Wwyd

[simpletimes]

I don't even know if I can do anything tbh.
My mother told me she was leaving everything to my sister in her will because my sister is not married. My sister is a lot more successful than me both in terms of assets and job, he paid for her to study and bought her properties etc.

I'm really angry and hurt. My sister has been the favourite all my life but I never imagine my mum would take it this far.
I can't bring myself to speak to my mum, it's not about money it's about not acknowledging me or my dc in her will and the consequences to me in doing that.
The money would be life changing to me but pocket money to my sister, and aside from that who knows where either of us will be when she does die as it's not imminent.

Since then I've had other family members say I'm awful not speaking to my mum etc but I haven't mentioned why. I don't know if I'm being nasty and simply not respecting my mums decision to leave everything to a dc that apparently brought her more joy than me. No one else knows my mum has done this.

Have a similar situation with a family member. We don’t speak. If people ask, I just say we are not in contact anymore. If they ask why I just say, it’s not something I talk about. They drop it after I’ve made it clear I’m not going to discuss it. It’s not anyone’s else’s business but yours what’s happened between you and your family. You don’t need anyone giving you ‘friendly advice’ or their opinions on the matter. You’ve made your choice and it’s the correct one for you at this time.

If asked, say why. When she does pass and the monies are left to your sister people will assume its because of the fallout.

I'd simply reply when asked that your mother told you what she was doing with her estate and that you accept her decision. But the natural consequences of her decision indicate to you that she views yourself and your children and your combine future as unimportant. As such, to shield your family of any potential hurt in the future you'll no longer engage with her.

Really sorry your being treated so unfairly. Horrible behaviour both on your mother and sisters part. I guess it's her choice at the end of the day but in doing so she's effectively severed her relationship with you. Everyone that is within your family needs to know why and make up their own minds with regard to your mother & sister. You can't help feeling resentful and undervalued but try not to internalise it, it really is their lacking as human beings. That would be it for me though, the fact that she's not recognised you in her will reflects how she feels about you in life.

@MMadness

If asked, say why. When she does pass and the monies are left to your sister people will assume its because of the fallout.

I'd simply reply when asked that your mother told you what she was doing with her estate and that you accept her decision. But the natural consequences of her decision indicate to you that she views yourself and your children and your combine future as unimportant. As such, to shield your family of any potential hurt in the future you'll no longer engage with her.

^^ This is good!

Thanks all. Yes I actually hadn't thought if she were to die people would then blame me for her cutting me out. I won't be staying quiet about it now.

Hi @simpletimes, I am always curious why people discuss the contents of their wills with their children. It could be that they want to get their affairs in order or it could be that they want to punish the children that aren't getting anything or a much less amount than other children. They are putting you in your place and inciting you to feel bad or to react. You also have other members of the your family piling in to judge you as well. All very manipulative and unpleasant. If you can, keep calm and emotionally detach from these numpties. You have value as your own person and don't need to compete with this rubbish.

Personally it would be a deal breaker for me. My children are equal.All of them.
I'm equal to my siblings.
I don't care if I'm left 50p or £5 Million. It's equal. It's not the money it's the principle .

that's so hard op - i feel for you immensely.

i'm not sure i could resist trying to let DM know how i feel.

i initially thought a completely unemotional, dispassionate letter/email, explaining that while i understood her decision, the fact it so starkly indicates how unimportant her DGCs are to her (not mentioning myself at all), means that i will be focussing my time and energy on relationships that enrich me and my family.

but in reality, this will easily twisted into "she's cutting us out because she isn't getting any money".

your best bet is just to withdraw from the relationship, without any explanation. gradually if you wish.

then you can use all that spare emotional energy to work on yourself, so that when the inevitable occurs, and she needs someone to help her in her dotage (and DSis is "far too busy"), you are in a secure enough place to tell her no.

My dad used to play all us siblings off one another. If any of his grown children use to fall out with him or 'displeased 'him, he would change his will and cut them out.
He did this all the time. I think this was to make sure we all 'behaved 'to how he wanted.
No doubt I'm cut out now because I've gone NC (for several reasons)
It's a control thing. It's all he can do now to control us. It's sad and its pathetic because at the end if the day, all his children ever want is his love.
He is a very sad man.
No doubt your mother is the same sort of personality and there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing. But look after yourself now.

Horrible behaviour from your Mother , I hope your sister is ready to be her carer at some point. There's also the fact there may be no estate left to leave if it gets used up in care fees.

She's nasty, she's putting the final nail the coffin to completly kill any chance at a relationship with your sister. So cruel.
My sis and I had no love lost as teens and twenties, and really diliked each other in our 30's But as we got older we have got closer, Mum made sure to treat us equally. If she hadn't our relationship would die along with my mother once she goes.
Don't keep it to yourself, she's counting on you doing that. Anyone asks why tell them she has told you how she feels about you and is trying to kill the chance of being a friend to your sister by willing all her worldly goods to her favorite child and telling me she dislikes me that much, and you refuse to be the scapegoat of the family any longer.

OP I feel like there is part of the story missing here.

What led to your mother announcing this? It seems like a really strange thing for someone to just announce out of the blue. How did this conversation come about?

I have done absolutely nothing to warrant this. In fact I dropped her home one evening after driving her around for various errands she needed to get done and it was right at the end just as she was about to go into her house she just went in close to me and told me.
At the time I was just utterly hurt but said nothing in shock. She then said bye and went in her house and I went home.

In hindsight I think maybe my sister having a baby highlighted to her how much more important my sister and family are than me. She'd always made it clear my sister was the favourite but I really never thought it went this deep. But I can't help but think she let me know to hurt me. I don't see what good can come of it. Should have left it for me to find out (although I'm happy that hasn't happened tbh)

Of course since then I've wracked my brains trying to think what have I done. But I really haven't done anything and I really don't think it's nice. At the time I was even paying for her internet driving her everywhere being at her beck and call etc. Ridiculous looking back.

@Aerial2020 oh yes my mother plays us off each other. I quit that very early on in adulthood. It would usually be along the lines of "oh sister got me the most beautiful gift the other day. It was so big and wonderful I just can't believe she loves me sooooo much" Perhaps I didn't play the games enough. I used to fall for it but eventually I grew tired of hearing how incredible my dsis was so I used to just go along with the story and say wow yes she truly is incredible and the tales magically stopped after a while.

OP, I didn't mean that you were the cause of it, I just wondered why it was mentioned. It's usually said as a power play. For example, you're backing away from the relationship or not giving her as much attention as she wants so she tells you that she's cutting you out of her will. I was wondering what had triggered that type of conversation.

They sometimes use ill health as well, either playing up an illness or inventing an illness to punish and guilt trip the 'offender' while others rally around.

I would take this as the end of your relationship OP. You don't owe anyone an explanation and people are making it very clear about what they think of you by taking her side with no idea of what's going on. That's their prerogative, it's not fair but at least it tells you who your friends are, so to speak.

Stop doing errands for her. Stop giving her any attention. My advice is to cut her off entirely but I know that's very hard to do. It may be an idea to just go very low contact, the odd phone call, B'day card or Christmas card. You're suddenly 'very busy'.

OP. I'm so sad to read your posts. And i am glad you aren't questioning yourself, which is no doubt what your mother wants you to do. So she doesn't win. But it shouldn't be a battle. I wonder if your mum feels some kind of irrational jealousy towards you? I really hope you are able to get some counselling. I dont suppose you're a member of an employee assistance programme through work? You might still be able to use the services despite furlough? I accessed counselling via that route and it was so good for me
I'm so sorry.

Your happiness and your loving relationships with your children are unbeatable. She can never take those away from you. The one thing that your golden child sister hasn't achieved - giving her grandchildren - has probably led to resentment from both of them. Move on without them. You are winning at life by not needing anything from either of them. Block them and keep them blocked

Sounds like you don’t really need the inheritance, her death will be enough of a gift surely ? If she mentioned it again that is what I would say, she won’t be expecting that! Sh

She sounds dreadful. She is definitely doing this to upset & control you. My mother is the same, small minded & thinks / talks far too much about wills & inheritance. I think it is crass & odd to spend so much time gleefully planning who will be lucky enough to bestow her estate to. It’s quite sick actually.

Definitely cut her out like a cancer, your snobby excuse of a sister too & do not be ashamed to tell people if they ask. Even if people don’t believe you - it’s not your burden to carry. You deserve to be able to be honest about your reasons, if you choose.

Thanks. I have no idea if I'll need the inheritance. Right now everything's gone wrong due to cv for me but the way I try to look at it is it's not mine there's not much I can do.
No one in my family discusses things like wills death etc it came out of the blue in private and seemed to deliberately be aimed at hurting me and she did really hurt me. It also hurt she decided my dc wasn't worth thinking about in all of this either. I don't miss her either which has surprised me.

I hope you’re not paying her internet anymore! And don’t drive her anywhere, go lo. She is nasty but what’s as bad is that she clearly didn’t give a shit about your kids either. The principal of this is what matters and it’s awful.