Just had enough, feeling unappreciated

[VMR0SR]

That’s it really, no massive issues anymore but now just feeling unappreciated I guess.
Did have issues with his relationship with exw and someone else but they’ve been dealt with and boundaries put in place although it did cause a load of drama in the past (not with exw) and i just feel like I no longer care like I should.
He’s a lovely man primarily and we have a nice life normally. He moved into mine for lock down as I am furloughed and I look after his children and mine whilst he’s working as he works long shifts at the hospital as does his exw. We have two children each, all under 9. His have used the hub when they stayed with their mum but hated it so I said I would have them to help out when they have their week with us. They dislike the fact my children don’t have to go some days they do and it’s caused friction between the two oldest.
I also feel unappreciated as I find having all 4 really hard whilst both their parents carry on working like nothing has changed. Iv never spoken to their mum and I don’t expect a trophy or anything but if someone was looking after my children because I was working and with no reward I think I’d be a bit more appreciative.

I know they are both key workers but my house is getting trashed and I’m tired with no reward.
Am I being selfish for expecting some kind of recognition when I know they have all been doing such a hard job keeping our hospitals going and us all safe?
Should they now move out because with the new rules we could make our two separate households our bubble (I would prefer to make my parents house our bubble as my kids live staying there) And let his children return to the school every day and him and his exw can sort between them?

I think you have been very generous. Appreciation for what you are doing should have been forthcoming. If it were me i would ask them to move back out now. You need to put yourself and your dc first. Your DP and his ex can now arrange their own bubble regarding childcare. All of our jobs are important as we all need them to pay our bills. You have been very supportive and i imagine your kids would like their space and their mum back!

@AnneofbigCleevesage thanks for the reply. Yes I would also like my time back with my dc and my home. The sad thing is that I felt it was a great opportunity to try living together but the reality is that it’s not really worked for me. I’m not sure if that’s clouded my mind because I’m not currently working and so don’t get to be working me in a job I love, instead just under appreciated sahm. I would be enjoying it if it was just my two but instead I’m constantly running around all 4 and watching my house get trashed. I want to ask them to move out but not really sure how, it’s likely to cause a rift between me and him that I don’t want. I still want to be with him but back to how it was. I won’t rush anything now because I’m tired after having 4 children for a week, I’m upset because my house is a mess and I just need some quiet me time to be honest. It was me who suggested him move in for the lock down and I’m
Glad I did because I wanted him here with me but now Iv had enough, how can I just say that to him?

Tell him you want to prepare your children to get back to a routine so he and his ex need to take their dc back and organise their children.
After this is in place, I would then discuss any future of your relationship but definitely sort the children out first.

You need to be honest. If you are feeling claustrophobic in this situation you have to say. I am a bit confused about you needing a reward as said in your first post. You offered to do this as you said you wanted to see what living together was like. You tried it and its not for you. That is what you wanted at that time. Its ok to not want to continue but you need to be honest with him. So i am a bit unsure what you mean by being rewarded for this?
You chose/instigated this arrangement. I would hope your partner and his ex have expressed their gratitude for the help you have given? Unless you offered to do this with a specific expectation of something else or specific reward?

If you wanted to build a future with your dp then this is really what it would be like as he has dc's and quite rightly he shares custody. If you lived with him permanently his children we be part of that. You need to be honest and you are free to do what is right for you and your dc's. Equally he has a right to decide that this may make his relationship with you a non starter and he is free to move on if he feels that is right for him and his dc's. Ultimately your home is your children's home and their needs and wants must be priority. Personally i feel it may all be a bit too much for them. If it is becoming too much for you that will impact them and i also wonder about how your dp's children feel in all this. If they are trashing your house there is an element of chaos in this arrangement and you need to look at boundaries and how you have structured the weeks when his dc's are with you. Equally your dp and his ex are responsible for their own kids well-being and they need to make decisions regarding their care while at work as we all do. That means, especially in a climate like this ,that we have to approach our emlpoyers and explain we are currently not as avail as we were ,during this time. If their children do not enjoy the hub that is a discussion dp,his ex and their dc need to have and they will need to adapt accordingly to accommodate that. You offering to have his kids was very generous but not very well thought out by all as a practical solution in hindsight.

I still want to be with him but back to how it was
I think you just need to tell him this.
You've certainly gone above and beyond and now you want to spend your quality time with your DC and enjoy some of your furlough.
Nothing wrong with that OP.
If he doesn't appreciate that you need some space then he wasn't the one for you any way.
His response will tell you all you need to know.
However, I think they are both just using you!

You tried, it didn’t work but you should be honest why. There’s no point acting that everything’s fine when it isn’t, no one benefits from that.

I don't think you should be worried about causing a rift, the fact is your only allegiance is to your own children and if you haven't had so much as a thank you especially from the chilrens mother then there is no reason why you should continue.

@AnneofbigCleevesage I didn’t mean reward as such, just a bit or gratitude. My bf has shown some but I haven’t heard a word from his exw. I’v Been spending more time with his children than their mum is spending with them Over the last 3 months and I haven even had a thank you or any contact or any kind gestures off her, I’m the only one who has done home learning and long walks to stay healthy. Maybe I’m just expecting too much, but personally I would be so appreciative if someone was doing this for my children I would at least send a nice text or get some flowers off the children to take.

It was my birthday and she didn’t even send them with a card. My BF got me one off them and some lovely presents but apart from that i guess I’m just feeling a bit used. I’m not sure what I’m expecting tho.
I’m not sure who instigated the idea of moving in, we both said we didn’t want to be alone, more likely me to of suggested it but we both wanted it. There was no motive from me other than I didn’t want either of us to be alone. 3 months later and I’m tired and I asked if they could go back a day early so we could spend some time together and she said no, in fact I can’t have them this weekend so it’s now swapped so we don’t get any child free time for weeks now as I’ll have his this weekend and mine back next weekend.
The house is also too small for 6 of us, I have a 3 bed semi (as does my bf and that’s empty now) and so have given his children my bedroom to share and we’ve made a sofa bed in the lounge. His exw has a very large 4 bed detached house and I just feel it’s all a bit unfair. yet she won’t have her children any extra to help out. I don’t understand the logic of it. Like she wants to see us fail, she has a bf living with her who is also furloughed but never gets mentioned when it comes to having the kids

Can you say. "I'd like you to move back to yours now, it's been good but I need my space and my DC need time with me".

@Bananalanacake I could do, the children will be a little upset I think. I don’t think it would be an issue in a bigger house and in the “normal word” where i still got to work and the kids to school.
I might leave it a few weeks to see what is happening with the schools. I need a break I know that and I’m not the only one who is finding it hard at the moment. Maybe they could go back for a couple of weeks to give me some time off

What’s in all this for you? Hope he is paying market rate for he & his kids + grocery costs!

He scored accomodation & free childcare.

You moved him in when sounds like he had a history of boundary breaking shady behaviour which you allude to involving both his ex wife & other women.

Naturally you will feel slighted to be caring for his kids without so much as a peep from his ex wife. I would be paranoid they were laughing behind my back at me. What you describe would make me feel they were making a mug of me.

I think you can use Covid as your fallback reason why this arrangement must wrap up now. Everything is opening up & getting back to normal so now it’s time to discuss their departure date as you’ll need your home back.

What would 90s Destiny’s child do (insert whatever strong female role model you identify with here) - only half joking, this is your home and your children’s sanctuary. They are now imposing, this arrangement has become an imposition on you. They have other options. They need to leave & soon, within a week. If he pushes back just repeat “sorry that won’t work for us”

After he leaves I urge you to reconsider what you’re really getting out of this relationship. It sounds like you could probably do better ...

I don't think yabu in the slightest op.

I think you need to tell him that you need time back with your dc, and also your Mum. You've helped out where you can, but it's time now to go back to the way it was.

Well it's time for her partner to step up.
Please don't leave it a few weeks!!!
The resentment will build in you.
Let him know you want him and his kids out on Monday.
See the weekend out if you need to but please stop being a mug.
They are taking advantage and this is so unfair.
Stop enabling this shit.
Get him told!!!

I would be all breezy like, “so we’re going to need the house back on Monday, what shall we have for our last supper to celebrate the end of Covid lockdown? Pasta or salmon ?”

“Do you need me to help the kids bags or have you got it covered ? I can give you a lift between X and X time on the day, but have some errands to attend to in the afternoon, so morning would be preferable for me if you’d like a lift back to yours, let me know what works for you morning or afternoon!”

Maybe they could go back for a couple of weeks to give me some time off

Madness, OP you are not their parent or an employee that needs to arrange time off, you are doing your "d"p and his ex a kindness and they are taking the piss absolutely.

You don't have to have his kids this weekend either, tell him you are having the weekend for yourself, your DC are with their dad and he and his need to go home, if he has work, football, crochet club and "needs" you to care for them tell him no, your mental emotional and physical health needs your care this weekend. He is using you, and I bet that the rhythm of your relationship is you give and care, he takes and doesn't care about anything other than life being convenient for him at your expense.

I couldn't do what you're doing. You had problems with him in the past over his ex and another woman. Now he and his ex are expecting you to look after their children (it's very noteworthy that her boyfriend isn't expected to do this) and what's worse, his kids are trashing your house!

I would put an end to this right now. Today. You can do this because his ex's boyfriend isn't at work - it's not as though the children don't have childcare.

His ex and her boyfriend are massively taking the piss, and so is your boyfriend.

Tell them to go back to their own house tonight and reassess your relationship afterwards.

Why should everyone else have childfree time except you? Put your foot down. Nobody is thinking better of you for being a martyr.

Op, you should most defintely have had a token from
the children's mum. The fact that you have not is unacceptable. Also did you say mum has never met you? I personally would never leave my dc's with anyone i had never met and on the rare time i have availed of friends i have bought wine , flowers and chocs and also returned the favour. If i have read your post correctly, mum cannot now take the children back as agreed? Not your problem. Dad can take them back to his house if mum is unable to care for them. This is their childcare issue not yours. Op, you are being a good and decent person but others are not respecting you, your home or your dc.

You have done more than enough. DP's children go " home" now to either their mum or dads house as agreed. The sooner you tell them the more time they have to sort childcare and arrange a bubble. You spend the next few days with your own dc's doing what you like to do in peace.

When you break your posts down they are ultimately about boundaries. I can see you enjoy the relationship with your DP but you must not allow yourself to be so avail for him, his ex and their children because you may be worried about the long term security of your relationship. I would sit down with your DC's now and ask them what they and you would like next few days/ weeks to look like. Time to put you and yours first now.

Just say you were happy to help out when the rules were strict, but now the rules are changing he no longer needs to stay every night and the kids can stay at his not yours.

I’m struggling to understand the arrangement. My impression is that he moved in with you and you look after his children when they live with him. This is an arrangement with you and him. They go back to their mother during her time and she looks after them.

Please don’t drag his ex wife into this. She hasn’t asked you to do anything and maintains her responsibility to her children. The issue is when they are living with your boyfriend not when she has them. He is the one you need to take this up with. It’s not for her to arrange childcare when they are with him and she shouldn’t be expect to reward whoever he gets to do it.

Thanks for all the replies. I will have a word with him. I think my main issue is that like you @AnneofbigCleevesage I wouldn’t leave my dc with someone I didn’t know and I definitely wouldn’t not acknowledge the fact she is doing the best for my children in the case I wasn't able to do so. However she is happy to let them be here and do that. She puts herself and career ahead of her children and always has done. I am a totally different person and give up my Carer the moment I had my first child because I felt that was better and went back part time once they went to school full time. I know there is no right or wrong because we seem to get blasted either way but I feel they miss having their mum around and see that I am able to be there for my dc every day and that they don’t get that choice. I want to make them feel loved and not passed to whoever will have them because their parents choose to put careers first, I care a lot about them and their well being. I feel awful for saying this as I don’t blame anyone for wanting a career at all, in-fact I really miss mine a lot although glad I’m not doing it full time now

@LemonTT yes I agree that it is his time although because of the lockdown the routine has changed because I was able to help out and have them. So she changed the routine and asked him if I was able to help out and that her bf would also do a day (this didn’t happen) I said yes obviously because they were stuck and with no other real support network. Now I feel she has taken advantage, had days off that she didn’t have them back for and left me doing extra days I didn’t really need to and without a thank you.

You’re blaming the ex wife. You have a boyfriend problem ! I meant this in the kindest possible way, you sound like a compete doormat! It is easier to put her as your problem & obstactle to a happy life with your boyfriend but in reality it is he who is taking advantage here.

You sound unhappy & paranoid about the terms of their post break up relationship. They work together. She doesn’t like you & has no interest even saying hello to you. You clearly must feel like a 3rd wheel in their “bubble”. This dynamic doesn’t sound like something I could be happy with & have been in a step parent role before with genuine love for his boy, so can kind of relate.

Op, we have a common ground as both sacrificed what we personally needed for the betterment of our children. It is time now for your dp and his ex to decide what they feel is right for them and their dc. At the moment their needs and choices and superseding yours.

Time to regain some control of the choices you have made and the life you have achieved. You just need to set your stall back out with confidence. If you and dp are on same page relationship will survive. If not, greater things await you and you will have done right by yourself and your dc's at every turn. Reclaim where you were 13 weeks ago. Good luck OP. x