I dont like telling you things because..

[PinkThings33]

I know what your overthinking mind is like.

He's right, I do overthink things sometimes. Coming from a bout of bad relationships, I'm used to being hurt so I've pretty much always got my guard up. I am working on this as I've got nothing to worry about with this guy. He is so loving and caring, thoughtful. Everything you could want in a person. We often say we are the opposite sex version of eachother because we're so alike.

Anyway, back to what I was posting about. We've been talking about getting a place together. He wants to wait till the lockdown is completely over. No one knows how long it will take but we had hoped it would be this year.

Someone said, well what happens if it doesn't work out for this year. So that got me thinking. I asked him about it and he says, I've thought the same a while back so obviously I'm like, well why didn't you say anything? Basically, he worried that I'll get bored of waiting and I'll walk away. Then he comes out with the overthinking thing. Which that, to me, sounds like he is doing the same.

He should tell me these things, right? If he's got concerns about anything? Or if he's worried about anything?

We've always said we would talk about things but he isn't. And honestly, its made me feel a bit shit.
As in like, well if he didnt tell me that what else hasn't he told me? See what I mean with the overthinking?

So, am I right to be upset or not? I know I need to work on myself and the past few weeks I've got myself out of it a little bit. Thinking positive, not negative. Sometimes not even thinking at all. I think its a bit of self sabotage if I'm being completely honest. I'm looking for things that aren't there. Always wondering if I'm good enough.

Help me get out of this way of thinking, I dont want to push him away.

I don't actually know what you're upset about.

The fact that he won't tell me things stuff like whats on his mind because he thinks I will then go away and overthink what he's said to me.
Thats upset me.

But he's right?

I agree with @ErickBroch. You're making a mountain out of a molehill it would appear... there's nothing in your post to fall out or worry over...

Yeah sorry, he is right. This is self-sabotage. It's pretty unacceptable to make your partner feel afraid of telling you anything because of your reaction. You admit what your reactions are like but then are annoyed he doesn't want to say things that may upset you? It's not like he's hiding any lies from you, he sounds genuinely too worried to tell you things because you will sulk and be negative.

BTW if he was hiding serious things from you it's diifferent. But my partner is not obliged to tell me literally every thought he has in the day?

Sorry to post again but i can't actually believe you think it's ok to behave like this to someone because they didn't tell you about a thought they had in passing a while ago. In their own mind.

I've never reacted badly to anything he's said to me. I've always reassured him if anything.
My overthinking comes from situations like.. Not being able to see eachother due to lockdown. Not being able to save for a house due to same reason and worrying if it will ever happen.

My overthinking has never been anything about me and him. But clearly from his side of things, he seems to not want to tell me things.

I only asked why he didn't tell me because he's been worrying for ages now that I'll get bored and leave. Whereas if he actually told me when he thought it I could have helped put his mind at rest and he wouldn't have been worrying about it for ages.

Aren't you proving him right with this very thread? You even (sort of) admit as much in the opening post. "See what I mean with the overthinking?"

Surely every one of us has kept things from our partners (for a short while at least) for any number of reasons, it's quite normal to think something, and not immediately blurt it out to anyone we're with....

So you have now convinced yourself that by him not bringing up a passing moment he had - this has blown into he must not be telling me other things.

I'm not sure what to tell you but you need to stop as you are really causing some unnecessary Sabotage here.

I think take a moment and clear your head as this is not a relationship problem moment.

What he actually means is ' he doesn't want to deal / have a conversation about it'

But Instead makes it your fault.

Why is dealing and solving problems A bad thing?... that makes no sense at all.

Everyone I know supposedly over thinks but it doesn't mean it's a problem it's only bad if it's negative thoughts, like self hate

NOBODY owes someone else the right to know every passing thought in your own mind! That is extremely controlling to think so.

I wouldn't call it a passing thought, hes been worrying about it for weeks.

I recognise i need to work on myself, I mainly over think things that are out of my control. They're not even negative things, just general worry.

I'm not saying he has to tell me everything but something that's worrying him, I'd rather him tell me.

@ErickBroch you've got the wrong end of the stick here. Chill out will you.

@PinkThings33 or maybe you don't express yourself clearly? You are just dripfeeding information. Your initial post plainly said that he didn't tell you about something that had crossed his mind and you were really upset about it.

You are now adding further info such as 'he has been worrying about it for weeks' - how was I supposed to know that?

Personally I think you should not be upset with him and look at your actions that make him afraid to tell you things. I have had to do this in my relationship also - look at my own behaviour and understand why it's causing the reaction I don't want.

He hasn't done anything wrong here. I have all kinds of thoughts, also over several weeks and longer, that I don´t share with anyone, including my partner.

He is right that you overthink things. You are overthinking here that him not sharing one thought means that he is hiding things. This guy really likes you. He wants to move in with you so much that he is worried about it not happening. If you are worried about him not sharing because of your overthinking, then you need to address your own issue, not make it his problem.

What are you doing to try to stop your own destructive thought patterns?

I know he's not hiding things, its just how my mind works.
I'm just thinking positive and when I catch myself thinking negative, generally I will busy myself. Read. Clean. Till the thoughts are gone. Its never bad thoughts about me and him. Its just life in general.

Can anyone else suggest any other things I can try?

Can anyone else suggest any other things I can try?

In the longer term, therapy. I'm not saying that in a snarky way, I really think you'll self sabotage if you don't address your thought pattern here.

You sound ever so intense and you're also defensive which is a recipe for turning a relationship toxic, so if this one is a relationship you really think could go the distance then it would be good for you to work through the issues on your side.

It's very hard to follow your train of thought on here and you seem to prioritise your entitlement to feel how you feel and think how you think over other peoples.

Saying "it's just how my mind works" makes it sound like you aren't genuinely willing to explore why and change it. I could be wrong of course.

I'm saying this as someone who has done a lot of work on myself (which is painful at times) to get to a place where I can be a calm, secure and equal partner in a lovely relationship.

I think that if you're happy with the way you think, you should be with a person who is also happy with the way you think.

If you're not happy about it, have a look into why you do it, and if you can ease it somehow.

It happens when I'm feeling down. I dont want to be like this and over the past couple of weeks I have got better.

I dont have anyone I can talk to IRL so quite often those thoughts just continue to fly around in my head. I suppose that's why I posted on here really, just so it wasn't In my head anymore.

I love my guy, he's the best thing to ever happen to me. I dont want to ruin it.

Get people to talk to irl. Make that a top priority. You need perspective. That's what friends are great for.

Have you always thought in this way? Distracting yourself isn't the best way to deal with negative thoughts, always... it can mean you just avoid stuff.

Since my last relationship which was about 8 years ago. Was together for 2 years. He just upped and left while I was enjoying a nice day out with my mother. No word or warning. Found out a couple of months after that he was cheating on me. That left me questioning everything.

These thoughts aren't constant, just when I'm feeling low which isn't often.

Would you think about therapy as suggested? It sounds like you have some trauma from past relationships that if you're not careful could damage current / future ones.