Feeling like I'm going mad, I am really unreasonable advice please

[Loulou084]

Ok.. so I really need some other peoples opinions.

Today.. I'm off work, have the children at home while my husband is at work. I spent the day cleaning, shopping, entertaining the children. I cooked the children dinner of their choice and picked up a special tea for me and my hubby.
When he arrived home the kids were eating, the house was spotless, candles on, fresh flowers and our tea cooking. He comes in and moans 3 times about how he hasnt got a cup of tea waiting for him. I confronted him saying why are you picking the 1 thing I havent done when I've got out my way to have everything nice, he called me a crank and a lunatic and now we have fallen out.

I want to know am I being unreasonable??

I ask because I dont know.. my husband isnt one for giving praise, he would never tell me when I've done something well and likewise with the children but lately I'm starting to question his attitude I just want to know would it annoy you or would you just shrug it off??

TIA

He's going to have to work double time to keep you in your place to compensate for the fact you make more money than him.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Ignore that it's primarily about physical abuse, it covers everything.

What!!??? You earn more than him? And go all the housework? Hire a cleaner.

Call him a loser. Then tell him it's a joke. Say thank god I earn most of the money otherwise we wouldn't be able to afford this would we? Then tell him it's a joke.

And next time he says a single thing go POSTAL. Tell him you will fucking leave him and your expensive solicitor that you can afford will rip him into shreds.

No doubt it will transpire that he is a complete prick and you will have to leave him, but my god put him in his fucking place first. And stop doing the whole domestic goddess routine! Cook for the kids and yourself and then open a bottle of wine and watch whatever the he'll you want on tv. Tell him to order a takeaway with his own money. Wanker.

I've known men like this. They are surprisingly easy to shut down. But you have to go in hard and not hesitate and not scream or cry or talk about feelings. You just say how fucking dare you. Get out of my sight. I will not tolerate this. Who the FUCK do you think you are. That kind of thing. Loudly and very angrily but with control (definitely no screaming, throwing etc). Be specific too 'how stupid do you think I am - you are not joking. You are just a rude ungrateful pig who will literally never get anyone like me ever again'

Then there's a consequence. You do not do the thing he wants, you put his food in the freezer, you walk out and ignore him for the night.

Talking to him and explaining how it makes you feel is unfortunately a complete waste of time.

He will probably continue to be a pig but if you make yourself a very difficult victim that creates great inconvenience for him then you can hopefully minimise the amount and frequency.

You left and got back with him. That is your mistake.

Your DC, may have a family unit but it’s a dysfunctional/toxic family unit.

If he is starting to behave like he has previously, then it will only get worse.

The fact that he in the past alienated you from your friends/family, is sexist and uses jokes as a guise to ridicule etc, is abusive.

I cant believe after all you did he made you feel bad over a cup of tea.

I couldn't put up with someone like that. He's a joke.

Vodka is absolutely right. You get a cold clarity in your voice and let rip, calmly. That totally shocks dp out of being an arsehole.

That's for you advice, you are right.
I got up and told him it's not a joke I dont like it he said I cant take a joke and take things to far, he said let's be friends and has gone to work.
I hate tension and fall outs in the house I'm going to try and write him a text explaining it to him which hopefully he reads. I'll make it clear I would put up with that behaviour attitude.
It's hard because he always brushes things aside you cant ever have an in depth conversation to address things so things never get properly resolved and the same things keep happening

you've left once so you know how to do it. Do it again, he's an arsehole.

Honestly if you had a friend from an Indian background who was living with someone who openly professed to be a racist, says brown people should know their placed, made racist comments and picked apart everything she did - what would you tell her? This isn't different. It'll be eating into your self esteem and showing your kids that this attitude is ok when IT IS NOT.

Please do not write him a text 'explaining' anything. Please. Let him stew and be distant until he grovels.

Do not talk about your feelings or why you don't like something or explain or placate. Otherwise you undermine all the progress youve made. You take a piece out of him, introduce the consequence, and keep your distance till he comes to you apologetically AND starts changing.

Sending texts saying 'please don't do that cause it hurts and makes me feel sad' is like putting a sign on yourself saying kick me.

And since the end result of you letting him get away with shit will be a broken home you have to think about whether there will be more conflict of you stand up for yourself, or if you leave him because you can't take it?

Keep the peace now and the price for him is a lot higher. And for you. And for your children.

And if you have to say more to him wait till you see him, look him right in the eye and say very coldly 'don't you EVER do that to me again. I have left you before and I WILL do it again. Am I clear?'

Do not explain how you felt. He already knows and he didn't care.

You’d be better if without him sharing your living space and bringing you down

I speak from experience
If it’s not the tea it will be something; anything because he is a piece of work

Let him make his own meals, his own cups of tea, clean a house and Look after his children at least some of the time in top of a job and leave him to it

They never change
Only you can change things for Yourself and your kids

Really 'flowers...children tea of their choice'??

Your comments have been really helpful thanks it appreciated

What do you mean flowers...children tea of their choice?

@vodkacranberryplease appreciate your comments they have been a massive help and made me think :-)

Why on earth did you go back?

Leave. What a waste of your emotional life!

Leave him again. You thought he'd changed, he hasn't.

You misjudged. Learn from this.

Pour a nice HOT cup of tea into his lap or when he whinges say "I know, what am I like?" Goofy grin then walk away. If he cannot find the kettle or the kitchen that is his problem.

Talking to him and explaining how it makes you feel is unfortunately a complete waste of time
Listen to Vodka - do not write him a text.
Do not explain how you feel.
He doesn't care.
He will NEVER care about what you think.
You need to understand this.
Just make your exit plan and do it fast.

Have you time travelled from the 1940s to post this?