Confused about my sexuality

[Intergalactica]

Hi all.
I’ve name changed for this but I’m a frequent user. I can’t believe I’m writing this as I normally never acknowledge the feelings I have but here we go.
I’m a single mum to my DD who is a toddler, I separated from her father because he was emotionally abusive. The relationships I had before I met him were ok but I always felt so unsatisfied, never had good sex really apart from with one partner but he was so immature in a lot of ways. Since being a teen I have always felt a sexual attraction to women but I ignored it and thought that’s never something I could explore (I don’t know why I took this approach). I now think looking back I’ve actually always PREFERRED the idea of a woman over a man, I just went for men because I felt that’s what I should be doing. The idea of a relationship with a woman just seems more attractive in general, they’re more understanding, selfless, caring (the majority of the time) and I just think us women are beautiful in so many ways.
The problem is I feel shame about my feelings. I feel like there’s no way I could ever pursue my feelings towards women because I don’t want to embarrass my DD or have her bullied in school because of my sexuality so I feel like it’s something I will have to continue to hide forever. Also, I haven’t ever been with a woman sexually, so how do I know this is actually how I feel or just something I like the idea of because I’m sick of men?
This is a very rambling post I’m sorry for that, my thoughts have just spilled out but it’s been on my mind and I cannot discuss this with anyone IRL, I would shrivel up at the thought of it and I don’t want to be judged.
Thanks for reading

OP. Female sexuality can be quite fluid (I can’t speal for the male side of things), if you telax it can also be a lot of fun.

Back in my 30s (40s now) l was surprisingly, deliciously and beautifully seduced by another woman while away on a work trip. It was an eye opener for me.

There have been both genders since.

Now, l just see myself as “sexual”, no prefix or formal label. And l can be as discreet or not as l choose to be depending on the situation occasion.

Look up the Kinsey scale (I’m right down the middle), it can be fascinating.

dating someone of the same sex comes with many added trials and tribulations according to bunnymumy

I've been married to a man and had many previous relationships with men but entered into a long term relationship 14 yrs ago and am now married to a woman - it's not without its ups and downs but it's by far the most supportive, loving and emotionally fulfilling relationship I've ever experienced.

Never experienced homophobia - a lot of shock by people who knew me at first but now we are just treated the same as everyone else and have lots of friends - family also fully supportive. Extra kudos when son went to uni - was seen as pretty cool having two mums.

I'm bi and there's a think called 'bi invisibility' where people assume everyone is either gay or straight. Bi is a thing.

I know exactly what you mean about preferring the female body/look, but I've had few relationships with women because it is nerve wracking as it's not what I'm used to.

Someone can never have sex with someone of the same sex and still be gay or bi.

It's about how you feel.

And @StarlightLady is right- some people are attracted to whoever but wouldn't label themselves.

In fact, I try to remember to say I'm 'pansexual' nowadays, as I have no qualms about transwomen either.

In this day and age I like to think your kids wouldn't get bullied much about it, but how much you eventually disclose is up to you.

The more people who are attracted to the same sex come out about it, the more welcoming the world becomes for other people to come out about it.

It sounds like at present (even before lockdown) you don’t have much child-free time, making socialising tricky. Might help for your ex to have your DC a little more, and/or try to arrange childcare, if you can afford it!

With your limited time, what would you like to do? Exercise, hobby, socialising with friends you already know, meeting new people? Or dating? Or a mix!

One (straight) single mum friend whose ex is a loser and had barely any childfree time v much wanted a new relationship, so spent her available time/resources doing online dating. Another in a similar situation did an OU degree, met someone nice through friends and now dates.

If you’re not keen on leaping into dating, but might like to meet a woman, perhaps a low key meetup type thing might suit. A bi friend who’d never dated a woman met some new friends, and her now wife, at a gay women’s meet up, it was a regular, daytime social thing at a coffee shop.

@Bunnymumy

You cant choose who to fancy but you can choose who to date. It isn't homophobic to say that dating someone of the same sex comes with many added trials and tribulations. It's just cold hard fact.

My best mate is gay and he is happy now, but has been through so much shit because of it...I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If he has been bi, he would have had a much easier route alternative.

Being bi isnt a choice - but it gives you a choice.
All I'm saying is, personally, if it were me, I think I'd choose the easy route.

"Been through so much shit because of it"....

More like been through so much shit because of peoples attitudes to 'it' which are what make 'it' hard in the first place, and peoples lives miserable.

This is why gay pride is a thing. So many people still feel shame at attraction to the same sex. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

OP, picture yourself as an 85 year old woman who never explored these feelings and thoughts. You might well regret hiding a whole part of who you are just because of out dated (but sadly still prevelant) attitudes.

Read straight jacket by Matthew Todd, it is a bit more male centered, but the topics discussed also apply to gay and bisexual women.