Wwyd

[simpletimes]

I don't even know if I can do anything tbh.
My mother told me she was leaving everything to my sister in her will because my sister is not married. My sister is a lot more successful than me both in terms of assets and job, he paid for her to study and bought her properties etc.

I'm really angry and hurt. My sister has been the favourite all my life but I never imagine my mum would take it this far.
I can't bring myself to speak to my mum, it's not about money it's about not acknowledging me or my dc in her will and the consequences to me in doing that.
The money would be life changing to me but pocket money to my sister, and aside from that who knows where either of us will be when she does die as it's not imminent.

Since then I've had other family members say I'm awful not speaking to my mum etc but I haven't mentioned why. I don't know if I'm being nasty and simply not respecting my mums decision to leave everything to a dc that apparently brought her more joy than me. No one else knows my mum has done this.

Sorry meant to say my sister is also with a wealthy man who paid for her study and bought her properties in her name.

I would feel as you have - it's her money to do what she wishes with, and clearly she's done so.
But in doing so, she's underlined once and for all, that your sister is put ahead of you and even after death she will put your sister ahead of you. I can't see how that wouldn't affect your relationship with her and you are allowed to decide if you don't want a relationship with anyone who treats you poorly. Hence the flying monkeys.

I have stopped speaking to my mother now. Not for any other reason than I just need time to process how I feel now. It has changed things. I knew my sister was the favourite but I never for one moment thought my mum would draw the line like this. I'm quite sad tbh. And also sad my own dc are cut out as well. Even if she's not keen on me she's always gone on about loving my dc. My dc are still young though thank goodness.

I fully understand why you feel this way. I feel my own mother behaves in a similar way to yours.
Has your sister not questioned the will and raised the fact that it’s unfair ?

I know in my heart she will tell me something like my mum let her wishes be known. My sister enjoys being the favourite. My mum does things like gets her big birthday presents and me nothing and she will shrug her shoulders and brush it off as maybe mum didn't know what to get you.
She also seems to enjoy being 'superior' financially to me. Tbh it's what she's been taught, she's better than me, she just can't help it etc.
I feel I have to cut my mum off to avoid ahh future pain from this.
But I'm not sure if I should tell other family members who are blaming me for a fall out.

Well remind her who the Golden Child is when she is old and needs her arse wiped..
I don't blame you for nc op. She has shown her true colours.

@Windyatthebeach I can't even tell you what dark thoughts have entered my mind re my mother ever since she told me.
I am tying very hard to focus on my own family and just get on with life. I can't be turning bitter it's not worth it but I am finding it very difficult to process!

What a mean, horrible, nasty bitch your mum is op, I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Tbh I'd go nc with your mum and your sister, I was going to suggest speaking to your sister but after your last post I'd not bother.

Rise above it and live your own life. I'd also suggest getting some counselling as this sort of thing can eat you slice if you let it.

Oh, and I'd not hold back telling people why either. I'm sure your mum will twist it, but it'll get it off your chest to them too

Christ op. Stay No contact and tell everyone.

You could potentially challenge the will after her death. There's an expectation of "reasonable provision" that you might fall under.

Thanks it's helpful to air this. I think I will tell the relatives. I do try very hard to rise above it. Accept that it's out of my control. I told my mother I don't agree I feel it's very unfair. She just turned on her heel and walked away from me without a response.
Part of me wonders if she's doing this to deliberately cause me further pain.
She will lie to them I have no doubt. But at least I've said my piece I suppose.

It's power and control.
I bet she's controlling another ways? I bet in your childhood you were the scapegoat and your sister the golden child?
Take the power away from her. Dont join in with her cruel games
Maybe try talking this through with a counsellor or therapist but not with her. You will never win.

Yes very controlling. All my life. But for some reason I thought that at least one day I would get half etc. At least in death she would acknowledge me but wow I was so very wrong.

Stuff her op. Sure, it’s her money to do what she sees fit with, but what an awful mum she is. I can’t imagine doing that to my dc.
I too would also go NC. Her golden child can wipe her arse in old age

I'm lucky I have dc. Before them I would have said ok I don't deserve any better but now I can see through them the way I am treated isn't normal. But I don't know how to process these feelings. I can't afford counselling right now am in the middle of being furloughed and facing job loss etc but maybe in the future.

For now I am trying to stay sane and pretend nothing has changed. That this was how it was always going to be I just didn't face up to it earlier in my own mind. I am very sad though. To have it confirmed that between two dc one has a mother who cares for them and one doesn't has truly upset me.

When you have your own children, sometimes it's like a switch and you suddenly realise how toxic your own parents are. And it can be a shock because you thought it was 'normal ' but its not. And you can't imagine ever treating your own kids like that.
She will have her money but you will have your freedom from her.
Dont let her see that she can use that to get to you. Ignore it. She's a cruel horrible mother.
But try to find a way to process the feelings that come with this.
If councelling is not accessible right now,try writing it down.
Also the we took you to stately homes thread on here is very supportive.

That's quite sad, my older brother has always been the favourite, however, I fully expect that my parents will provide for us all equally, however, if they didn't, I know my brother would have my back as we respect and care for each other. He's also successful, I think golden children have self belief whereas it leaves us with self doubt so more likely to underachieve in life. With parenthood comes great responsibility, it's a pity many fail in this.
Personally, I couldn't have a relationship with your sister either, shocking the way she behaves towards you. Cut them off, rise above it, and I'd anyone asks, set them straight.

Thanks. I do feel she's been very cruel here. I almost feel like she told me to be cruel. She could have just left it but it felt like she really wanted me to know.

And yes I don't really speak to my dsis either. She believes we were treated equally and I'm just a failure of my own making (financially) I'm not even a failure ! Just not in such as good a position as her.

That’s awful OP, what an absolutely cruel thing to do. It’s not about the money. She couldn’t be more clear about how she feels about you in that one action. She’s really shown her true colours. It is her right to do what she will with her money but it is equally your right to cut her out of your life for doing it. As a previous poster said, your sister can be the one to spoon feed her and wipe her backside when she's too old and frail to do it for herself. Personally I wouldn’t speak to my sister either. If my Mum did that to my brother and sister I would tell her I’m not willing to accept that arrangement and if she doesn’t change it, I would donate their share to charity. Your sister should not accept this arrangement and the fact that she has means she has also shown her true colours.

I am so sorry that is a very nasty thing to do. You need to do what you are doing, get out of this toxic relationship. Good luck to your sister....let her have the money. I would cut them both out of your life and live the best life you have. You can't pick your relatives but you can sure pick good friends and those close to you. Live the best life possible. I, too am facing redundancy so know how awful this feels too. We will get through this awful time and you will be ok. Keep those close who mean the most. Ignore those who do not bring joy or meaning to your life even if its your mother and sister. There is no law saying you have to have a relationship with either.

Thanks. Unfortunately it is very hard when people ask oh how is your mum etc. I find myself pretending I'm still in contact sometimes as society can be hard work when you don't speak to your own mother. I do feel judged but then I don't tell people what's happened. I'm ashamed as well. Maybe to say my mother must hate me that much I feel like it will look like I've done something wrong but I know I haven't.

I'm the same @ilikemethewayiam if it was the other way around I would not accept this I would half the money regardless. But it's not that way at around.

It is sometimes possible to challenge a will legally if a close relative of the deceased has been left out unfairly and there is evidence of close contact, caring responsibilities etc. This is not straightforward and can only be done after the person has died but it might be worth taking some advice. If a solicitor thought the case was strong they might do it on a no win no fee basis.

How awful for you to have it confirmed to you in such a cruel way that your sister is the golden child. Especially hurtful that she's not considering your DCs in this. I think you're right in your approach to go NC with them so that you can protect your own mental health.

You never know. Maybe your mother will need to move into a care home in her later years so that will eat up any funds and your DS would end up getting nothing too.

I have been nc with my dm most of my adult life.
It is very liberating being free of such an awful woman.
Start enjoying the peace. I just say I don't see her if asked. Nobody has ever asked for more of an explanation..