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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you keep making a effort?

56 replies

onestepat · 10/06/2020 10:41

I feel like I'm the one who makes a effort with this guy.
We aren't together officially.
It's always me messaging him first etc
I'm trying today not to text him first
It's hard
I don't want to play games or anything but at the same time I don't want to keep texting him making myself look desperate.
Would you do all day without contacting ?
See if he contacts me?

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 10/06/2020 13:31

But you want to be together. And he doesn't!

You're not expecting too much.

You're expecting something he doesn't want to give you.

You're entitled to want it. He's entitled not to.

But it clearly means you're incompatible.

Why are you chasing someone who isn't that interested in you and just wants you when they are in the mood.

BigBoosh · 10/06/2020 13:36

Like most of these dilemmas the explanation is simple. He's not that into you.

TwentyViginti · 10/06/2020 13:47

@onestepat

Maybe I'm being too clingy expecting so much communication when we aren't even together.
You're so desperate for this man, you're now making his lack of interest in communicating first YOUR fault. It isn't. He doesn't want to be 'official' because he wants to be free to maybe play around, with you in the background as safe back up.

Is this all you feel you're worth? A man who wants to be with you and only you, makes that clear. This one isn't bothered.

Original poster
onestepat · 10/06/2020 15:24

I stupidly text him 3 hours ago
No reply
Feel like sending him one saying stuff then but won't bother

OP posts:
misssoaps · 10/06/2020 15:39

Oh no 😩 maybe you should just delete his number?! So your not tempted!

usersouthcoast · 10/06/2020 15:43

Turn your phone off and watch 'he's just not that into you'. Then turn your phone back on and delete his number with a newfound fresh determination to spend time thinking about someone who thinks about you too.

category12 · 10/06/2020 15:44

Stop chasing him!

pictish · 10/06/2020 15:45

He’s not as keen as you are so don’t text again.
In other news, you don’t actually have to be in text contact every day you know. Bit stifling all this apparently essential relentless texting that dating seems to demand these days.

pictish · 10/06/2020 15:47

In answer to your initial question...would I keep making an effort? No. Would I fuck.

PixelatedLunchbox · 10/06/2020 15:50

He sounds like a real charmer. I'd ghost him and get a life.

Raella50 · 10/06/2020 15:50

Just to put mother perspective on it, I personally hate texting and probably often appear short/ lazy / uninterested to Uber-texters I would imagine! I could honestly not stand to be texted constantly by anyone. Can you not just call each other and chat at a certain time each day or something? Then leave the text ding out inbetween?

ChristmasFluff · 10/06/2020 16:01

Raella, do you also give the impression you aren't interested by 'not wanting to put a label on it'? He won't want to call and chat daily, because he only wants a low-effort interaction at times to suit him.

OP, you are a fall-back girl. You are what he does when nothing better is available.

Please, for your own self-respect, stop. You have agreed to 'casual' (no label) in the hope that he will one day 'upgrade' you to girlfriend. He won't.

ErickBroch · 10/06/2020 16:03

You asked to be official and he said no. I mean, that literally says it all.

backseatcookers · 10/06/2020 16:08

I stupidly text him 3 hours ago
No reply
Feel like sending him one saying stuff then but won't bother

@onestepat

OP, why?!

Why are you continuing to chase someone when you want to be in a relationship with them and they have explicitly told you they don't want that.

You asked what people thought you should do, everyone said to leave it and move on but you still texted him. And he hasn't even replied.

In all seriousness, why are you doing this?

This is a situation of your own doing now that he has said "no I don't want it to be official".

You have the information but you're ignoring it.

You think if you keep chasing him he'll suddenly want you to be his girlfriend.

I hate to say it but not only is that not true, the fact you're chasing means he'll think of you as desperate and like you less than he already does!

So I ask again, seriously, why are you doing this? Can you see it's pointless and damaging?

pictish · 10/06/2020 16:09

I do think women sometimes go along with ‘nothing serious’, ‘casual’, ‘let’s not put a label on it’ because they don’t want to seem uncool, needy or too intense...and end up agreeing to be the-shag-for-now.
Believe me, when people encounter someone they do want a relationship with, they bash on and do so...no problem putting a label on it then.

Original poster
onestepat · 10/06/2020 16:39

He text saying he had been non stop today
So I text asking what he had been doing and was he with another woman ?
No I'm worried he's going to think I'm asking too many questions

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 10/06/2020 16:44

He text saying he had been non stop today
So I text asking what he had been doing and was he with another woman ?
No I'm worried he's going to think I'm asking too many questions

You're ignoring everyone giving you advice OP which is pretty rude really.

He's not going to just think you're asking too many questions, he's going to think you are way to intense and a bit of a nutter.

Because your behaviour doesn't make sense - you're flogging a dead horse and chasing a man who has outright told you he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

If he ignored you all day, then replied tomorrow and said he wanted to come and shag you but not stay over, you would be thrilled I think.

It's sad and you need to stop doing such self destructive things or your self esteem will get even worse.

backseatcookers · 10/06/2020 16:44

*way too intense

category12 · 10/06/2020 16:45

Merrily bringing on your own prophecy, I see, so crack on.

You're having us on, right?

usersouthcoast · 10/06/2020 16:46

Oh god.

FlowerArranger · 10/06/2020 16:54

onestepat...... For goodness sake, where have you left your self-esteem? Seriously, have you always placed so little value on yourself? You need to get a grip! Forget about this man, he doesn't care about you and never will.

Here, read these books - they will help you:

  • Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood;
  • The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.
dancemom · 10/06/2020 16:56

This is not healthy.

But regardless of what anyone on here says you're going to continue on.

You said his behaviour was putting you off him but you carry on the dynamic anyway?

Do some reading, get some help, learn to have a healthy relationship.

pictish · 10/06/2020 16:57

Never make someone a priority if they’ll only make you an option.

That’s the saying isn’t it? It’s a good saying.

Crystalspider · 10/06/2020 17:04

He isn't your man, I wouldn't ask questions invasive questions, your coming on far too strong, if you can't go even a day without contacting him, I think your obsessed. Put your phone away or contact someone else.

RantyAnty · 10/06/2020 17:10

Delete and block this fool.
Chat with some guys online.
They're a dime a dozen.

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