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Original poster

Still sees his soon to be ex-spouse to visit their pet

56 replies

Rotationz · 10/06/2020 00:01

Been with someone over a year now and he’s soon to be divorced from his ex-wife (they were together for more than 10 years). He has been more than generous in the split of finances with her and it was a mutual split after drifting apart. He has always been open and honest about their communication (never hides anything) and always says I’m the best for him in all ways). He gave her custody of the pet but will go over there approx once a month at the moment to take it for walks (he seems super close to it and has a strong emotional tie to it) and has agreed to pay half the pet’s costs for food etc.

He lives walking distance from her and I had thought once the divorce was over, they’d drift apart to no regular contact (they only mainly talk about the pet at the moment anyway) from what he said but seems that might not be the case.

They have no children by the way.

How would you feel about that?

OP posts:
Dollywilde · 10/06/2020 08:04

I have a friend who shares custody of a cat with their ex - 2 weeks each on rotation. No kids.

Personally I don’t think I’d do it, I love cats (I have one!) but I wouldn’t want those ties to the ex. But it seems to work well for my friend, so Smile

VettiyaIruken · 10/06/2020 08:07

I'd feel sorry for him that he didn't get to see his much loved pet very much and I'd think well of him.

Lynda07 · 10/06/2020 08:08

It's quite normal for people to visit pets after a break up, take dog out for walk etc. To be honest, I'm surprised it is only once a month, I'd have thought weekly or fortnightly would have been more appropriate but it does depend on other commitments.

Why on earth are you worried? If they had children he'd be taking them out more than once a month!

Friend of mine had joint custody of children and dog, it worked for them because of the sort of work he did and he could even take the dog to work at times, ex wife was teacher. The dog is now long dead but had a happy life, children now no longer kids and please themselves which house thy sleep in but it was all quite amicable.

Your man sounds like a decent, responsible person, be glad of it.

saraclara · 10/06/2020 08:22

If he lives walking distance away and only goes once a month, it doesn't sound as though you have a problem at all.

But it sounds as though you're going to struggle with his ex wife's existence, full stop, so you need to decide whether this relationship is going to work for you.

AtaMarie · 10/06/2020 08:24

I can’t imagine only seeing my dog once a month! It’s fine OP.

saraclara · 10/06/2020 08:59

I'm the last person to liken a dog to a child, because that sort of treatment of dogs does my head in. But seriously, the majority of divorcees see their exes to drop their child off/pick them up once a week. It doesn't mean their about to fling themselves into the others' arms again.

Going to see his dog once a month, when he lives near enough to do so once a day, is hardly a sign that he's still hankering for his about to be ex.

Lynda07 · 10/06/2020 09:17

Why are you bothered by it, op? It's not harming you.

FunTimes2020 · 10/06/2020 12:05

[quote Pickles89]@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie

What a bizarre thing to say! Like 'It doesn't matter that your mum is dead, you can always go visit an elderly neighbour instead!' or 'You won't need to have your older kids over weekends now you've had a new baby with your lover'.

It's not an old xbox he's left behind, his dog is irreplaceable.[/quote]
That made me chuckle! Grin

I think we need confirmation that the "pet" is a dog. Some people take cats out on a lead...

Ethelswith · 10/06/2020 12:11

I know someone whose rabbit will walk on a lead. But only when she feels like it.

Maybe it's a ferret and OP is worried about requests for EOW?

PinkMonkeyBird · 10/06/2020 12:53

OP sounds like it's not the 'pet'...which we all assume is a dog, can't understand why you are labeling as 'it' 'pet' in such a detached way. Do you not like animals?

The issue is you don't like him going to his ex's house, the dog is just a red herring.

He's lucky enough to be in an amicable split (the way you note the financial split should have no bearing on this matter btw...I find that odd), he sounds like a good person who cares for his dog. Some people share custody of animals as they are part of their family.

If you don't like 'pets' then I would be mindful of the fact that if your relationship progresses (or when his dog dies), he will want another, but with you. How are you going to feel about that?

Yeahnahmum · 10/06/2020 13:03

I can imagine you not liking it. But... He is going there to see his dog. Not his ex.
He split up with her. But still is emotionally attached to his dog. Which is kinda great actually. Shows he cares

NoMoreDickheads · 10/06/2020 13:17

Once a month to walk a pet he used to own and that he loves is ok I think. It seems he goes mainly to see/walk the pet. Maybe you could go with him, if it'd make you feel happier?

LastInTheQueue · 10/06/2020 19:30

I don’t think the issue is the pet, but that perhaps you see it as a connection between him and the ex?

Personally, I find it endearing that he has continue to care and see the pet.

When me and soon to be ex husband were discussing how to split things, he told me that our two cats were my problem and laughed when I suggested that he continued to pay for their insurance for one year post split. This upset me more than anything about our split, which was otherwise amicable. The idea that pets that we chose and adopted together were suddenly nothing to do with him, made me super sad and ah hey, and just reinforced that our split was definitely the right thing to do.

Original poster
Rotationz · 11/06/2020 12:33

Yeah I’m not saying the pet is the issue - not at all. I’d be fine if he had the pet with him or sharing it with a parent or sibling etc. but it’s kinda a downer he will have his ex in his life despite them not having kids together (as he will do her house jobs etc as favours when he is around) - I’ve heard of the divorced husband role some take where they don’t draw boundaries after a split, meaning potentially a more lengthy painful phase of recovering from the relationship as there’s no real no contact phase. I guess because he is a nice person but still, she has a new partner too (about whom she complains to him...)
I just wanted other women’s views on whether you’d find this totally no bother.

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 11/06/2020 12:38

I would find a person worse if they walked out on a dog and gave no shits about the dog.

Yes, I'd pay for my dog's food, insurance, anything he needed if I was in a position where I couldn't live with him. Your bloke loves the dog, I'd be happy about that, shows he's a decent human being.

alittlelower · 11/06/2020 12:40

Well, as you said, they drifted apart. It wasn't a hostile split where they hate each other, so it's to be expected that they will continue to be friendly. I am good friends with an ex-long term partner and would go out for drinks and meals with him. My new LT partner was fine with it. It would have caused real issues if he had tried to control who I was friends with.
You need to accept this. Or find a new partner who is unable to be amicable with ex-girlfriends.

SoupDragon · 11/06/2020 12:43

I think we need confirmation that the "pet" is a dog. Some people take cats out on a lead...

I met someone in the woods taking their parrot for a walk. It had a lead on and was perched on their arm 😂😂

toobusytothink · 11/06/2020 12:49

Well me and dh separated And then bought a dog together and the dog goes between us along with the kids! My bf didn’t mind at all and neither did his gf. It’s a dog and we both love her to bits. Doesn’t mean I love my ex though ...

toobusytothink · 11/06/2020 12:59

And if it is the fact that his ex is still in his life then please try to remember that she is an ex for a reason. If you get jealous of her the only person who it will upset is you and it will end up damaging your relationship.

AlternativePerspective · 11/06/2020 13:10

Tbh I don’t understand these people who seem to be adamant that if you’re ex’s you should never speak or engage with each other and everything has to evolve in a hostile environment otherwise it’s suspicious.

I think that being able to be amicable with an ex is something to be celebrated, and encouraged even assuming there was no abuse in the mix. Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean people have to hate one another or that a new GF should demand that they do.

As for the dog, I would have been gutted if my ex had kept my animals when we split. As it happens the animals did come with me and ex didn’t desire to take the dogs out etc, but if things had worked out that way I can’t say I’d have seen an issue with it. If he’d kept them I would certainly have wanted to stay involved...

LJenn · 11/06/2020 13:20

I don't think the OP WANTS him and his Ex to be at loggerheads. I think the frustration comes from the fact that (mutual split or not) .. his ex is still in his life. He can never have a "clean start" because she's in the background somehow. And I DO think it's inappropriate that she's now discussing her own personal woes with him. I don't necessarily think it's anything to jump to conclusions about but some boundaries would be nice.

Original poster
Rotationz · 11/06/2020 13:35

Thanks everyone so far.
Yeah it’s not that I’d ever want him to hate her (like if he saw her in the street, I’d much rather he was able to say hello, smile and continue walking rather than try and avoid her or frown at her). It’s more that he still has access to her house and he has access to hers and like @LJenn said, it’s the fact no real boundaries have been established perhaps and no real clean break exists, with the pet being one of the things. It seems like they’ve transitioned swiftly from a married couple to siblings. I had kinda assumed that the split would perhaps be more of a clean break considering they don’t have kids.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/06/2020 13:42

Divorcing after you realise that you've drifted apart, without either having an affair or blaming the other for anything? Sounds like they are two well balanced, mature and sensible individuals. And he loves his dog.

Rotationz, I think he's up to no good. Run for the hills and just let me have his address and tel. no so I can check on something.

GazingAndGrazing · 11/06/2020 13:55

Grin @Ravenmum

LJenn · 11/06/2020 15:47

Lol I kinda want to see what @ravenmum does😂😂😂. Did you talk to him about it OP? Maybe seeing as though he's reasonable and a mature adult, he might actually see things from your perspective. As far as I can see he's not being unreasonable, he's only walking his much loved doggy but he might understand how you might see a bit ... uneasy (is the wrong word to use but I couldn't think of the right one right now)

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