Has anybody ever been cheated on, and the relationship survived? Its a long one, but I really need help, please.

[mumzyof2]

Hi, I dont want to sound like Im prying, but I was wondering if anybody has been betrayed by their dp, and the relationship survived? I understand a lot of people may not want to reply, but advice would be great.
Iv been with my dp for just over a year. I already had a son from a previous relationship, hes 2 and a half. My dp's ex, the mother of his 2 children, was once a friend of mine, until i started seeing dp. Im now 10 weeks pregnant with number two. In around March, me and dp started rowing a lot, I cant even remember why, and I ended up going to my mum and dads, and he went to demand to see his two children, as he has been stopped from seeing them by his ex, despite a years worth of court cases! She let hi in, and they ended up sleeping together. The day after, he told me he slept on her sofa. The day after, the same thing happened. His ex rang me and told me theyd slept together. He denyed this for a week, but finally confessed. I was devestated. Then, a month later, he did it again. And denyed it again. I dont trust him now, and what annoys me more, is that she will ALWAYS be in our lives because of the children, and she is SUCH a nasty person, you wouldnt believe, to the point where she rings me up to call my 2 yr old names! It hurts more, that they were dancing together at her house, they went shopping together, he even got his sister to lie for him, to my face, they had baths together, which is all just too personal for me to handle. None of this hurts so much anymore, but I cant forgive him for it, it was so uncalled for. And I STILL turn up at the court sessions for him, and fight his corner, when shes sat there looking at me. Im a strong person, REALLY, but this broke me down. Its never happened to me before. Im not massivly insecure, and I know that now theres a baby on the way, hes trying to change, ie, not going to the pub, as he used to go out and not come back, he doesnt smoke wees anymore, which he loved, and hes really trying to change. Does this sound like it may work? Or last? Why cant I orgive him? Why does it still make me cry? I hate him for what he did, and when I wake up in the night, I still think about it, although we dont mention it anymore. Will we be ok if he wants to change?

SHOULD I LEAVE MY HUSBAND?

Hi everyone, this is the first time ive been on the site but im in desperate need of advice. I found out last nite from my husband that he cheated on me just over a year ago with a work collegue. He says it was at a work do and he was very drunk. What makes it worse is that i was seven months pregnant with our daughter at the time. He only decided to tell me yesterday because he thinks he has a STD and may have passed it on to me! I feel so betrayed on so many levels, any advice? Should i give him a second chance but forever be wondering if he's done it again, or leave him. x

Hi, please dont take this the wrong way, but you may want to start your own thread with your problem, you're more likely to get answers.

em, do you want to start another thread? poor you, that is really awful at least he has come clean to you to try to protect you all...

i gave a second chance... and we are ok. it doesn't go away forever but it does get better. it depends how you feel about your relationship now, are you happy with him? do you believe he really loves you and is sorry?

mumzy, i would drop the weed thing as he needs to give itup when hes ready (perhaps messing up a drugs test will give him a bit of a kick up the bum?). Probably back off from the custody stuff too. she sounds absolutely VILE to me and you could do with having as little as possible to do with her. he probably knows in the back of his mind that if he sleeps with her/getse back with her or whatever it is an easier way of getting to see his kids, so is more easily swayedby her. poor you. it is really awful. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and dd while you are pregnant.

hhugs

Thanks guys, its like i need some people to make decisions fo me. I feel like i need to sit and have a chat with him,but i dont know what about?! and if its ever mentioned, i feel as though i should be over it by now because it was 6 months ago. Its completely taking over any spare time I have because I just think about what they were doing, and the callous way he lied to me, it gets me so upset, but im sure he doesnt understand what its done to me. Im such a strong person, Im only 21, and been through a hell of a lot before I even met dp, but hes managed to break my sanity in a way that nobody else ever has. I love him so much, and it hurts constantly to think of how betrayed I was.

oh mumzy i really want to give you a big hug

these things dont have a time limit on when you are supposed to get over them... dont pressure yourself to feel ok about it when you're not. you are pg which is one of the most vulnerable times of your life and ime brings out every doubt and insecurity you could have... and you have a lot to deal with.

if you want to talk about it then do... dont let him fob you off remind him you are the one who has been hurt here so he should be helping you to recover

You need to let him and cliche as it sounds your needs are not being met - in that you still need reassurances and sorrys from him. dont beat yourself up if that is how you feel dont let anyone tell you you should be over it, there are no set rules. Do you feel as if you are biting your tounge to keep the peace?

Poor your there is hope - we are working through my H affair and what is keeping me going is his constant appologies.

Good luck.

it was meant to read - tell him.

It is the worst feeling, betrayl. Of course you realise that relationships are built on trust and if you dont have that, well you really have to wonder if its worth it. Of course now you are pg, the decision is not so easy. It would be easy to say, dump him, there are plenty more fish in the sea etc, but this isnt really an option now. I would talk to him i think even if your just covering old ground again if thats what you feel you need to do. If he doesnt like it, well its tough, he made this situation and you both have to live with that. You cant be expected just to forget all about it, i know i couldnt.

thanks, thats what i needed to hear really. i just feel like im starting trouble,because life would be easier if i didnt mention it. I know he'd be so angry at himself if he knew exactly how I feel, its ruining a large part of my life because its on my mind constantly, more so now that im pg, and im not sure why that is. I love him soo, much, and he loves me, so why does it still hurt so badly? Iv promised him that I would go to court with him next time, but im just not sure i can do that, although I know he'd like it if I were there for him. I just dont think I can sit and look at her face to face, because my mind wouldnt be on fighting for the children, it would be on what they did together. In two months time, tne court date is alloted for a whole day, and thats a long time to look at the person that was sleeping with your bf, and caused me so much heartache. Im not sure Id be able to sit there without bursting into tears...I cry every time I put a new message on here about them.

dont go

you must tell him how awful you feel and that you need to hear sorrys and reassurances

really feeling for you

Bless you.

Your making me want to cry!

Im sure itll all work out at some point. I guess she will find someone else and she will end up having a lo with someone else and you will be happy and forgotton about. Lets look at the big picture! You will be fine, have a lovely new baby, who loves you. Life will move on, it may be painful now but life does move on. People change over time. And if he does end up leaving for her or you leave him then im sure it was meant to be that way. Your very young, with a long life ahead of you, you and your dc will be happy. I just know it.

X

.

it seems that you are in an awful situation. but what confuses me is why you are willing to put so much time and effort into this man. why you are takingon his problems. why you are letting him give you soooo much crap?
and why are you having his baby?

nothing that you have said about him makes me think he deserves someone as wonderful, loving, supportive and strong as you obviously are. he has totally disregarded you, your feelings, your pregnancy. everything. and yet you are still doing so much for him.

as someone who is in a relationship where her dh treats her very badly, i do understand the love thing. but life cannot be lived on love alone. practical considerations have to be looked at. and there just dont seem to be any positives in what you have said.

I am a regular with a new name. Today I went to see an analyst because the resentment I feel towards DP after years of his infidelities has poisoned our relationship and is now poisoning the way our daughter (4yo) relates to him too because she is picking up and copying the way I feel towards him and the way I speak to him. He is not a bad person and in many ways is a great dad and helpful partner but when someone is unfaithful to you it destroys a bit of your love for them. When they do it over and over again it chips away at your heart until there is nothing left. Are you prepared to feel like you do now for the rest of your life? If not get out while you can.

mumzy, how ru?

Hi,im ok thankyou. Weve just had some letters off the police, because dp is pressing charges against her, she attacked him a few times a couple of months ago and has scarred his face and his arm. I saw it and am going to be asked to be a witness because its going to court at the end of october, but i dont want to see her, i really dont. I know there doesnt seem many positives, but there are. You know when you just know something? Well I know he loves me dearly, and as somebody said earlier, like their dp, mine is a nice man. Its unexplainable, which I why I cant get over it i think. If he was a cold hearted bastard to me constantly, then I ould understand. But I know he hates her, we both feel nothing but hate for her for ruining our lives, shes dominated a large part of our lives for well over a year now, but we still have to fight on for the children. Its awful really.

the opposite of love is not hate. it is indifferance
if he hates her, then it is very understandable his being able to sleep with her.

if all this is happening to her, what makes you think it wont happen to you in a few years time? when he has a new girlfirend, and you are the one withthe babies at home?
you said you were her friend before you got together with him? will you be able to introduce him to any of your girlfriends without wondering that he will go off with her once the romance of you is over with?
i just think you would be a gazillion times better off without him, or her in your life.

wildpatch
she is pg!

all th emore reason to be rid of him.

I see what your saying but she loves him and is pg. That is not an easy solution for her imo.
She will never be rid of him entirely cos of the baby.

agree haychee. but life cannot be lived on love alone.
this man has already poisoned one womans life. and is doing a pretty good job of poisoning her life too. i just feel an injection of cold hard practicalities is sometimes needed. going by his past record, he will make her suffer with other stuff in years to come. will love be enough then?

I admire everyone on this thread. My first two relationships ended with DP being unfaithful. There's nothing like it to completely rock your trust in the world. My third and current relationship (we have a three year old DS and a DD on the way) seemed fine, until when I was six months pregnant this time round I looked over at a wedding to see DP lying in the arms of a "friend" of mine on the sofa.

No kissing (too public), but it had crossed that invisible line, and there I was with a toddler and v pregnant. I feel terrible posting on a thread about someone sleeping with his ex, but weirdly I've found that sofa-wedding episode as hurtful as previous relationships where my partner has slept with someone else.

It plays on my mind every day. I've only just stopped crying about it every day after several months. What do you do in this situation? As a mother, I guess you just focus on the things that really matter - the children - and hope to have perspective one day on the DP issue. Til then we're just trundling along, not sleeping with each other etc. etc......

Big hugs everyone...