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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you tell her?

46 replies

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 11:32

Guy I’ve been involved with for too long ( years and years) in circumstances I shouldn’t be.

Has got himself involved with another woman. He’s free to do so. She seems from social media a really nice, independent single mum with a young child.

I suspected there was someone else. I could see the priming of her and he made reference to some things that niggled in my mind. I sought out the information, saw him there and confronted him next day about it. Some classic bullshit manipulative behaviour from him but still wanted contacted with me as friends.

I’ve seen him since that time. He hasn’t been faithful to her to varying degrees twice. It’s weeks into there relationship.

I don’t want him now but am devastated and have so many issues on myself I need to work through. I fully expect him to reappear in my life at some point. I need to ensure this doesn’t happen. I am now seeking help for my past behaviour and issues. He is a weakness in me and knows exactly what to do to get what he needs. My mental health is really bad. He plays on that.

Would you tell her though? Give her the information she needs sooner rather than later about the kind of man he is. The way he just can’t be faithful and the way he will quite literally slowly strip her of all self esteem and independence until she finds it impossible to get out?

She quite possibly wants another child. He can’t give her that. She hadn’t got a huge amount of child bearing years on her side.

By telling her I could create a huge shitstorm in my life. A shit storm which is of my own making but one I had hoped to come out of protecting my children most.

If he finds out It’s likely he would never speak to me again. That would be positive. Yet he could tell the truth of our relationship to others which would be devasting.

Rambling now. I think the answer is keep quiet. But that’s what he’s relying on.

OP posts:
Montybojangles · 09/06/2020 11:38

If you were she what would you hope the other woman would do?

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 11:41

Tell me. Give me the facts before I was in too deep. Before I introduced him to friends and family. Before my child got involved.

However if she doesn’t take it well and sends trouble my way. Or tells him I’ve been in contact then I’m going to be in a very difficult situation myself.

OP posts:
Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 11:42

Of course he might change his ways. But to be unfaithful so early on does bode well.

And I don’t before that night was first time in wish case there are weeks and months of other unfaithfulness.

OP posts:
Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 11:42

Which not wish

OP posts:
Slothsarecreepy · 09/06/2020 11:47

It sounds like you've been having an affair with him? And he's started seeing someone else which has upset you?

justanotherneighinparadise · 09/06/2020 11:47

Do you want to create the huge shitstorm you mentioned? I know some people thrive off drama so you’ve got to decipher whether you really care about this stranger and want her to know the truth or you’re just hoping to throw in a hand grenade and feed off the consequences.

borntohula · 09/06/2020 11:51

Maybe she doesn't think they're exclusive anyway?

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 11:55

So you're married , you've been having an affair for years ... Your affair partner starts a relationship with another woman and cheats on her and you're wondering if you should tell her , just weeks into their relationship?

No.

And I wouldn't be surprised if he retaliated by telling your husband or something similar .

You know nothing if this woman , you don't get to inject yourself into her life in these circumstances .

Try living an honest life , it might do wonders for your mental health ( not being sarcastic )

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 12:03

CrazyDaysAndMondays10

Exactly that. Except more complicated.

Walk away. Stay nothing which he knows I’ll do.
Sort myself out. Move out. Move on.

OP posts:
Raidblunner · 09/06/2020 12:05

What are the circumstances that dictate why you shouldn't be with this guy? Is he already married?

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 12:09

The more complicated usually indicates some kind ofemotional messiness to a high degree. Which usually indicates that your in a toxic/abusive relationship.

Honestly? I think this guy sounds like a bastard . I think he used you and he's using this other woman.

You need to focus on yourself just now. He's made it easier , I know it doesn't feel like it but the "more complicated" can end now .

And he doesn't win . He has to keep living this vile life that he creates for himself . You can win .

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 12:17

And what you said about telling her to cut the cord between you and this man. I'm sorry but I think life is about doing what is right no matter how hard it is. You have to go through the anxiety and sadness of letting him go by yourself , otherwise you haven't learned anything .xxx

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 12:28

Thank you. CrazyDaysAndMondays10 Especially.

Yes he’s is a bastard. Three relationships- two long term he’s entered into and cheated on them all from the outset with me.

For me it’s only ever been him but I became aware of a couple of years ago of another emotional relationship he had with someone else than became physical once.

I need to realise and remember that for him I have become everything I hated morally. You’re right. I get to walk away- with guilt eating at me everyday. Ultimately though he’ll carry on. He said the problem was me- he just can’t be around me now. Well we will see won’t we? Remove me. Remove the problem. Except I don’t think it will. He’s always going to be the same.

OP posts:
CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 12:52

You have to work on yourself to the point when you walk away from him . If he's the type of person I suspect he is , he might never let you go . But he will make your life a living hell in the meantime .

Could you start counselling ? Look into it?

Crystalspider · 09/06/2020 13:17

I think you should just move on and put the whole thing behind you.
No contact ever with him or anyone else in his life.

user479879790 · 09/06/2020 14:37

OP are you annoyed that he's with someone else or that he's cheating on her with you?
You spent much of your post talking about the other woman and what her hopes and dreams might be (of another kid) and how he's shattering that by cheating on her. I think you should focus on YOU and let him deal with his own life.

ErickBroch · 09/06/2020 14:38

You need to not say anything and focus on cutting him out of your life. You are really getting involved where you don't need to be - discussing how many child-bearing years she has left? Hmm

ErickBroch · 09/06/2020 14:39

This man keeps getting in relationships with other women but never with you - that should say it all. I am sorry as it's obviously very painful for you. But you need to cut him out.

CuppaZa · 09/06/2020 14:39

You seem to know a lot about this other woman op.
It’s up to you if you tell her. But make sure you are doing it for genuinely good reasons, and also be prepared for shit to land on your door if you are married

ErickBroch · 09/06/2020 14:41

You are very obviosuly married. What a mess.

Honeyroar · 09/06/2020 14:45

It doesn’t matter what he does. That’s his business. Why are you so bothered about whether this other woman needs to know - you haven’t remotely mentioned your husband and what he deserves to know. Leave your husband and sort your self out.

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 14:47

I have blocked him on all means of communication.

I won’t be telling her unless specifically asked. If she looks closely it will be pretty obvious on social media he’s been spending time with me and potentially raise the who is she question. His reaction will be a dismissive one.

From now on in it won’t be me she needs to worry about and I hope she works out who he is sooner rather than later. True colours always shine through eventually.

OP posts:
ArdoCycle · 09/06/2020 14:49

Stay out of it.

Crystaltree · 09/06/2020 15:01

Don't feel any guilt about her and her child. You've been a muggins but she may or may not be. She may well just be enjoying a fling.

There's one infallible rule playing out here. If you get with a cheater they will cheat on you. You knew that from the beginning.

Let go and look to the future.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 15:50

Well done for blocking him it is absolutely the only way forward .

And try to forgive yourself , we all fuck up at times, the real test is whether we can learn from it and move on .