Coming to terms with a difficult childhood and lack of acknowledgement from DH

[user32742534]

I didn't really know how to title this and not really sure how to express what I'm trying to say. I didn't have the best childhood. In brief, my dad didn't want me, my step dad was at best an alcoholic, at worst was grooming me, my mum had mental health issues, I was sent to live with relatives I didn't know at 11 in the middle of nowhere, I had a quite serious abusive relationship as a teenager/early 20's.

I have no idea why but over the last few weeks I feel like I'm grieving my lost childhood. It's just come out of the blue, only when I'm on my own I keep crying, I'm furious, I'm hurt.

DH had a very happy childhood with doting parents. Perhaps it's jealousy but I have felt very gradually resentful of him about this in some ways because he has never acknowledged/asked about my own childhood. In over 10 years, he hasn't asked anything. He hasn't asked why I don't see my dad, and wouldn't know what my step dads name was for eg. I have mentioned things, for eg, not wanting to go to a pub to eat with the kids because it was one I spent almost every weekend in the car park of as a child, or I've mentioned how I find it hard to enjoy rural areas because I was so unhappy when I was sent to live somewhere rural for so long. But whenever I've made comments like this there has never been any acknowledgement, except maybe an 'I'd love to live in the countryside'.

So when he mentions his own happy stories I gradually stopped engaging, saying 'thats nice' 'good for you' or not joining in when he is telling stories to the kids. This came to a head recently, when he was annoyed I couldn't remember the name of a holiday town he went to as a child, and I angrily said I wasn't really interested in hearing about his happy families when he had no interest in my past. That he didn't know anything about me. He said I had a big ego, that I was a narcissist. But then did immediately apologise, and said there are obviously things I need to get off my chest and he's sorry and he will listen if I want to talk about anything. I feel angry he's not cared enough to ask in the past off his own back, but perhaps I AM just being a massive narc.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this now, where this has all come from. Maybe I need to get my hormone levels checked or something. I know it's not fair to take it out on other people, but am I being really unreasonable to expect some acknowledgement over the last 10 years from the father of my children?

How do I come to terms with my hurt, without blaming others?

He's wrong to not acknowledge your comments, but you're also wrong to dismiss his happy stories. You're not a narcissist.

When you've mentioned things about your childhood it wouldn't be difficult for him to say "that sounds hard, want to talk about it" but some people are uncomfortable talking about feelings and negative things, and he may not have realised you wanted to talk about it. Did you actually realise you needed to talk about it until recently?

I think it's good that he's said he's sorry and he'll listen. Have you tried having the conversations you need to have - how's it going? I think you should probably also apologise for saying you're not interested in hearing about his childhood.

You don't have to rely on just him for support either - now you've started thinking about your childhood again, would counselling help?

OP he's not your therapist and, since he hasn't experienced the same things as you, can't be expected to understand. Maybe he didn't want to mention it in case it upset you. You need to seek therapy and speak to a professional about what's gone on in your life. Take a look at BACP for a trained therapist.

You need counselling or at least to talk to your DH and tell him how you feel. I used to be a bit like this with DH and it was really unfair of me, its not his fault he had a lovely childhood!

Similar set up here but whilst my dh is emotional intelligence is stunted by his perfect childhood, he does acknowledge mine.

Time for therapy, OP.

I think that people who have had a happy childhood really struggle to imagine what a shitty one is like. I agree that you may benefit from therapy OP. He shouldn't have called you a narcissist, but it sounds like it was in the heat of the moment and he has apologised.

You need counselling. You have to stop expecting him to react however you’re hoping him to.

I get why you rely on him for emotional support, but at the same time he isn’t qualified to help you. He has no idea how to navigate helping you with your childhood trauma and will get it wrong from time to time. It’s like expecting loved ones to know exactly how to treat your depression, when in reality it’s much more complicated for the average person to assist with.

I remember once, 2 of my uni mates were having a deep chat in our kitchen about school bullying they had experienced. Whilst at first I was shocked and listened to what they had to say, after over an hour of incredibly emotive and deep topics I felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t relate as I haven’t been bullied. I wasn’t purposely trying to be cold or dismissive, nor was I purposely rubbing things if I mentioned a friend from school. Just like he isn’t when he mentions his childhood.

Also I think you properly need to open up and clear your mind with him - instead of expecting him to pick up on the crumbs/hints you drop, and then feeling hurt when he doesn’t ask about your stepdad etc in response

I am so sorry that you have had such a shocking childhood - so many abusive, neglectful relationships from a range of “caregivers” at every turn.

You sound like you might have been quite numb and dissociated from this trauma for quite sometime and are only emotionally waking up to it now. Are any of your children at the same age when there was a significant event in your childhood?

You yourself are apologising and minimising your evolving feelings as you reflect on your interactions with your DH in this post. That’s not a good sign - your feelings are valid.

You deserve to be heard he sounds v dismissive of you and emotionally detached.

I suspect his own childhood has its own darkside which allowed him to become emotionally unavailable with zero empathy.

He isn’t someone who can help you right now - but he should display some basic manners and show you kindness and respect.

He isn’t able to soothe or tolerate your emotional discomfort and it triggered what some might see as narcissist rage when he insulted (projected) at you.

There are lots of resources online that you can gently explore at your own pace as you start on this sometimes painful journey of emotional insight, healing and growth.

You have had a v deficient childhood, know that, grieve it and show yourself some self compassion.

I am sorry your DH has behaved like an arse in your vulnerability. Keep an eye on that.

I think his attitude stinks tbh. You don't need to be a therapist to show some empathy towards your partner who has obviously been through very difficult times. Or to talk about it without being forced into it.

Serious chat needed op.

I read you op twice the first time I understood what you thought you were saying ... That you don't want to discuss his happy childhood due to his disinterest in your unhappy onr .

The second time it actually dawned on me ... He doesn't ask you anything about your childhood or past? And when you say stuff he never follows up ... I don't think you're asking him to be a therapist as PPs have alluded to , I think you just want him to care and be a friend , and he hasn't done that . Does he do this with other areas of your life or is it just with childhood issues?

Excellent post Gutterton.

People who've had happy childhoods tend to live in the here and now and don't ruminate on the bad things that happened to them. It's hard for them to understand childhood unhappiness, but it doesn't mean they don't care.

You sound as though you have become more preoccupied with your childhood than is healthy. I'd look into some counselling and maybe give your DH a chance to listen to you. He can't make it better though, and listening won't heal things. That has to come from you.

Going against the grain here I think. Your DP is out of order - who doesn't ask about their partners childhood particularly when they make comments that make you realise that it was awful. Your DP comes across as having no emotional intelligence or just not caring (sorry op).

I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood, I do think you should have some counselling now (as you are now reflecting on your upbringing)

I'm so sorry you were so badly hurt in childhood but I also commend you for looking at it head on. It's so necessary to try and face it the best we can and from what you have explained it sounds totally understandable that you are reacting how you are. I'm not sure why your DH isn't asking your questions, he sounds a bit self-absorbed and why on earth you would need to remember a detail from his childhood I have no idea, but clearly that is between the two of you.
I also think Gutterton's reply is amazing. Go really easy on yourself as these wounds are coming up for you. This is some of the hardest stuff you will ever address in your life so give yourself the space and patience that you need. The work you do on yourself will reflect out on your entire family going forward so give it the respect it deserves. But don't expect your DH to be your therapist or your sounding board, you will probably need a therapist for that or that could cause major issues in your relationship.

I have no idea why but over the last few weeks I feel like I'm grieving my lost childhood
It might be because you've had kids yourself. I pushed my childhood to the back of my mind but found once my kids got to the age that i could remember being that age it brought things back..

My reading is that he has been deliberately passive aggressive in his interactions.

His response to your comment that rural areas trigger distress for you was quite telling - no soothing or comforting, the opposite in fact, an active deliberate dismissive slap down “I would like to live in the country”.

Also he was deliberately goading you, insisting you remember a detail about his childhood - because recently you have withdrawn / gone vanilla on that area of conversation and this has clearly piqued him.

Log all those little things that make you feel emotionally confused, dismissed, unsettled. Covert bully’s often get in little snipes one by one under the radar that you would feel irrational if you called them out separately. But clock the totality, watch the patterns.

What’s the power balance like in your RS?

It wouldn’t surprise me if it was way off - us abused children often fall into positions of subjugation with others - it’s familiar to us.

But as I said in an earlier post - concentrate solely on you. He cannot help you at this time - he might well actively derail you. In time you when you have made progress you will be in a more appropriate place to maybe help him through some of his own emotional deficiencies.

I hear you and can understand. Lockdown has brought back a whole load of childhood issues to front of mind for me too, stuff long buried. My DH can’t/won’t understand or question anything, just wants a positive, face value impression. It might be a man thing or from a happy family thing, I’m not sure. You are right to feel angry and let down. Your DH won’t get that.

I posted on mumsnet about it and the advice that I got was to write it down, I think a journal or similar was suggested, Would that help? A record of what happened, how you felt, you don’t need to show anyone.

You sound lovely OP, surround yourself with love

Have you had any counselling or therapy to help to cope with what happened to you?
If not then I really recommend you do this as quickly as possible.
Look into therapists that specialise in PTSD.
But on another note, your DH doesn't sound like he loves and supports you and your needs at all.
And I agree with the PP.
You may be in a very unbalanced dynamic in your relationship without realising it.
After your upbringing, your 'normal' is not like most other peoples.
Do you love your DH?
Does he do nice things for you?
Do you have an equal input into everything in your marriage?
Equal access to money?

I highly recommend the adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families website - so many resources. I signed up to the short daily email mediation and it has been really profound for me:

adultchildren.org/

For explanation of emotional triggers - this site is incredible

www.pete-walker.com/

And this book really helped identify the emotional impact and how to resolve issues.

Toxic Parents - Susan Forward.

Take it easy and calm for your DCs.

Just to add to what i said about having your own kids bringing memories back, i found that when they got to an age where i could remember incidents happening to me at the same age, i would feel incredulous that they could have done that as I could never imagine doing that to my own child at that age. I think it really hammers it home how bad things were.

I found female friends were the only people i could really talk to about stuff.

Can anyone suggest some good online resources for those of us with toxic childhoods?

I can't find much on adultchildren.org/

Yes @ Gutterton.

OP, I think this man is damaged, how I dont know, but he is. That's not yours to fix, but to save yourself from. His actions aren't ignorant, but intentional.

Have you read "Why does he do that" by Lindy Bancroft? There's a pdf version online. I suspect that Bancroft's The Water Torturer is your husband.

@PicsInRed

Yes @ Gutterton.

OP, I think this man is damaged, how I dont know, but he is. That's not yours to fix, but to save yourself from. His actions aren't ignorant, but intentional.

Have you read "Why does he do that" by Lindy Bancroft? There's a pdf version online. I suspect that Bancroft's The Water Torturer is your husband.

Really?

I had a shit childhood and I'm married to a fab bloke. If I started being angry and passive aggressive everytime he mentioned fun things he did as a child I doubt we'd have stayed married as long as we have.

I remember my mum being so angry and full of self pity about her own childhood and I vowed never to be like it. Plenty of counselling changed my life. That's not my dhs job.

Agree with other pp's your husband lacks empathy. This is part of the problem, because you could do with his support now more than ever. I think you are feeling let down by him. However you tackle this you can overcome it, but if your husband doesn't help you, don't waste your energy trying to get him to or push against him. Save your energy for yourself.