you will find loads of those here!)

Thanks everybody, glad I got some answers. He hasnt stopped smoking weed, I went in the garage the other day and he was in there smoking it with his friend. He has a drugs test in a few weeks, because his ex is demanding one, and he doesnt seem to understand how important giving up weed is to me. He thinks that because hes been doing it all his life that it doesnt matter, but it does matter, to me. Its wrong, and not nice. His ex has started following me around on Facebook and emailing me harrassing me, Iv had to block her name, I just cant get away from any of it, its drivin me mad.
In answer to everyones questions, no I dont think he has feelings for her, but he is easily swayed. When he was with her for the weekend a few months ago, I know he was thinking about going back to her. But now he hates her because she wont let him see the children. Im not sure if its healthy or not that I have anything to do with helping him fight for the children, what do you guys think? I love him very much, and his children, but I have two of my own, and after all the trouble she has caused, the thought of her makes me want to die, should I stay out of the chldren situation, and let him do it on his own?

I couldnt trust him if he did it once let alone twice!
I dont think the weed and pub issues are of paramount importance its the cheating that is seriously out of order imo. Youll be making it harder and harder for him to give up this that and the other and to stop seeing ex. Too much demands, he will undoubtedly turn back to her, esp if she smokes it too?

No, no, but there wasnt much of a gap, a couple of weeks maybe. It sounds bad, but she wasnt much of a friend. She was nasty, very nasty to all of us, everybody.

Btw, i have been cheated on and it was a horrid horrid feeling. I dumped the guy in qustion after an 8yr relationship and one fling. Tbh, i never really trusted him always was suspicious and then eventually my suspicions came true. Am with dh now and i have no problems or worries about him straying.
I wasnt pg though at he time as you are, you poor thing. What a wanker!! Its gotta be the lowest thing for a guy to do, to cheat when your pg! Id be tempted to take serious revenge in some way.

So should I just let the weed thing go? I do feel as though im trying to control his whole life. He only smokes it at night, and he always smokes outside. Should I just let it go? I just dont know what direction to go in anymore, so much has happened.

Oh sorry, he didnt cheat on me when I was pregnant, im only three months pregnant, this happened over Easter.

It doesn't sound like either of them are over each other tbh

I do think relationships can survive betrayal. But the lies have to stop and both sides have to want to save the relationship as much as each other.

Do you think he wants it as much as you? Is he giving you the same level of committment that you are giving him?

If he's not then perhaps you do need to take a step back for a little while. Let him fight his own corner for the children. Let him have a taste of how things are when he doesn't have your constant love and support.

I'm sure that will make him come to his senses. And if he doesn't, then maybe you are better off without him in the long run. Only time will tell. But he really should be doing everything he can to make this up to you now. And it doesn't sound like he is. Can you ask him why?

Do you think he would go to relationship counselling? Does he know just how unhappy you are?

Yes drop the weed issue and focus on the important stuff, that can come later if you stil feel the same about it.
Personally, i dont think there is much of a problem with weed, no more than alcohol. Other drugs are an issue, but a spliff in the evening is no worse that a glass or two of wine imo.

He says he loves me more than hes ever loved anybody before, and thats why HE can understand why he cheated on me. Hes never cheated on his gf's before. I know thats true because I know all the gf's hes had since he was 19, hes 27. Glad iv had some direction on the weed as im started to get fed up with whining at him, but REALLY dont want it to show up on this drugs test. So what about the children, should I keep out of it. It means a lot to me, they are wonderful children, and I love them dearly, but Iv got my own pregnancy to concentrate on, and my son, and my relationship.

It takes one full month for weed to clear out of system btw.

It sounds like you want to blame her for the cheating, but of course you know it takes two to tango!

I feel very sorry for you

I would not worry about the weed issue at the moment, if he messes up his drugs test then it's his own fault/problem.

The situation with the ex, i would personally speak to him see what he says & feels about it all, what does he say about his ex does he still have feelings for her?

Personally i could not just forgive & forget either but i think you either need to try & move forward or even better maybe you should have a break/time apart? it may make him see what he will be loseing & may make the heart grow fonder if you know what i mean?

I just think you need to stop it now & not let him think he can get away with this, what he has done is totally wrong & totally out of order to you, you have a son & a baby on the way you don't need the stress.

How often does he see he ex?

No, I didnt blame her. She just slept with the guy that she loves, I would have done the same. He was the one that gave her hope, and jumped into bed with her. I know it was him, not her. She did what anyone would have done. But I DO blame her for ringing me up to call my 2 year old a spoilt brat, and ugly. Thats unforgivable, and hurt me very deeply, because she knows that I wouldnt do that back to her. Its just not in me.

He never see's her, only at court, every couple of months. She's supposed to let him have the children every Saturday, but she ignores that judge, and never turns up. But she'll have to give in one day, and Im going to see her every week.

Yes, that was childish of her. She obviously didnt have anything ekse to say against you so pulled in on your ds. Very out of order!

Theres no reasoning with somebody of that mentality. She was begging me to be her friend yesterday!(yes, shes crazy) and when I explained to her that she slept wth my boyfriend, said lots of nasty things about my son, and all of us, and that she hasnt let my dp or me see the children for over a year (apart from the 3 occasions in March/April), and because of these reasons there is not a chance I would be her friend , civil maybe, for the children, and because sometimes its helped agree on things because her and dp can talk to each other without being very nasty, and after I told her that that ouldnt happen, she started being nasty again, and childish. Shes so hard to deal with, I cant think of a worse person dp could have had children with, but im sure there are a lot of women that think that about their dp's and ex's.