I didn't really know how to title this and not really sure how to express what I'm trying to say. I didn't have the best childhood. In brief, my dad didn't want me, my step dad was at best an alcoholic, at worst was grooming me, my mum had mental health issues, I was sent to live with relatives I didn't know at 11 in the middle of nowhere, I had a quite serious abusive relationship as a teenager/early 20's.
I have no idea why but over the last few weeks I feel like I'm grieving my lost childhood. It's just come out of the blue, only when I'm on my own I keep crying, I'm furious, I'm hurt.
DH had a very happy childhood with doting parents. Perhaps it's jealousy but I have felt very gradually resentful of him about this in some ways because he has never acknowledged/asked about my own childhood. In over 10 years, he hasn't asked anything. He hasn't asked why I don't see my dad, and wouldn't know what my step dads name was for eg. I have mentioned things, for eg, not wanting to go to a pub to eat with the kids because it was one I spent almost every weekend in the car park of as a child, or I've mentioned how I find it hard to enjoy rural areas because I was so unhappy when I was sent to live somewhere rural for so long. But whenever I've made comments like this there has never been any acknowledgement, except maybe an 'I'd love to live in the countryside'.
So when he mentions his own happy stories I gradually stopped engaging, saying 'thats nice' 'good for you' or not joining in when he is telling stories to the kids. This came to a head recently, when he was annoyed I couldn't remember the name of a holiday town he went to as a child, and I angrily said I wasn't really interested in hearing about his happy families when he had no interest in my past. That he didn't know anything about me. He said I had a big ego, that I was a narcissist. But then did immediately apologise, and said there are obviously things I need to get off my chest and he's sorry and he will listen if I want to talk about anything. I feel angry he's not cared enough to ask in the past off his own back, but perhaps I AM just being a massive narc.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this now, where this has all come from. Maybe I need to get my hormone levels checked or something. I know it's not fair to take it out on other people, but am I being really unreasonable to expect some acknowledgement over the last 10 years from the father of my children?
How do I come to terms with my hurt, without blaming others?