I dont like telling you things because..

[PinkThings33]

I know what your overthinking mind is like.

He's right, I do overthink things sometimes. Coming from a bout of bad relationships, I'm used to being hurt so I've pretty much always got my guard up. I am working on this as I've got nothing to worry about with this guy. He is so loving and caring, thoughtful. Everything you could want in a person. We often say we are the opposite sex version of eachother because we're so alike.

Anyway, back to what I was posting about. We've been talking about getting a place together. He wants to wait till the lockdown is completely over. No one knows how long it will take but we had hoped it would be this year.

Someone said, well what happens if it doesn't work out for this year. So that got me thinking. I asked him about it and he says, I've thought the same a while back so obviously I'm like, well why didn't you say anything? Basically, he worried that I'll get bored of waiting and I'll walk away. Then he comes out with the overthinking thing. Which that, to me, sounds like he is doing the same.

He should tell me these things, right? If he's got concerns about anything? Or if he's worried about anything?

We've always said we would talk about things but he isn't. And honestly, its made me feel a bit shit.
As in like, well if he didnt tell me that what else hasn't he told me? See what I mean with the overthinking?

So, am I right to be upset or not? I know I need to work on myself and the past few weeks I've got myself out of it a little bit. Thinking positive, not negative. Sometimes not even thinking at all. I think its a bit of self sabotage if I'm being completely honest. I'm looking for things that aren't there. Always wondering if I'm good enough.

Help me get out of this way of thinking, I dont want to push him away.

I honestly can’t see why you would be upset.

Your overthinking this as well.

I think I need to yes. Can I do that through my Dr?

I would have a chat with your GP but due to waiting lists, if you can put some of your own money into a few sessions I would do that. I'm having my ongoing therapy over phone / Skype at the moment so there are options even with everything going on at the moment x

Thank you @backseatcookers

Not surprised that experience has left you a bit emotionally bruised, OP. I'd fully recommend counselling. I paid for private sessions and went for a few months weekly. I can't think of anything better to spend money on than your own wellbeing, and that of your close relationships.
Good luck!

Because telling your own worries to an over-anxious worryguts is entirely counter-productive. All that ‘problem shared is a problem halved’ stuff simply doesn’t work when you know that whatever you’ve told them to has automatically magnified them to catastrophic proportions and will be lying awake at 3 am hyperventilating. This may sound unkind, but my mother an anxious over thinker and none of her siblings or adult children ever tell her anything because frankly, it’s just an extra burden.

You are saying your overthinking is just you but have you ever thought that he prefers to think things through thoroughly before discussing them and that’s just him?

Some people prefer to discuss through all their worries, others like me prefer to think them out and only discuss them when they’ve been thinking on them for a long while and feel able to talk about it properly. When I’m worried about something I don’t need someone to talk me through it especially if they have a tendency to overthink. That wouldn’t be a criticism, it’s just a different more introverted style of behaviour.

I think you are right to be a bit narked and puzzled. He didn't say something to you, then kind of blamed the not saying it on your thinking style. He is responsible for expressing his feelings. If he's fearful about that, then that is his stuff. You aren't stopping him saying anything. We are all responsible for expressing our feelings.

My advice OP is get you a partner who will actually talk to you about their concerns.

If he is worrying about things and not telling you now, what does that mean for important stuff later down the line.

I had one of these, he told me I "overthink" things (just think a lot actually) and used it as an excuse to hide stuff and lie down the line. There was no reason to because my "overthinking" was never directed at him, just how to navigate a problem, how to work logistics for a trip etc.

Basically he used my thought process to scapegoat his keeping things from me.

Not healthy IMO to start keeping things from a partner because its better for them because they "ovethink" just a slippery slippery slope and I think says more about him than you!