Narcissist In Laws

[Teacaketotty]

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, the whole situation is ridiculous.

DH’s mother and grandmother are classic narcissists, literally hit every marker;

• self centred
• gaslighting
• denial
• can’t take any advice or criticism
• always always knows best

It’s a constant battle and always issues when we reject their behaviour, since I’ve had DD I am less tolerant of it. The latest issue, grandmother came for a socially distant visit in the garden and made some rude comments about our parenting. DH mentioned on the phone afterwards to her he felt she was a little rude in a passing comment and world war 3 erupted. She’s now said she’s not coming to see us again, why should she walk on eggshells, why should she go so out of her way to see us the usual me me me attitude. Basically saying she cannot be in our lives as she can’t be herself.

What do people do in these situations? I honestly am sick of all the dramatics - I know DH doesn’t want to give up on his family but since he won’t accept their behaviours it’s always going to be this way isn’t it?

Teacake

Sorry - I replied to Milly confusing her for you.
Of course no one can walk in your shoes and fully understand. And no situation is the same.
Sounds like your issues with in laws are broader than parenting, so won’t go away as much as the kids grow up. (As parenting disagreements often do)
To come back to your original question - yes, these strained situation between your H and his family is likely to continue, since it has been going on for a while.
Older people don’t tend to change their ways and only get worse with time.
And in the end - it’s your H’s choice how he deals with that on the ongoing basis.
He can’t change them, but he can try to change he his own reactions and limit the effect it has on him. He can try to distance himself, shield himself and ignore their behaviours.
For eg - what was the point of calling back his grandmother? Surely it was clear she wasn’t going to apologise and it would only lead to more arguments? Why go there?

He is probably quite bruised over the years of this dynamic. Has he had any help dealing with it?

@MMmomDD you are right there, I think limiting contact and protecting ourselves from it is the only option and the issues have always been there so they aren’t going away.

He is definitely damaged from the relationships with his family and I would love for him to get some help with it which may also be something to look at x

Since becoming a mum, I've found that life is muuuuuch better when you cut toxic people out of your life, family or otherwise.

I went NC/LC with my MIL and one of my parents in the year after DS was born, for various reasons. We're back in contact now but I've finally shown them that I do in fact have a backbone and will grey rock or go NC again if they start pushing the boundaries. I feel very much in control now, which was not the case before.

On a day to day basis though, if they start with the 'it wasn't like that in MY day', I inform them that rates of cot death and certain childhood illnesses have fallen through the floor since they were in my position, so I'm going to carry on as I am, thanks. And give a look that signals it's the end of THAT conversation.

I know it doesn't work with everyone, but it helps me. I don't think it'll hurt Granny to have no contact with you for a little while. And it'll probably do you the world of good!

Adult children of narcissists have many manifest difficulties as adults not least with boundaries as a result of being "parented" by such disordered of thinking people.

He may want to look at the Out of the Fog website.

Would he be willing to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward or "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina W Brown.

I’m 22 years into dealing with a toxic MIL who is now actually an ex MIL but since I know how to deal with her, she is still in my life.

It came to me like a revelation about 6 years ago - I can’t change her and the way she is but I can change how I react to her. And since then I just let it all go over my head and actually it’s got less since she doesn’t get a reaction from me and our relationship has got better. I won’t let my sons go there without me tho - she’s been toxic to them when they visited without me and they’re not emotionally mature enough to deal with it.

My PIL are toxic too 😢 I get serious anxiety when they come over. They are just so judgemental and slag everyone off to DH so I just dread to think what they say about me. DH thinks this is all normal as they have always been like this but I've only just realised it since DD arrived and we've moved in together . I truely hate MIL and can't see us ever getting to a good place. I have decided not to go round to theirs and if they are here I go out or just play with DD or have some urgent cleaning I need to attend too. Hopefully in time I will learn not to feel anxious 😥