Confused about my sexuality

[Intergalactica]

Hi all.
I’ve name changed for this but I’m a frequent user. I can’t believe I’m writing this as I normally never acknowledge the feelings I have but here we go.
I’m a single mum to my DD who is a toddler, I separated from her father because he was emotionally abusive. The relationships I had before I met him were ok but I always felt so unsatisfied, never had good sex really apart from with one partner but he was so immature in a lot of ways. Since being a teen I have always felt a sexual attraction to women but I ignored it and thought that’s never something I could explore (I don’t know why I took this approach). I now think looking back I’ve actually always PREFERRED the idea of a woman over a man, I just went for men because I felt that’s what I should be doing. The idea of a relationship with a woman just seems more attractive in general, they’re more understanding, selfless, caring (the majority of the time) and I just think us women are beautiful in so many ways.
The problem is I feel shame about my feelings. I feel like there’s no way I could ever pursue my feelings towards women because I don’t want to embarrass my DD or have her bullied in school because of my sexuality so I feel like it’s something I will have to continue to hide forever. Also, I haven’t ever been with a woman sexually, so how do I know this is actually how I feel or just something I like the idea of because I’m sick of men?
This is a very rambling post I’m sorry for that, my thoughts have just spilled out but it’s been on my mind and I cannot discuss this with anyone IRL, I would shrivel up at the thought of it and I don’t want to be judged.
Thanks for reading

Bumping

*so no one needs to know

It could be the thrill I used to enjoy to watch female porn and the thought of a lady was much more satisfying than a man. Fast forward I went there sexually then into a relationship told dc who accepted and family etc and than realised it was far to intense and not what I wanted at all.
Don't shout it to the world don't tell anyone just test the water privately and u never no what may happen x

I'm in a similar position op. Always liked women as well as men but never told anyone this. Now single with a toddler as well and when I'm ready to date again, I'm going to explore this side of me. I've even been wondering recently if I might be lesbian, when I look back at guys I've been with, my hearts never really been in it.. Like you it just felt like that was what I was supposed to do. Alot of people have asked me if I'm into women in my life too, so I maybe give off that vibe who knows. I've ended up rambling a bit too here my apologies! I'd say to you, just go for it and see how it goes, it's so much more acceptable etc nowadays so nothing to be ashamed of :)

Sorry to hear your confused. only you can decide which sex you prefer there are lots of gay people in the world now and you could be putting your own happiness on hold forever to please everyone except you. Why don't you look on a website to date a woman once lockdown is over? You might not have met the right guy to be satisfied or you genuinely would prefer a woman. Your dd is young so now would be a good time to test your theory before she understands but if you prefer woman go for it. You don't have to come out do you. unless you wanted to. Good luck it must be hard to be unsure.

I didn't come out as bi until later in life. Honestly best thing I ever did accepting myself as I am. Am now happily settled down with a woman and it's unlike any relationship I've ever had with a man, thankfully. As for dc - generally are a lot more lgbt accepting these days. Ds had a bit of a time coming round to it but he's fine now. Dd doesn't know if she's going to marry a man or woman

I'm very sorry to hear that you feel ashamed of your feelings. There really is nothing to be ashamed of. Imagine how wonderful it would feel to be yourself without shame or embarrassment. I think that it is possible although there will be a journey to get there.

How would you feel about trying one or two dates with women and see how it goes? You're not committing yourself to anything, you're not officially coming out, and you don't have to tell your DD. If you don't enjoy the dates and don't fancy the women much after all, you don't have to pursue it. But if you do enjoy it you can decide what to do from there.

Please don't sacrifice your happiness for fear of what other people might think. Life is too short.

Thank you all!
To answer your question first @Bunnymumy I get it, that’s the thing I think because I haven’t actually got a specific person in mind I obviously wouldn’t want to rock the boat or come out or anything. I’m unsure. It’s just over the years I have looked at some women in real life I have met and I suppose I ‘fancied’ them. It was more than just appreciating their beauty and personality. Celebs my top crush is Jodie Comer, above any man. So that’s a bit telling. But I just don’t think I have the gumption to do anything about this. Taking and airing my feelings has helped!

And to some of you mentioned dates yes I think I should do that once lockdown is over. When DD is with her dad one weekend I may set up a date and just see how it feels to be in that context with a woman and go from there. I’m not looking to have a relationship for a long time as I really don’t have much spare time outside of work and DD but the odd date would be nice for me and would perhaps help me figure out my feelings.

And @anotheremma I agree life is short which is what prompted me to write this really.

Go for the women! Live your life! My mum came out and got with a woman after divorcing my dad and I was so happy for her, she seemed like a different person she was so happy. I tell people now and no one even raises an eyebrow, in fact I’m a bit disappointed it’s not really seen as interesting any more! Also Ive worked with lots of kids and you’d be surprised how little that would affect them. To see you happy is worth so much more.

I don't see how you would embarrass your daughter. Just explore discreetly untill you actually have a partner that eventually becomes a fixture in your life. You would do the same if just into men I guess. Yes, there are still homophobic people, who will judge if you end up with a woman, but that is their problem, not yours. You can't let people like that dictate your life.

Same happened to me. Only I was married with 2DC. I remember posting here and feeling mortified.. and the advice I got was to leave my DH and go and explore my gay side. It was truly unimaginable for me back then.
Fast forward 10 months - I came out to my DH (not gonna lie - it was soooo hard) and some friends. We just got divorced and I am about to move out. It has been a truly mental ride. However, I am slowly coming to terms that I am free and I can be what I am - and this feeling is amazing.
I still have not actually got a girlfriend but I am in no rush. I need to be single for a while, focus on me and my DC and who knows - one day I might meet someone.
What I am trying to say is - there are lots and lots of women like you (look up Turning Tavern threads here on MN) and it does feel terrifying at the beginning. But you will learn that no one actually cares and it is only a big deal in your head.

@Bunnymumy, I'm sorry but most of your post is coming across as very homophobic...

Tbh...I've never understood why ppl, if they have the choice (bi) of whom to fancy, would actively pursue the same sex, knowing the extra problems and prejudices that would come with same sex relationships. Seems like extra added hard work to me.

If you said that about someone who was considering dating someone of a different race, you'd be torn to bits and rightly so!

You make it sound like it's ok...you're not fully gay, so you can choose the straight life and have an easy, "normal" life. Awful.

And "nobody needs to know you're bi" Honestly, I think you need to give yourself a shake and listen to what you're saying.

And just for the record, just because you're bi, it doesn't mean you "choose" who you fancy. What a ridiculous thing to say. I can't believe people still say this!

Anyway, back to the OPs original question:

I had only ever been with men and was in a long term relationship with one for almost 8 years. We have a DD together and yes, when I first met my now DW, I was concerned that she would be bullied, but in the 8 years we've been together, that thankfully hasn't happened. She occasionally gets asked what it's like to have 2 step mums (her dad has a gf) but nothing derogatory. If anything, some of her friends think it's cool that her mum has a wife 🤷‍♀️

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't pursue this. You're single, why not? If it's something you've always felt you wanted to explore, that feeling is not going to go away. Don't be scared. It's potentially an exciting time for you.

Please do not do what has been suggested on here and internalise bi phobia.

We have fought for generations for equality, so now is not that time to suppress who you really are. Be proud.

I agree those comments were homophobic. I wanted to challenge them and should have. Glad you have done.

You cant choose who to fancy but you can choose who to date. It isn't homophobic to say that dating someone of the same sex comes with many added trials and tribulations. It's just cold hard fact.

My best mate is gay and he is happy now, but has been through so much shit because of it...I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If he has been bi, he would have had a much easier route alternative.

Being bi isnt a choice - but it gives you a choice.
All I'm saying is, personally, if it were me, I think I'd choose the easy route.

@Bunnymumy, you're completely contradicting yourself....within the same sentence, which is impressive

Being bisexual doesn't mean you choose either or, it simply means that you have the potential to be attracted to either sex.

You can't choose who you fancy or who you fall in love with and that implies to all sexual orientations, including bisexual people.

You really need to educate yourself on this.

Oh and btw, we're not just being greedy either

So what you're saying @Bunnymumy, is, because there is still prejudice, we should ignore and bury our feelings and so, internalise prejudice?...

Sounds like a marvelous recipe for real change and on top of that, great mental health! 👍🤦‍♀️

So prejudice wins!

Sorry, OP. Didn't mean to derail your thread, but it's very hard to let comments like this go.

"risky"

This is so depressing.

Oh and to clarify, the contradiction is, you say you understand it's not a choice, but then say you should choose men.

I'm the same, single mum, definitely bi, would love to be in a relationship with a women but don't know if I'd ever be comfortable enough to come out and be in an open relationship with same sex like that. Women is the best sex I have ever had, have never orgasmed with a guy, one night with a women and I had multiple. But it's hard being out and open about it.

Please don't be ashamed of your feelings and please don't deny them, life is too short.

I recently read Untamed by Glennon Doyle who went from married to a man with children to realising she loved a woman. It had so many great points and I think it would be good for you to read.

Also, you're thinking about your daughter and how she might possibly be embarrassed...but she's more likely to be amazingly proud and in awe of her mum who is living as the person she's meant to be and showing her that no matter what, she must always be herself and live how she truly wants to, not as society may expect her to. What advice would you give her if she came to you saying she thought she wanted to be in a relationship with a woman?

Please don't feel ashamed. Why not just date whoever you meet, male or female and see where it takes you. No need to tell anyone, most wouldn't care anyway, they want you to be happy. You may find that women aren't for you but worth trying - my good friend and I have joked that we wish we were both gay as we would be far better dp's than our menfolk!

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like this OP. It sounds bloody awful. I'm not saying you are in the closet, but I remember no one knowing I was gay and being absolutely TERRIFIED that someone would see me in a gay bar and it would get back to my housemates, and that fear kept me in the closet for a couple of years. The relief when I came out was great, and it's true what a PP says, you suddenly realise a lot of that is what's in your head. People generally, especially now (as opposed to when I first came out) really don't give a shit.
Also to the PP who was talking about how many extra "trials and tribulations" there are in a same sex relationship...I have to say, that hasn't been my experience at all, and I've been in same sex relationships for nearly 20 years.
I haven't had any issues since I can remember - perhaps the odd comment from a drunk bloke in my drinking days, but that's been it.
Also have DC now with DW, and have never had a single problem regarding us as same sex parents, thank goodness. I tend to find people are a bit curious, rather than anything else, and I have to say I honestly sometimes forget we are 2 mums, because no one gives a shit so I forget it might be seen as 'non-traditional' or whatever. Again to echo a PP my DC, although still quite young, have only ever had positive comments re their 2 mums. I work in education and the huge shift in attitudes since I was at school re homosexuality is monumental.
Anyway, my point is, don't worry about your DC in this. Please don't feel shame, your feelings are fine, and it's ok to not know how you feel, or how to put a label on it. You also don't have to tell anyone anything, and there is no rush to tell anyone anything either. Maybe you like women, maybe you don't, but either way it's fine. Please remember that your feelings are nothing to "shrivel" at - you may find that reaching out IRL is helpful, although I appreciate that you may feel dread and horror at the prospect of this - I remember it well. The hardest part for me was being in that closet - being out of it, although I thought would be awful, was actually the easy part. I know you might not be in a closet as such, but just wanted to provide a different perspective.
Soz for giant long post, just feel bad that you feel this way.