Just had enough, feeling unappreciated

[VMR0SR]

That’s it really, no massive issues anymore but now just feeling unappreciated I guess.
Did have issues with his relationship with exw and someone else but they’ve been dealt with and boundaries put in place although it did cause a load of drama in the past (not with exw) and i just feel like I no longer care like I should.
He’s a lovely man primarily and we have a nice life normally. He moved into mine for lock down as I am furloughed and I look after his children and mine whilst he’s working as he works long shifts at the hospital as does his exw. We have two children each, all under 9. His have used the hub when they stayed with their mum but hated it so I said I would have them to help out when they have their week with us. They dislike the fact my children don’t have to go some days they do and it’s caused friction between the two oldest.
I also feel unappreciated as I find having all 4 really hard whilst both their parents carry on working like nothing has changed. Iv never spoken to their mum and I don’t expect a trophy or anything but if someone was looking after my children because I was working and with no reward I think I’d be a bit more appreciative.

I know they are both key workers but my house is getting trashed and I’m tired with no reward.
Am I being selfish for expecting some kind of recognition when I know they have all been doing such a hard job keeping our hospitals going and us all safe?
Should they now move out because with the new rules we could make our two separate households our bubble (I would prefer to make my parents house our bubble as my kids live staying there) And let his children return to the school every day and him and his exw can sort between them?

@vikingwife we were fine before this and I was happy to help. They don’t work together as in separate hospitals. I’m not paranoid or unhappy about their post break up relationship. It’s a good one and if she has a problem with me then I don’t really care, however she shouldn’t ask my bf for me to help out if she can’t have the decency to thank me or to acknowledge what I am doing.
My bf would put his foot down if I said so but then his children loose out and where’s the fairness in that

What is bothering you more, not being thanked or your house being overrun? It seems like your real problem is and always has been with her.

I’m still concerned that you seem to have issues with his ex that are not really something you need to get into. It’s about you and your boyfriend. I don’t see why she has to explain or justify her decision to work. She didn’t put this on you or even ask for your involvement. This was something your boyfriend did. He agreed something with you and he has the relationship with you. He approached her to vary the care arrangement and she accepted that. Why wouldn’t she and why does she have to be grateful for it?

I think you tapping into traditional gender based opinions on parental responsibility. I wouldn’t like to be judged by Ex’s new partner on the way I parent. I don’t think you would like to be either in the same circumstances.

I agree you should have been thanked. But it sounds like this woman wants zero to so with you & is making a pointed effort to not thank you. You say you don’t care if she has a problem with you, yet it’s clear you obviously do have an issue here, as she won’t thank you. So she is allowed to have a problem with you but you also expect to be thanked ? Can you not see your expectations of her are unrealistic ?

You should not do favours expecting gratitude & thanks. As shown here people often appreciate you less the more you do. Be less available, right now you are letting everyone walk all over you & come off sounding like a martyr. Nobody likes the martyr !

Unbelievable OP.

Talk about being used and abused.

The two of them can't believe their luck getting a kind MUG like you to do their childcare.

Where is your self respect and self care.

You have allowed yourself to be massively taken advantage of.

You need your home back.

You need to think about you.

'Cos neither of them are.

Also maybe analyse you true motivations. Did you set yourself up for failure by hoping that taking on this childcare role might bring you & the ex closer together ? She has never spoken to you before now, what made you believe that might change ? You seem quite desperate to please your boyfriend. I think you have bent over backwards out of kindness yes, but also deep down expecting some kind of emotional pay off you’re not receiving.

The messy house doesn’t seem to be the real issue here , as your followup replies are ranting about his ex wife, who is secondary to your relationship with boyfriend.

Tell your boyfriend he needs to sort something else out. Or don’t, but don’t expect to be thanked. It is a little narcissistic to do all these things for people thinking they will pay you back in return they way you imagine they should in your mind.

@LemonTT she asked him to change to routine so that I could help out with the children because she must of known I was furloughed and that I have my children too. He asked me and I said yeah sure. Not that it really matters. I don’t have a massive issue with her, it sounds like I do but really I’m just tired and feel unappreciated. Fine if she doesn’t like me, Iv never mentioned my thoughts about her putting work before her children. Like I said, I don’t blame her, I just feel Iv been left to pick up the pieces atm.
@vikingwife I wasn’t expecting to be closer to my bf, just wanted to help out because that’s what people do in a relationship. We have a very close relationship and share a lot of our lives.

For goodness sake OP, please wake up!!!!!

Used and abused.

You are such a nive person...but really....where is your self respect..months of mindind the children...and helping out awomen who is so disrespectful of you..

Apologies...you have zero respect for you to facilitate this bullshit arrangement...so why should they?

You are too nice an too lond..

What a shitshow of disrespectful behaviou for such a mice woman like you.

Find your self esteem.
Find your self respect.
Find your anger OP.

Only on MN do woman like you exist.

I have never met womean who would tolerate such bullshit.

You deserve better.

Apologies, new phone! Poor typing 🙄

Yeah you lost me when you claim you don’t have a problem with the wife, but make a snippy comment about how she puts her career before childcare. This sexist attitude totally absolves their father from stepping up. You sound really self centred the more you post here. I am usually on the new gf side of these kinds of posts too....

You are not better than her. Bending over backwards for her children doesn’t make You look better than her. You just end up looking like a weak doormat while she retains the alpha female status in this situation.

Your obvious hate for his ex is obvious

At the end of the day, you gave up certain career opportunities for YOUR children, no one else. You want to enjoy your own children, which is completely reasonable. If she and her ex want to work full-time with their kids then they can sort it out between them, you shouldn’t have to pick up the slack at all. I mean, who has children planning that a step-mother might one day take over the child-care? It’s ridiculous and I wouldn’t want someone else having as much say over my children...unless she thinks your dp is really looking after them?

I put my career before my children by keeping it going, so limited sympathy in the op thinking she’s the better person.
That aside, this seems a very simple conversation with your bf: this 4 kids business is hard and I’m tired. Your ex is pretty ungrateful despite having asked for it, now she has taken this weekend to herself and her bf never did the day a week promised either so I need contact patterns to go back to the old ones, and if she doesn’t like it I’m afraid that’s her problem. Can you arrange it?
In a week or so when we know more we need to talk about school options as well but for now just tell her contact patterns are back to normal from Monday. Her bf can pick up her slack and if he doesn’t want to that would be her problem not mine. If she is upset say she doesn’t have to repay the favour and have MY kids after all, just her own back!
Also I’m pretty keen to have my parents in my bubble so there are a few things to think through.

I will mention something today. We have said we will go on a bike ride the 4 of us, me him and his kids today and I know his daughter is really looking forward to it being the 4 so I don’t want anything said. Tonight I will have a word with him and see what he thinks. I feel awful now as I’m writing this sat at the table with my cup of tea whilst she is in the lounge drawing me a picture of us 6 to put on the fridge of us all on our bikes earlier in the week because in her words “it’s like we’re a family now”. BF is making us breakfast and it’s a lovely calm morning. I will have a word and tell him it can’t be indefinite them staying here because it’s too small and that he needs to sort the child care out. They are normally all good kids but 4 is just too much some days on my own.

I’m torn between this set up and making my parents my bubble as with that set up I could even return to work 1 or 2 part days a week and maybe wouldn’t be so frustrated with the situation.

If they stay here then I could still have my parents as my bubble too but he would need to sort childcare out. His actions would then tell me a lot by this. My parents can’t wait to have my children back for day visits and sleepovers and make up for lost time. They have a farm and my two can’t wait to go and stay there.
Is that selfish saying I enjoying having you and your children here but I don’t want to be looking after them all week and that whilst you’re at work could you find alternative arrangements? Obviously I can help out a bit but I’d like to go back to work and my parents can have my two but I wouldn’t ask them to have all 4. The summer holidays are coming up and that would be my usual arrangement. I take most of my leave, a week unpaid and my parents cover 1 or 2 days a week as needed

Can I ask what is your problem with appearing selfish ? Why is asking for what you want selfish, when you describe bending over backwards for these people? Being constantly selfish is not good but in general people are often selfish & sometimes we must put ourselves first if nobody else will.

You seem way too caught up in being perceived as “good” “kind”. “Unselfish.”

You come off as WEAK not selfish. So stressed out at appearing selfish your wasting time handwringing about how you will be perceived rather than putting your foot down and asking for what you want.

I think deep down based on his previous indiscretions you are scared to put your foot down because you think if you stand up for yourself he will leave you. So try to do all the right things, bend over backwards to help him & his ex wife to yours and your children’s detriment.

If your kids don’t like these other kids they may say one day you are selfish for putting your boyfriend & his kids before them !

Selfishness can be a perspective.

I would tell him you are making plans for returning to work and are moving yourself and DC to you parents so DC will be cared for.
He will need to return to his home and make alternative care arrangements for his DC.

OP, there is absolutely nothing selfish in your suggestion.

I repeat, I believe you have been taken for and treated like a complete mug by your boyfriend and his ex.

Complete disrespect.

Those children have 2 parents and yet it is you who have the responsibility of unpaid CM.
Have you been paid?
I bet not.

You need to put YOUR children first.

I find it hard to believe you volunteered for all this child minding......it has just been engineered by your boyfriend who is looking after his ex more than you.

Have some self respect.

Don't ask for his permission not to look after his children...TELL him what is happening.

Wishing you well.

You are too soft and have utterly been taken advantage of.

He's not nice.
If you were his priority, he would not use you like this.

She puts herself and career ahead of her children and always has done. I am a totally different person and give up my Carer the moment I had my first child because I felt that was better and went back part time once they went to school full time.

If I understand correctly, your boyfriend has done exactly the same as her - put himself and his career ahead of his children. Why the scathing indictment of her and not him?

Really, your issues are with your BF. The only thing the Ex-wife has done is to ask if you would do day a week extra, and offered her BF to do a day a week extra in exchange.

That seems quite reasonable. You could have said 'no', but you were happy to do it in the beginning. The problem is that it never got reciprocated - has your BF been pushing for Ex's bf to take them, or just forgotten about it because you were doing it and that's the path of least resistance?

You are completely allowed to say that you're exhausted, and will no longer do any additional childcare. You need a break. It's ex-wife's bf's turn. And if he won't do it, they'll have to figure out a different arrangement between themselves.

Why has your BF allowed his Ex to change weekends on him this weekend? Again, path of least resistance? Or did you not tell him you wanted some time off? I suggest you tell him that you're going to be having the weekend off regardless, and he can do the rest of the childcare (after your lovely bike ride), and cooking their meals etc etc. You can be Disney stepmum for a change :)

In summary - start prioritising what you want/need. Let BF know - he's not a mindreader. Draw your own boundaries and hold firm. It's his responsibility to deal with the children when it's his time, not his Ex's, and not yours.

He’s working. You need to wrk also, you haven’t got a life commitment to him to mutually support each other and you must prioritise having a job to go to! This message is very straightforward. You’ve been supporting his work and now you must get back to work. So whatever arrangements work for your children is what you do, and he has to think of something else for his. It hasn’t even crossed your mind he would stop work a few days a week to look after all the kids, when youve been not working for a while to look after all the kids, why is that? Why are you prioritising the work of a man who owes you nothing over yours needed to put food on the table? Why do you take for granted you will support the childcare and housework and also that he wouldn’t do the same?

How are you doing @VMR0SR ? How did the talk with your partner go?