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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you tell her?

46 replies

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 11:32

Guy I’ve been involved with for too long ( years and years) in circumstances I shouldn’t be.

Has got himself involved with another woman. He’s free to do so. She seems from social media a really nice, independent single mum with a young child.

I suspected there was someone else. I could see the priming of her and he made reference to some things that niggled in my mind. I sought out the information, saw him there and confronted him next day about it. Some classic bullshit manipulative behaviour from him but still wanted contacted with me as friends.

I’ve seen him since that time. He hasn’t been faithful to her to varying degrees twice. It’s weeks into there relationship.

I don’t want him now but am devastated and have so many issues on myself I need to work through. I fully expect him to reappear in my life at some point. I need to ensure this doesn’t happen. I am now seeking help for my past behaviour and issues. He is a weakness in me and knows exactly what to do to get what he needs. My mental health is really bad. He plays on that.

Would you tell her though? Give her the information she needs sooner rather than later about the kind of man he is. The way he just can’t be faithful and the way he will quite literally slowly strip her of all self esteem and independence until she finds it impossible to get out?

She quite possibly wants another child. He can’t give her that. She hadn’t got a huge amount of child bearing years on her side.

By telling her I could create a huge shitstorm in my life. A shit storm which is of my own making but one I had hoped to come out of protecting my children most.

If he finds out It’s likely he would never speak to me again. That would be positive. Yet he could tell the truth of our relationship to others which would be devasting.

Rambling now. I think the answer is keep quiet. But that’s what he’s relying on.

OP posts:
JudithGrimes · 09/06/2020 15:56

@Damnmeifyouwish are you married?

Uncoordinated · 09/06/2020 16:09

So shoe on the other foot OP, if you think the girl need to know before she’s in too deep, don’t you think your husband deserves the same?

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 16:20

Honestly , the OP didn't ask for advice on that and I don't think we should cast judgement on situations we know nothing about .

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 17:35

CrazyDaysAndMondays10

Thank you.

You see the moral view on mumsnet about affairs a lot and tbh the vilification of those that post just isn’t necessary. People make mistakes, relationships have complications which doesnt condone affairs but sometimes does led to them.

Truth is I’m at the end of a very long affair/friendship with this man and I need guidance myself. I don’t need the slaughtering tbh. I know what I am. It just makes me feel shitter and in need of the affection he gives.

I’m seeking counselling for this and some previous abuse issues which have only just resurfaced. I’ll get there.

OP posts:
Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 17:40

Posts like Crazydays are more productive than slaughtering as they actually help the affair to end and the poster not to repeat patterns of behaviour.

And no I won’t be telling my OH. My children don’t need the shitstorm that will follow. I will be leaving when I have the finances and means to do so in a planned settled way. I am working towards that.

OP posts:
Chanel05 · 09/06/2020 17:48

I also think you need to stay out of it. It seems that your intentions are not to protect her from this man but more to damage their new relationship because you are feeling hurt and that is why you should not be saying anything.

Shallwedancetomojito · 09/06/2020 17:55

It seems to me more like your jealous and you want to tell her to sabotage things for them.

If that's the case well go ahead, but if he's got with someone else, he obviously wasn't happy with you anyway.

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 18:02

Slightly jealous. Very hurt.

Not the reason I was thinking of telling her though.
I’ve decided not to now.

OP posts:
CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 18:36

I have not been in this situation that you are in now, but I could imagine getting there. I believe that the bond you feel with this man is probably not caused by love.

If there has been previous abuse it might be useful to do some research on trauma bonds and how they are caused . People who have suffered abuse are more vulnerable to being exploited by not very nice people (aka bastards) . This is something I am looking into just now ( not long out if a relationship with an awful person , not dissimilar to yours )

RantyAnty · 09/06/2020 18:49

I wouldn't bother telling.

Block and never talk to him again.

Focus on your own life. Think of the things you can do for yourself without this time waster in your life.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 18:58

www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 18:59

Absolutely tell her.

He's a wanker and she needs to know so she can make informed decisions about her life. Life's too short to waste any time at all on arseholes- she might eventually find out but any time spent before she finds out is time wasted.

What she does with the info is upto her and you need to stay detatched from the outcome so you're not too annoyed if she stays with him or blocks you or whatever.

Obviously if you have actual evidence of cheating, that's even better.

It will also help you to feel he has some consequences for his actions.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 19:01

I know the relationship was with an affair partner but I'm thinking about it and the nature of that with the guilt that comes alongside it .... I think you've been a really toxic situation for a very long time .

I'm glad you're accessing counselling xxx

1forAll74 · 09/06/2020 19:15

Stay very clear now, and block him out big time. Don't concern yourself with the other woman either. It's all messy and horrible. all of which you can do without.

Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 19:37

Thank you Crazydays. Over a decade on and off.

I stayed away for a long time. This last period has been the longest and most intense.

No more.

OP posts:
Damnmeifyouwish · 09/06/2020 19:38

Trauma bonds stuff is making sense. Thank you.

OP posts:
Damnmeifyouwish · 14/12/2020 07:09

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10.

Your advice was so helpful I’d really appreciate it again. 3 months away, one month of friendship and I’m back in the cycle again. After my last messages in June I had a complete mental health breakdown. I got stronger, started counselling, did all the right things but I missed him so much.

This time he’s telling me exactly why he can’t stay away and what draws him to me. Everything I’ve always wanted to hear. He doesn’t even need to though. I’m totally in love with him.

OP posts:
RBKB · 14/12/2020 17:19

Sorry but you are not. He is not loveable. You are addicted to him. I speak from personal experience of this. And we can recover from addictions. But we have to really really want to, and we have to cut the substance or person out of our lives. And if you do, you WILL feel better this time next year. But if you don't, you will feel worse. Your choice. Harsh but so so true. Take the choice OP...choose happiness. Or...let him worm his way back in. Only you can decide. Getting in any way involved with his new fling is your addicted brain seeking another hit. Do not misunderstand that. Hugs. It's fucking shit being involved in this kind of set up but you CAN put it behind you.

Bitcherama · 14/12/2020 17:33

The self-righteous tone and victim stance are rather nauseating here. Look clearly. You are angry he doesn't want you and seeking revenge. Leave him alone, leave her alone and own the poor choices you have made without pontificating on how judgmental everyone is. You have been notably judgmental yourself here, and a massive hypocrite.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 17:37

You aren't in love.

You're attracted to the dynamic and addicted to it.

If he wanted to date you, he would publicly and happily date you.

He doesn't even like you enough to do that and yet you say you love him.

Men like him can't love women because they don't like or respect them.

To him, you are a source of ego stroking, sex and blow jobs. That's it. How awful for him to make you think you deserve to exist only for his needs. Find your anger about it.

You said this months ago about the woman he was publicly dating (so the woman he was at least willing to present as his partner, even if he was cheating on her)

Give her the information she needs sooner rather than later about the kind of man he is. The way he just can’t be faithful and the way he will quite literally slowly strip her of all self esteem and independence until she finds it impossible to get out?

You said this about someone else being with him so you know exactly what kind of man he is.

You don't love him. You're addicted to him and want the validation that you're different to the other women he shags and if you wait around long enough, are sexy enough, are cool enough, are loyal enough then he'll turn into the boyfriend you want and treat you well. He won't. He's a cunt and you're being a mug, as well as frequently being complicit in him cheating on other women.

I know that all sounds harsh but you are wasting precious years of your life on someone who sees you as totally replaceable, totally disposable and I'm sorry but men like him view the women who enable them as pathetic and don't respect them. They don't respect any women really, but they have a particular contempt for those who keep coming back.

Stop. This. Madness.

It's poisonous, toxic and self destructive.

Onthedunes · 14/12/2020 17:44

Is your affair partner angry beacause you won't leave your husband.

Do you think he is actively looking for other partners because you are not available?

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