Please help- is this emotional abuse?

[Helloitsonlyme]

Please can someone help me understand this.
I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, I’m 28 years old, we live together, no children and have quite a nice life, he has a very good job, but do have some issues. He has occasions where he has lost his temper before with me, name calling etc and I have tried to talk to him before about how this is unacceptable. He always says I make him angry so that’s why he reacts the way he does.
But 95% of the time he is lovely, buys flowers, cooks dinner etc. Helps out loads round the house. Would do anything for me if I asked I am sure.
Last night we had both had a drink and had an argument, it ended with me saying to him that I wasn’t sure about our relationship, I was unhappy with some of the things he has done in the past (as above). I feel like somethings I just can’t get over and move past these things and I know it then is me starting the argument by bringing them up.

He started throwing my clothes etc out of our drawers, shoved me back so I fell on the bed, then came up in my face and yelled at me ‘I’m going to f*%^king cut your throat’.

I burst into tears, asked him to sleep on the sofa and then this morning have packed a bag and gone to stay down the road with a work friend.

Honestly I just don’t know what to do, he’s messaged me to say he is sorry and wants to fix our relationship. I just feel so lost and like I have no one really to talk to about this. Would you end a relationship over this? Part of me feels like I can’t go back but should I end it over this one comment when most of the time things are good?

Any help appreciated.

He shoved you and threatened you?

Listen to the voice inside telling you that you aren't sure about the relationship and get rid.

The only right amount of abuse in a relationship is no abuse.

It's more than emotional abuse. He has assaulted you and threatened to kill you. He isn't a good man. If he was, he wouldn't dream of calling you names, losing his temper and physically assaulting you. Please try and get out of this relationship. I know it won't be easy but it's for the best. Maybe contact Womens Aid if you want to. Stay safe and take care❤️

Everyone has arguments at times but name calling yes that is emotional abuse, shoving you is physical abuse, threatening to cut your throat is completely unforgivable and you should leave and never be with him again, his temper is getting worse and is getting more dangerous, this could actually happen to you if your return, keep yourself safe.

this one comment

It wasn’t a comment, it was a threat to kill you.

You’d be mad NOT to end it over a threat of murder.

Take his threat seriously and stay as far away as you can

I make him angry so that’s why he reacts the way he does.

They all say the victim 'pushes their buttons' so they do what they do, but it's bollox. Normal people don't respond like this.

It's not only emotional abuse, it's physical abuse, and he threatened to kill you.

Take a loved one with you to pick up your stuff, then block him.

Imagine how much you would have to dislike or hate someone to treat them as he has treated you. I bet that you couldn't even imagine a situation where this would be possible . You weren't threatening him , you didn't deserve any of this . He is a vile and abusive man , he screamed in your face he was going to "fucking cut your throat" that is awful , vile , disgusting and unforgivable , and illegal. He would never be angry to do this to anyone else , he can control himself around others ....

Abusers aren't awful all the time , and it sounds like you have a pretty good life just now . How would it be if additional stresses were added ,could you expect it to get worse and for him to treat you badly and as a scapegoat for his emotional outbursts ?

You have to leave this relationship now , you will never be safe with him , I'm sorry xxxx

Well done for leaving, now stay gone. No one deserves to be treated this way. It is not your fault.

I was the person who gave my ex the benefit of the doubt after a similar outburst... it got worse and worse until I was a shadow of my former self, after I went back to him he got clever with it and I was young and naive and didn’t even know about emotional/financial abuse, he started with this, then the odd outburst of violence. Eventually I had nothing but him and his abuse. It took me four more years to escape him for good. Despite this being many years ago (and I’m in a happy relationship now with lovely DC) I’m still pulling myself back together.

I have never been so angry as to threaten a person’s life, no matter what they’ve said to me or how they’ve treated me. I wouldn’t go back OP - well done for getting out

Totally agree with PP’s. i couldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams even thinking that let alone saying it!!!! What sort of hatred do you have to have in your psyche to say such a thing. If he was 99% perfect the rest of the time, that one comment and physical assault would be enough For me to know I would no longer be safe with him. You will forever tread on eggshells wondering if he would actually do it. I was brought up in a very violent alcoholic household. My Dad was lovely and fun when he was sober but when drunk he was so violent I would wet myself in fear that he was going to kill me in the moment. It was terrifying for a 4 year old child to live through. Hearing what your DP has said and done has triggered so many feelings for me. Please get out now. There is something very wrong with him.

Holy shit he is a friggin lunatic op.

This is beyond abuse.
And he is a danger to you.

To quote roughly Lundy bankroft 'abusers are not abusive because they are angry - they are angry because they are abusive'.

Never go back. Absolutely not. He us a full blown psychopath or something similar.

Please don’t go back, this won’t get better. You say he’s nice 95% of the time, but would you drink a cup of tea that was 95% lovely tea & 5% bleach?

Please don't go back. You've done the right thing leaving. At 28 you have your whole life ahead.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate people taking the time to comment. I think today I just feel in utter shock about it and so so sad.

Well he threatened to kill you. How can you get past that.

I'm not surprised you're in shock . Very few people are ever screamed at by someone they love in such a cruel manner . This isn't usual . It's not something that you should be prepared for .

Take good care of yourself just now , eat , drink fluids , post on this thread instead of contacting him ... Get some real life support..... Xxxx

I agree with everyone else and not surprised you’re feeling shocked. No matter how he tries to justify it and promise it will never happen again, this is absolutely abusive. Even if it didn’t happen again, how could you forgive that behaviour? It is vile. The likelihood is, though, that it would happen again and next time he might really flip and you might not come off physically unscathed.

Others will have better advice for physical abuse but a good starter to understand the emotional abuse is Lundy Bancroft’s book: Why Does He Do That.

Would I go back? Not in a million years! You deserve a loving and safe relationship. You are still in your 20’s with no ties to this man (marriage or children). Be glad of that and go and find yourself someone who deserves you.

@Helloitsonlyme Listen to your instincts, he is showing you who he is, and think about what advice you would give to a friend if the same thing happened to her.

Please, please PLEASE don't go back. He'll kill you one day if you do.

Please don't go back, he threatened to kill you. You did the right thing by getting out. Stay out and stay safe

How much drink had you had?
Are the arguments always after drinking?
How often do you drink?

Why is that relevant mike?

There isn't a scenario that includes alcohol where any of this is justifiable.

If he drank too much , he can't control himself

If she drank too much , she still didn't deserve it .

I don't care if him , her and the monkeys at the nearest zoo had a big piss up . Nothing makes this right .

Dont go back. Take someone (preferably male) to collect your belongings.

Mike op has posted saying her partner pushed her and threatened to kill her and your first question is to ask about her drinking habits? Really?