Narcissist In Laws

[Teacaketotty]

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, the whole situation is ridiculous.

DH’s mother and grandmother are classic narcissists, literally hit every marker;

• self centred
• gaslighting
• denial
• can’t take any advice or criticism
• always always knows best

It’s a constant battle and always issues when we reject their behaviour, since I’ve had DD I am less tolerant of it. The latest issue, grandmother came for a socially distant visit in the garden and made some rude comments about our parenting. DH mentioned on the phone afterwards to her he felt she was a little rude in a passing comment and world war 3 erupted. She’s now said she’s not coming to see us again, why should she walk on eggshells, why should she go so out of her way to see us the usual me me me attitude. Basically saying she cannot be in our lives as she can’t be herself.

What do people do in these situations? I honestly am sick of all the dramatics - I know DH doesn’t want to give up on his family but since he won’t accept their behaviours it’s always going to be this way isn’t it?

The general advice on mn is to read the books by susan forward - toxic inlaws and I tjink the other is called toxic parents.

You can go LC. or NC.
You can grey rock.

Well she said she’s not coming to see you again...so it’s sorted.

P.s I’m being flippant...ignore her. She’ll be back. And if she’s not? Good riddance. No one gets to be rude because they feel like it. Even bloody granny.

Well you don't have to do anything. She has sealed the deal.. She ain't- a - coming back...

Win win!!

Agree with her. Yes Grandma, we agree you shouldn't visit again.

Job done.

Why did your H felt the need to call and dissect the conversation afterwards? It’s unnecessary and can only lead to confrontation.
Why not ignore it - and write it off as generational differences re parenting?....
Or say something right there and then - like - this is how WE chose to parent - everyone is different

I think kids benefit from having extended family and adults can’t just try to get along for their sake. Stop worrying about what they think about your parenting too much.

Kids do not benefit from having narcissistic assholes in their lives.
Problem solved.
She's not coming again.
I'd consider that a win myself.

Wow this sounds like my darling mother in law!!!

She is absolutely horrendous and yet my husband fails to see anything wrong, it's all me!
Drives me insane!

Honestly, not seeing her is the best way on this as it will continue to escalate.
You will now look out for such things and she will also look out for what you do.
Let husband take the kids to see her and let him deal with it.

Why do they feel like they can take over all the time etc. Arghhhh drives me crazy!

If your DH isnt ready to go no contact, then suggest he tries a different tactic with them. Instead of trying to discuss bad behaviour after it happens, set a boundary. As soon as they step over the boundary he ends the visit with no discussion. He just needs to be calm and firm.
That way its their choice and they live with the consequences, but without any discussion or drama.

Walk away and be grateful she's gone!

I reached snapping point 2-3 years ago and am now no-contact with my entire "birth family". It took a long time to get over the guilt of it, but I'm fine with it now. Best decision I ever made.

Let her do what she likes. She won’t be missed....until she comes slinking back.

Following for advice as in a very similar situation!
MIL always makes comments about parenting but then claims "oh I didn't say that"
Issue is that DS adores her

@2007Millie

It’s so difficult isn’t it. A lot of the time for us the comments are made, and then she calls us hypersensitive for being bothered. The mindset of it wouldn’t bother me so why should it bother you.

Thanks all for commenting, to be honest I know that she won’t change - I have no doubt she will be back, however I am so sick of the dramatics I think seriously limiting contact for a while is the best option.

Luckily DH agrees with me, would be a nightmare if he didn’t!

@Teacaketotty

You sound in exactly the same position as me, and luckily my DH actually thinks his mum is worse than I think.

Like you, we are limiting contact as much as possible without it impacting DS

It's horrible and it makes you question your own sanity and feelings

I think this happens over and over. Young parents feel partially insecure, partially convinced that they are following the absolutely best new parenting ways. While older generation feel they want to pass on their experiences.
So there is a clash, and they go on and on.

All of this is really unnecessary and it gets better as kids grow up a bit and parents relax. And GP adjust to the whatever role they are playing in the family dynamic.
It’s not worth all the drama and damaging kids relationship with the GPs and adult relationships between themselves.
Life is too short.

When my kids were small - my mom, and my MIL all did used to offer advice, or say ‘in mu days, I never...’ I just ignored and went on doing what I do. Or said - well, that was then and I do it my way.

I feel that escalation and making a drama of it is totally unnecessary, only damages you and your kids.
Incidentally, I have a sister in law. We share a MIL. So - SIL over the years complained about MIL doing this and that, parenting advice, taking over, etc. Except - I also have the same MIL and she stayed in my house as much as with SIL. Most of what SIL was describing was her own dramatisation of the situation which lead to years of strained relationship between her/her husband and parents in law. While I just had normal relationship with my PIL. Not too close, but no drama either.
And as a result - my kids have a much easier and closer relationship with their grandparents

@MMmomDD

Insecure new mum? I'm very confident in my parenting, but I will not stand for repeatedly being told "that's not good enough what you're doing" "you're a bad parent because you do that"

@MMmomDD With all due respect unless you have a narcissistic parent you have no idea what it can be like. Being openly rude and nasty about people’s parenting is unacceptable and not something I will tolerate.
I appreciate these things happen a lot and I do my best to not react to most of it but everyone has a point at which they feel they’ve been pushed too far. I do appreciate your input and what you describe sounds like my mum’s well meaning advice and sometimes comments on how she did things, however you cannot imagine some of the things we’ve had to put up with from DH’s side. x

OP - of course you are confident in your parenting. Like every new generation of parents, following whatever convictions we have at the time. And years from now - your kids will be parenting differently and will be equally convinced what they are doing is better then whatever previous generation did.

Being secure in something you are dojng means not caring what others think. Not letting it affect you. (Look at politicians - they are great example of that)
It’s not some fight for control over your child. Your in laws aren’t trying to take anything away from you. You are in charge.

If you treat this as difference in opinion - like we do with politics/religion/etc - your life will become much easier.

And - as you will find out as your kids grow up - a lot of things that you thought were so important, aren’t really. And they don’t make much difference.
But you are unlikely to hear me at this point.

Also I should say the adult relationships were already seriously fractured long before we had DD, so it’s not just a parenting thing. My DH is the “scapegoat” of the family so nothing we do is ever right or good enough.

@MMmomDD

I have to agree with OP in that you will not understand unless you've been in this position.

I've been shouted at by my MIL. Repeatedly joked at that she will call social services. Told I'm doing my baby harm. That I should know better. That I need to become smarter and research more. That I'm a bad parent. That my child deserves better.

Those are no caring opinions. Those are not opinions said with good intentions. They are very different to 'oh we did it different in my day' comments which don't bother me at all.

Stop minimising something which makes others lives unnecessarily hell.

@Teacaketotty

Please, if it ever gets too much, feel free to message me.

I won't be able to provide much advice as I am living with it as well, but know that someone understands exactly how you feel.

@2007Millie thanks so much, same to you! Anytime you need to talk

MIL has got angry because she wants you to react and grovel. So the way to deal with it is not to react - just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, you know where you are if you want to get in touch again" and end the call. If she's not getting the reaction she wants she'll give up (you may have to repeat more than once).

When (and it will be "when" not "if") she gets back in touch, I'd suggest keeping the topics to neutral ones. If she says anything potentially provocative, answer in a non-committal way, don't rise and change the subject as soon as possible. Don't let her see you're upset. If at all possible harden your heart, so her words wash over you!

e.g.
MIL: "you're dreadful parents to let your child do that!"

You (spend a minute thinking if she has a point but otherwise): "That's an interesting perspective, but actually it's quite normal for children of that age to do that. I expect your garden is looking nice at the moment?"

"It’s not some fight for control over your child"

Unfortunately that is where people who have come from emotionally healthy families get it wrong, it absolutely is about this amongst other things for such disordered of thinking people. They use the child as narcissistic supply and will overvalue or undervalue the relationship with the grandchild. Its not at all healthy for the child to be a part of such a dynamic.

Children need grandparents BUT importantly emotionally healthy ones, narcissistic grandparents are absolutely not this. The people on this thread are indeed wise to steer clear here of their narcissistic inlaws. It really is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.