After lots of Arguing DP wants a break?!?

[Foxy456]

All me and DP have done for the last year is argue, about everything I feel like he has a major lack of respect for me and is allowing his ex to come between us.
He now says he thinks we should have some space to see if we miss each other because he’s had enough. I feel like we are in our 30’s and if there are issues we just need to resolve surely a break will just make things harder?

Thats not really explaining anything

You having trust issues and saying you wot ever trust anyone, means its done.

The issues arent your fault. But that doesn't mean anyone else has to be accused of things all the time.

I briefly had a boyfriend who said i was letting the ex come between us. I wasn't. I was co parenting. My son came first.

You don't trust him and, I'm assuming, act with irrational jealousy, particularly in the context of his ex? You over think (which I'm guessing is code for, "go on and on and on about every little thing) things and you don't live together? Sounds to me like this relationship is not ever going to go anywhere. And it's not clear why you've stayed together until now.

OP you're not ready for a relationship, trust issues are yours to own and yours to solve. That's not to say your DP is blameless but if you're arguing constantly about trust he isn't the right one for you anyway. Insecurity cripples a relationship. Let him go for both your sakes.

What's the point in the relationship?

If you don't bring out the best in each other and enjoy being with each other then I don't know what you're hoping for if you ever lived together there'd be no break, you both need to work out what you want and work together on the relationship or if one doesn't want that then walk away.
Yes you have to work at relationships but they really shouldn't be that hard work and it sounds like the good times aren't outweighing the bad so neither of you are happy, you shouldn't need a break to see how you feel if you're happy and in love you'd both know it.

[quote Foxy456]@vanillandhoney you’re right but we have been through a lot to be with each other, hence the arguments. Lots has happened. I said I didn’t think a break was a good idea as I’m an over thinker and in my head he can do what he wants and use the excuse ‘we were on a break’ he got angry at that and said ‘cannot believe u think that low of me you think I’d jump into bed with someone else’[/quote]
You're falling for the sunken costs fallacy.

Just because you've been through a lot together, doesn't mean you need to stay together. If you're always arguing, you can't be happy, so why waste your time?

We only get one life. Don't waste it with someone who doesn't make you happy.

He doesn't want a break, he wants out.

@metronome1 we have been together 2 years.

To be fair I have requested a break from my DH not to sleep around but because of arguments and my own insecurities I just want some head space to think about what I can actually bring to the relationship and if its possible to see a future, given some of the things that have been said during arguments.

Sometimes when your in the middle of petty arguments it's easy to lose sight of the reason why you're together in the first place so sometimes it's better to take some time out to be alone and think.

So I disagree that breaks are about sleeping with other people that is the last thing I would do right now.

@Nextsteps84 That’s exactly what he’s said more or less word for word.

It sounds exhausting and unhealthy, for both of you. Half of your relationship has been shit. You don’t live together. You’re fighting constantly. Your trust issues are your problem and he’s not there to fix you or your past.

Break up. Work on yourself before dating again.

Sounds like at the very least its time for both of you to reevaluate your behaviour and the relationship.
Constant arguing is something that should be ended one way or the other.
If you're saying " I don’t trust him (I’ll never trust anyone)" then that really sounds like your issue to work on because a partner who will just say "I'll never trust you, sorry" and thinks thats the end of it doesn't sound like a partner who is ready for a relationship with anyone. We've all been hurt in the past but you can't pass the sins of your exes onto your current partner and expect them to just take it for ever.

@Foxy456 - I recognise you from previous threads. This relationship is complicated by how you got together and by the fact that his family have issues with you and him having an affair, plus the involvement with his ex. You are constantly upset by this. I honestly don't see how this relationship can work, especially as you don't seem to have any understanding of how people might feel or where your behaviour has been a problem. Sorry.

My issues are 100% all my problem, and at times I feel sorry for him for having to deal with all my shit that he hasn’t contributed too. But atm I need some support from him and I feel like he’s doing the opposite, that being said I fully understand why he’s had enough. The frustrating part of it all is when we are together we are both really happy and never argue. He says it’s because I know what he’s doing, who he’s speaking too etc and I don’t have to overthink. I agree, however no one can be together 24/7 so that’s not healthy.

Sorry op but you have only been together 2 years and have argued continuously for 1 of those. That is just crazy. 1 year in you should still be in the honey moon period. You have spent half your relationship arguing, this is not normal. Life is too short. Regardless of who is/isn't at fault here the relationship is not working. Your partner wants out and I don't blame him. You both deserve better. End it. Work on yourself. I'd suggest some therapy on your own. Be alone for a while and work out what you want out of life and relationships.

I you don't have ties such as children to make it worth trying to work things through, then I think it best to just split up after this much time arguing.

you’re right but we have been through a lot to be with each other, hence the arguments. Lots has happened.

This is:

• Sunk cost fallacy

• Codependency

• "Us against the world" mentality

• Want to prove people wrong about your relationship

I have asked for breaks in past relationships, not to sleep with other people but because the person I was in a relationship was resolute about not splitting up, almost wouldn't "let" me do so, guilt tripped me, did the "I can't live without you" stuff so I felt asking for a break was a way of starting to disengage without them going nuclear.

Love isn't enough.

Do you fundamentally think this is a healthy relationship? I don't know how you can. If you do, you're wrong. If you don't, you shouldn't want to remain in it.

Your dynamic is based on your compatibility. You say things are ok when you're together but not when you're apart. That is not true in a healthy relationship. Which means you aren't compatible. Your communication style, emotional wants and needs, personality, values - all of these things create the dynamic between you. If that dynamic is dramatic, unsettled and argumentative you are not compatible.

He doesn't want to fight as hard as you to make this work. Two years in not living together it shouldn't be a tough fight to not argue when you're apart. He's right to want out.

What are the issues with his ex? If he cheated on her and left her for you are you worried he’ll go back to her?

Are there kids in the mix?

@Ninkanink

I’d want a complete break after a year of arguing, tbh.

Id want a break after a month of arguing, a year??? it sounds utterly exhausting, i think your dp is sensible, a break is needed for you both and it sounds like that is what he wants

You may need his support.

But you cant expect support, while taking your issues out on them.

It does sound like you are only happy because you can know what he is doing all the time.

Thats not healthy or fair on him or you.

He is saying he wants a break because he feels he needs a break from the pressure. He wants a break from your behaviour.

But he is unlikely to come back, or at least for a long time unless you resolve your issues.

Whats happening isnt fair. I personally think, he loves you but doesn't want to be on the receiving end of this behaviour. A break isn't going to fix your issues. So its not going to work.

If it's the same arguments over and over again you're obviously not resolving anything. A break won't make a difference, it's not about missing each other, it's about being able to resolve your issues. I'd say you either split or go to councilling and resolve these issues

@Trevsadick I agree.
It is totally exhausting, my friends constantly tell me they don’t know how I have put up with it this long. My friends tried persuading me to walk away in the first 6 months. I said to one yest it’s like we are both unhappy but neither will walk away and that’s how it’s been for some time.

He has become extremely controlling towards me, i am suffering from mental health and he mocks me and puts me down, he won’t stand up to his parents so if I am there they will just point blank ignore me. He twists everything back onto me and won’t take any responsibility for anything he does. I love him and I want to walk away but I seem to always chase him when the decision is made to end the relationship. I’m at my wits end with life in general atm at an extremely low ebb with thoughts of taking my own life. My family tell me he’s dragging me down and to get rid but I feel like even tho I have 2 children myself he’s all I have.

This was your last thread and is every reason why you shouldn't be together, he's doing you both a favour.

Your friends ask how you have put up with what?

If the post above mine is accurate, never mind...

I said to one yest it’s like we are both unhappy but neither will walk away

Well now he’s done you both a favour and is walking. Why are you surprised? Arguing is shit. That’s not how anyone wants to live. Do you know it’s not normal?