Feeling like I'm going mad, I am really unreasonable advice please

[Loulou084]

Ok.. so I really need some other peoples opinions.

Today.. I'm off work, have the children at home while my husband is at work. I spent the day cleaning, shopping, entertaining the children. I cooked the children dinner of their choice and picked up a special tea for me and my hubby.
When he arrived home the kids were eating, the house was spotless, candles on, fresh flowers and our tea cooking. He comes in and moans 3 times about how he hasnt got a cup of tea waiting for him. I confronted him saying why are you picking the 1 thing I havent done when I've got out my way to have everything nice, he called me a crank and a lunatic and now we have fallen out.

I want to know am I being unreasonable??

I ask because I dont know.. my husband isnt one for giving praise, he would never tell me when I've done something well and likewise with the children but lately I'm starting to question his attitude I just want to know would it annoy you or would you just shrug it off??

TIA

He's an ungrateful twat. I hope you shovelled that special dinner into the bin.

Arsehole.

YANBU
You've done a lot today and deserve a thanks from him. It would annoy me too and I'd feel deflated. I think you should have a calm chat with him about how you feel

Your husband is a world class, ungrateful, self-absorbed arsehole. The poor, neglected man didn't have his cup of tea waiting? My god, the cheek of you!

I have been married a very long time, and my husband has NEVER been such a pathetic twat. I hope you told him to go fuck himself. Twice.

No, you're not being uneasonable. I'd say he might have been having a bad day, but from your "he never gives praise" comment. He sounds like a selfish nob.

Thanks for your replies, we spoke afterwards I tried to explain to him how those comments made me feel, he said it was just a joke.

But we have been here before... he can say what he likes then say it a "joke" so it's fine.

Is this a joke?!

He's gaslighting you. He was not joking.

he called me a crank and a lunatic and now we have fallen out. I want to know am I being unreasonable??

Erm, no! He is verbally abusive.

he can say what he likes then say it a "joke" so it's fine.

Yep, that's what a lot of abusers say.

Yep, textbook abuser's lines. "It was a joke". "I was only joking"

Don't back down when he says it's a joke op. Challenge him on his poor behaviour. Tell him he is being rude and disrespectful and he can cook his own dinner tomorrow.

Ahhhhhh the god old retort “it’s a joke” which you then question yourself over!!

Been there! Gaslighting!

He’s a twat. Make him wear the cup of tea (just make sure it’s cold first!!).

What a prick! It's not a very funny joke if that's what it's supposed to be.
If my husband came home and said anything like that he'd have two choices
A) buck up, make his own bloody tea and never talk to me like that again
B) there's the front door, shut it on the way out.

You are totally not being unreasonable and you sound like an amazing wife and mother to have done all that xx

I think I just fainted and woke up in the 1950s! Woman, know your place etc. Not ok for him to whinge and not ok to brush it off as a ‘joke’. If it was crankiness talking at the end of a bad day, an apology for being an arse would be usual. Making you a brew seeing as you’d made dinner would be good. Does he have form for similar arse-hattery?

My ex used to use the 'it's a joke' line all the time.

The thing is with jokes, is they're meant to be funny. If it's not funny, it's not a joke. It's just a horrible get-out excuse.

When people say something is just a joke when they clearly mean to hurt you, I’ve taken to trying to make them explain it. “What’s the funny part? I don’t understand?” And just play dumb. It can really make them uncomfortable.

It's not a joke it's abuse. I put up with shit like this for way too long before realising. I could do 9 things in a day and the twat would come home and ask about the one thing I hadn't managed to do. Tea on the table, house clean, kids fed, dry cleaning collected, washing done, dog walked etc etc you get the picture. He would walk in and criticise because I'd somehow not done something he thought I should and I was unreasonable because 'he worked all day'. For what it's worth I also worked albeit part time school hours but at a stressful professional job and was supposed to be a fucking Mary Poppins in my nonexistent spare time! Oh and if I said anything I was either starting and argument or it was just a joke and couldn't I take a joke. If you don't want to end up Divorced then tell him to fuck off now, it's not big clever or funny to be a wanker to the person you are supposed to love and care for. A partner should add to your life not make it worse. Have a hard think about what you want to do. Is he abusive in other ways? Really think about how he behaves towards you and whether you would be happy if your daughter was treated like this by a partner!

Yeah we have had issues in the past... said horrible things then just says it's a joke I try to explain it's not funny and I'm sick of being the butt of all these "jokes", he would never listen just brush over it so nothing ever got addressed.

He'd say stuff like I'm only were I am because if him, women should know there place, hes very sexist, liked to call himself the bread winner etc etc

Funny thing is the tables have turned and now I earn more than him which to me doenst matter as we are a family and it all goes towards us having a nice life. I wonder if he feels threatened by it because of his views which to me is ridiculous but I think that's how he might think.

The joke of it is I left him 2 years ago.. his behaviour was bad, hated my family until the point I didnt speak to them. Called all my friends slags with no substance to any of his comments. Told me I only saw my friends because I was needy unlike him who didnt need friends as he is already satisfied etc etc

We sorted things out... he changed, I wanted a family unit for the children and now slowly i think its starting again small digs..little comments.

I agree with him. Women should know their place.........which is far, far away from mysoginistic twats.

Get as far away from him, as soon as you can.

He's a cunt.

Your life will ultimately be miserable if you stay.

Look into the Freedom Programme and Domestic Abuse and it may describe his behaviours.

Please do not stay with him for your children.

Leave him if you can. If you can't, seek help.

F*K HIIIIIIIIM.
I rarely say LTB but I don’t even know how you reason with that behaviour.
Ok fine everyone can be an arse and self involved and not at all thoughtful from time to time so my advice is just to “know your worth”. You don’t deserve it. Don’t allow it.....whether that means this is the straw that broke the camels back, whether this is unreasonable behaviour and he is about to learn where he can shove his cup of tea OR whether you have an open talk about what happened that made him act like that and how he can’t take his crap out on you.....
Oh sorry just saw your later post. I’d go for showing him just where a mug can fit

Jokes are, by definition, funny.

Read you 23:31 post OP. Both of you seem to be misusing the word joke to minimise the problems in your relationship.

Why can’t he make himself a cup of tea??

I would have his cup of tea waiting for him tomorrow evening with laxatives in it. He won't ask for tea the following evening.

He's a joke, a bad one.