Another gem from the OH

[YouFillMeWithInertia]

NC etc...

Last night we were talking in bed and OH comes out with something along the lines of "Your tits are okay but not the best I've seen. Some women I look at and think PHWOAR, they're nice jugs!".

He can't underatand why I'm pissed off today . Add in the fact that I'm already feeling mega rejected as we've only had sex (or any kind of intimacy) 3 times in the last two years...

I'm currently looking after the kids while he's playing computer games working from home in the dining room. Only a few hours before I get to make us all lunch. Again.

It's just another erosion of our already strained marriage.

/rant

Life in a smaller house on your own is far less lonely and demeaning than life in a bigger house with a knobjockey. You have the rest of your life to live. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t spark any joy in you at all!

I haven't really got a plan, every time I get close to calling it a day he either makes a grand apology or I realise how much I would lose.

Make a plan.

He knows what he is doing here to you and he does not care; this is why he does the grand apology. It is really no apology at all, its merely designed to keep you in the hole he has partially dug for you to grow flowers in.

What would you really lose here other than this millstone around your neck?. What price your self worth and respect here?. House and such like are but material possessions and it could well be you would remain in the marital home.

I would also think they are picking up on the disdain and antipathy you have towards each other at home, do not ever think they are completely unaware.

Wow. I would never stay with someone who was so disrespectful. He’s clearly an arse. That’s a horrendous thing to say, especially to someone you are supposed to love and care for. Why would you want to make them feel like shit?

Wow OP. You only get one life, you can have many many different relationships in that life. Being one half of a bad relationship is not better than being happy single.

Bloody hell, I wouldn't just be annoyed, I'd refuse to sleep in the same bed. What an arsehole.

When you talk about the missed opportunity with the other guy and the recognition that he now appears happy, you also inadvertently reveal that you sound as if you are on the pathway to a life full of bitterness and anger. You won't see this yet but you will be angry and bitter at yourself. Not him. This is because you have agency and choice. Don't see yourself as a powerless victim because it will cause you to internalise anger and resentment at your own inability to find the courage to change. Your DC will potentially model their own expectations of life on their main role model. You. You are living in a twilight world when you could be in the sunshine.

He is bringing nothing to your relationship. He insults you, doesn't help at home, doesnt have sex and I assume barely even has a conversation with you?

Think of your life without him. Yes it will be difficult but your doing everything alone anyway. The relief you'll feel will be amazing as you'll be free. Downgrading in terms of your living arrangements...that will build back up over the years and you can say blimey I did that all by myself. You'll meet someone new eventually who you'll be madly in love with and visa versa. Just picture it. You'll be making the right move by leaving him. Xx

I know what you mean when you say he will shower someone else with love and affection, but trust me, he won't. He might at first, but men rarely change and from everything you said, in a few years time it will be next victim on the receiving end of his insults. He will get worse if you stay with him, and you deserve better. I'd also advise on focusing on you, rather than look back at the 'what could have been'. There will be someone out there for you! Just take your time.

If you don't move on you will never find anyone better.

Give yourself and the children a chance to be happier.

He can go and stare at strange women's jugs.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it's certainly given me some perspective.

@Whatabambam - you're right, I do internalise, it's easier just to swallow things than having to deal with the fallout of another conversation that is twisted back to being my fault somehow.

I've just seen another thread about a solicitor (or was it lawyer) who's been ground down just like me. Male or female, how can these people do it? Bringing strong professionals to our kness so we're shadows of our former selves? Perhaps were weak or misguided thinking it won't happen to us?

@OnTheRollercoasterCalledLife - you say about building back up etc but the fact is that I already had it! When we met I was a stone's throw from paying off the mortgage and we combined to buy our "together forever" home. It's depressing to think that I'll be lucky to end up the same place I was a decade ago.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my pathetic ramblings, you've given me the kick I needed to reconnect with my previous self - right now I'm feeling strong, empowered and ready to face what's coming!

It’s like dragging a dead donkey around staying with him. I’d cut your losses op. Give him the elbow.

how can these people do it? Bringing strong professionals to our kness so we're shadows of our former selves?

@YouFillMeWithInertia It's a challenge for them, or they feel threatened so they have to bring you down. Plus you have more to offer- money, stuff etc.

I get the whole they'll be someone else and he'll treat them better thing. It's part of the realisation that you have been let down by someone you trusted...you look for reasons ( but there are none because the nice person was an act) and you can't process that they've changed like this. Its so hard to realise that you have given someone good old fashioned 'in it for keeps' love and they have paid you back with selfishness and contempt.

You have to get "you" back into the centre of your thinking. A useful phrase to think over is 'I only want to be married to someone who.....' then, for example,doesn't make hurtful comments about my body.

If that is not your H then you have to change the phrase ( unless he apologises etc) or understand that now is the time to leave.

I hope that makes sense and helps.

Relationships should be happy. Your relationship isn't happy. My friend stayed with her husband until her children were grown up, and they both say they wish she hadn't, even though they weren't supposed to know what had been going on. My friend and her husband had been "like friends" for at least ten years, but there had been a passive aggressive undercurrent, involving little things like "I've done mine and the kids ironing...I'll leave the ironing board up for you". They still socialised together, and outsiders would never have known that things were so wrong at home. When they eventually separated, they both blossomed. The same thing happened to me when my husband and I separated. I'll not deny the difficulties I faced emotionally, and after 22 years it took me a long time to get over the break up, but I loved the freedom of my own little house, and by the time I met my 2nd husband I was very happy on my own, and not needy or particularly bothered about meeting someone else. I certainly had no desire to remarry! 14 months later everything changed, and I married the absolute love of my life!

This will probably sound ridiculously stupid but my fear (aside from children things and having to seriously downgrade my living arrangements) is that if we split then he'll quickly and easily find somone else and give them all the love and affection that I'm not getting while I'm left on the shelf.

Two things spring to mind here:

1- how would it possibly be downgrading your living arrangements to live on you’re own compared to living with this utter tosser and having your self esteem eroded daily? Living arrangements are about who you live with, not just what roof is over your head.

2-Yes he might move on and treat someone else better while you’re single. But eventually he will be a tosser to her too and even if he isn’t, how on earth is that justification to stay with him treating you like shit? If you’re single then every day there’s is a chance of meeting the love of your life. While you’re shackled to this awful excuse for a man, you know for certain that won’t be happening. Even if you’re single, how is that worse than being with him?

@Rainycloudyday - The downgrading comment is because, aside from having a nice house, I am able to run my business out of it. If the house goes (can't quite stretch to buy him out) then I'll have to rent separate premises which will pull my finances a bit thin. The plus side of this is that, if he has the kids over, I will be able to get more work done. Additionally, I won't have someone whinging on that I have to do X, Y or Z NOW, thus interrupting what I'm doing.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more beneficial this is seeming.

I'm really not that intetested in meeting anyone else (although I'd love some sex!) and if we do go our separate ways then I'd be more than happy to remain single. But if I were to want to meet someone, the field in which I work isn't exactly heaving with eligible men!

Seriously though, just going through all this and reading the replies has squared my head up and I now feel in the position that I can make headways in to "resolving the situation".

Thanks everyone!

Please leave him. You will be happier alone and when you are over the upheaval you will get your post break up 'Glow up' and feel like 10x the woman you do when someone next to you in bed tells you they dont particularly like the look of your tits.

@YouFillMeWithInertia, as others have said, far better to be alone and able to please yourself than be with your current waste of space. I've lived without a partner for over 12 years now. First as a single parent but now alone. Even if I met someone else now I would retain my own space and independence. I love it.

Nah, bin him off op, it's a vile thing to think, never mind say to you !

He looks at other womens jugs does he? probably photoshopped fake boobs.

Never take it to heart when a man puts your looks down, they do it to make themselves feel better because they are insecure and far from perfect.

If you ever do ditch him i'm sure the next man would love them.

God, Op, I'd be devastated. That is a calculatedly vile thing to say. I actually think it is on the edge of emotional abuse. He is negging you, to bring you down, demoralise you and make you feel powerless. Divorce him!

Absolutely disgusting. He's probably hooked on porn.

Please, next time he makes a similar comment, be ready for a come back - he needs a slap down. I liked the cock comment mentioned by a previous poster.

Also, you could meet some 'really nice man' just like your old flame did with his now wife. It's possible. And if not you're at least away from this kind of shit.

I don’t like to blame women for staying in unhappy relationships, and what your H said sounds abusive. However, it doesn’t sound like you’re staying in this relationship because you’re scared to leave or because he’s ground you down so much that you don’t feel you deserve any better/that it is all your fault (which is of course untrue). So I’m questioning why you’re staying? Like, really, why?
Kids, house... it can be sorted. No child has ever thanked their parent for staying in an unhappy and loveless relationship. It doesn’t exactly make for a happy and loving family home where healthy relationships are modelled.
It sounds like you’re staying because you can’t be arsed to leave or because you don’t want to, I don’t know... leave and then be single when he finds someone? And this stuff about your friend, why should him being married influence what you do at all?!
Give your head a wobble, in the kindest way possible. You’re complaining about being talked down to and then having to make his lunch but there is nothing stopping you from leaving.