For those of you not with your children's dads...

[LittleTwiglet]

What made you finally decide to leave? How old were your children? Lastly, how the hell do you do it?

My 3 were under the age of 5. I couldn't stand his bad behaviour and screaming matches one more time. It wasn't easy getting rid of him but it is wonderful without him. Please do it.

I left him when my DC was around 3. I was worried had a good cry didn’t leave straight away we split and lived in the same house. I plucked up the courage and told ex I wanted him out. Due to me having to do everything and he was selfish and didn’t want to pay his way. Also nothing was the same from the moment I gave birth. It’s been hard and it still is to co parent. I’m glad I did it though.

Children were 7 and 2. No abuse or affairs but just very unhappy together. With hindsight he was very depressed and his negative behaviour was impacting all of us. From telling him to selling the house and being able to move out was 18 months, during which I slept on the kids floor. It was really hard, but life since has been so much calmer, we had a good routine and the kids are happy. They saw xh regularly until covid, but he hasn't seen them now for weeks.

A few things made me finally leave.

The fact that my DCs were being modelled a completely platonic relationship as a marriage where they had never even know us to share a bed.
The growing realisation that this is my only life and it's passing me by whilst I'm becoming more and more unhappy.
The fact that the atmosphere at home was awful because exH and I were unhappy and snappy quite often.
The knowledge that I couldn't go through the rest of my life without sex again.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation and she met someone else. She said she saw a chance at happiness and she took it. It resonated with me and I knew then if I had the chance with someone else I knew I'd take it. After always being dead against cheating no matter what I was feeling, I knew that spelled the end.

It took many months after these realisations to actually leave. We had 2 serious conversations where the outcome was fairly obvious (splitting) but as he didn't want to he waited for me to say I was done.

Kids were 8 and 11. Telling them was the worst bit. It was awful and they were so upset. However I could see the effect the unhappy atmosphere was having on them too so I knew it would be better for them. The actual split went on for 6 months in the same house. That was tough. But we are 18 months afterwards and my children are much happier and more chilled. They don't see it but I do. The atmosphere in the house is much better. Ex isn't great at knowing how to deal with DD in particular and he will stand and shout and argue with a child. I used to think I was the shouty uptight parent but I've relaxed a lot and it isn't me half as much as I thought it was.

I think DD will be unscathed by it. It hit DS harder but I can see the difference in him too. I'm not 100% sure he willbe unscathed by it but ultimately it was the right thing to do. I never regretted it for a second.

How I did it was, ex and I had already agreed that he would be the one to move out during one of our conversations. He did and because house had quite a bit of equity due to my inheritence, I bought him out for a very small lump sum and signed away my rights to his pension and any spousal maintenance.

He moved nearby. We drew up an agreement over which days he would have the kids (not 50/50). We agreed maintenance. We agreed the split of assets. I filed as soon as we split. We told the DCs together about 2 weeks later. It was 6 months before he moved out. DCs and I adapted to a new routine and they got used to it very quickly.

Ex and I are amicable thankfully so it was fairly straightforward and there was no abuse etc involved. I just didn't love him anymore. It got unpleasant in the weeks prior to him moving out as I was getting more and more stressed and he was being a bit of an arse. It all settled fairly quickly after he left though.

He left me when I was pregnant and had 3 other children to look after. You do it because there is no choice especially if it’s them that leave you.

I did try to talk to him but the words wouldn’t come out. I walked out and said I was going to get some milk and just left a note on the kitchen table.

I had been unhappy for 10 years. He was a selfish man, and he showed me no love. Marriage to him was a ring and a piece of paper only.

I have/had a flat that I was renting out all in my name, so I asked the tenants to leave and moved into it myself.

And the children were 27 and 20.

I'm a month in my new place. My DP had an affair after 27years together and three D.C. I was fed the script but ultimately I knew I had to leave because he was never going to go. He's highly manipulative, but not as clever as he thinks he is, just a skilled liar. My DD turned 18 on Monday and we had a small party at the family house. I thought it would be best to have it there so she could be with her father. OW showed up. After he said it was over, after telling me he had cut contact. My sons are 15 and 12. I am desperate for them to come and live with me. I am only half a mile away but it feels like a million at times. I will get there though. One day at a time.

Kid is 9 now. I left him 18 months ago. He kicked the dog. To be fair things had been slowly getting worse for years. I worked full time from home and did 90% of everything else as well. He was lazy, depressed and totally unmotivated. He moaned about having to empty the dishwasher after doing the school run in the morning. Literally ALL he had to do all day was that bloody dishwasher. Then we got a dog. We agreed it might help his anxiety. The night before I had a nightmare about having to look after this dog all by myself and I brought it up to him. He promised it would be shared work. We even sat outside before we picked up the puppy with me reminding him how much hard work this would be...
Within 24hrs I had to move my office into the conservatory so I could take the dog out to pee frequently as he refused to do toilet training. Basically he didn’t want to do any of it and moaned about the inconvenience of owning a dog.
Poor dog was the straw that broke my marriage.

As to how I did it... I said “I don’t want to be married to you anymore, you need to leave.” He went off in our caravan for a fortnight whilst I spent a week feeling numb and telling my family it was done. Then we had a brief discussion about what we both wanted... an equal split of the money and equal access to the kid. I went off and got a solicitor and got some paperwork done. I arranged to sell the house. We did a financial order splitting the equity and other monies 50:50. I divorced him on the grounds of him being a lazy twat. He was too lazy to argue.

DD was terribly upset for weeks but we stayed amicable and kept contact relaxed and child led. As time went on she got used to it. I helped him move into his flat and I got a new place. We still have a relaxed and fluid contact arrangement. It’s close to 50:50. We are friendly.

The dog is asleep on the end of my bed. I love him and I’m so glad I got him, even if he did finish off my marriage. He’s 2 now and my best friend!

Should add that DD is now perfectly happy and says she wouldn’t want to go back. We must have been oozing atmosphere. She is more relaxed and confident. Everyone noticed the difference. I have a new boyfriend but no intention of moving in together. I like living with just DD and dog!

He had always been selfish, never at home spanning off to the pub every weekend and during the week, didnt do anything with our son, my dad died suddenly, and a week after he died he was even more horrible than before, so I ended it. Turns out he was having an affair, best decision I've ever made was leaving him, finally feel like I'm not drowning any more. Our son was 6 at the time, didnt effect him as his dad never bothered with him any way.

Mine were 10 & 14. The last straw came when his dad was yelling down the phone 'you need to control your wife' and ex agreed and apologised to his dad.

It had been going bad for a long time though - tbh I think we only got together so I could escape home at 19. Dh was totally controlled by his parents, never stood up to them even when his dad hit our son. Allowed his parents to pretend I didn't exist, they could say anything about me and he would never stick up for me. He wasn't interested in sex - I actually think he might be gay, he hadn't had any relationships before me, has no real interest in women at all

He was also emotionally abusive, told me I was making up serious pnd (despite being under a psychiatrist etc), was financially abusive, I had to borrow money to put diesel in my car despite him just having been paid, found later he'd registered my car in his name - lots of other sly stuff too

I’d been with him since I was 17, had little Self esteem back then so I didn’t realise I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

It was girl after girl with excuse after excuse. Less than a year in to us being together he was messaging a girl next to me in bed, and I was too scared to confront him because he made me feel like I was The one being paranoid. When I got the rise to confront him the next day over text, he ‘broke up’ with me because I was ‘hallucinating’ it all up. He didn’t take me back until I took the blame.

Rinse and repeat, for years and years.

I left him when Dd was 18 months. After a year of trying to leave and his family bribing me to stay. They thought if they bought my food shopping every week it would be enough to stay with their son. They used to tell me it would be a shame to have no more expensive holidays and have a nice life if I left.

I planned to save up and to get a car etc etc. When i finally told him I was leaving, that very same day I found out my brother was in a coma having life saving brain surgery and there was a chance he wouldn’t make it. He came home and said ‘it’s a shame what’s happened to him but I still want you out of the house’.

I had no where to go, so he made me sleep on our couch. That night he went out and slept out all night. Was in a relationship a week later. It turns out it was a girl I questioned him about a year before.

His family pretty much forced me out of the house (his right as they had paid for the deposit). I hotel hopped whilst trying to keep my part time job which was 45 mile away. My dad lend me money for the hotels. I bought a canvas for £8 which said ‘go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you have imagined.’ I finally found a Home. I left with nothing but a baby and a washing machine. I slept on the floor for weeks and my dad pulled his car seats out of his car for somewhere for me to sit on. I had them for months in my living room.

No regrets. It was hard but exhilarating. I have built my life up by scratch and I would have had it any other way because it made me the person I am today.

I made him leave after he threatened to kill me. Called the police on him, they removed him and I didn't let him back. All this after a long history of his alcoholism and associated behaviour. DDs were 15 and 17 at the time.

It was hard for a while, especially financially, but then he died and I inherited everything as we were still married - the decree nisi was actually pronounced 12 days after his official death date.

Even during the time when we were broke, life was infinitely better without him and that hasn't changed. I'm almost 2 years on from his death and I honestly can't see myself ever being in another relationship again, single suits me fine.

7 and 15. I had wanted to leave him for years but this is what age they were when I finally got the courage. Best decision of my life!

My son was 8 when I split with his dad. It had been coming for a long time, I just needed the courage to acknowledge that I couldn't do it anymore. Life was very much about him. Any conversation revolved around him. He was [ and still is ] a very negative person which is very hard to live with. No one else involved. I had just had enough. I got up one morning and just knew we couldn't go on like this anymore. That was it, and he was gone.
Son took it very well. I had always done more for him that his dad anyway. Ten years on son is very happy as am I on my own. Best thing I ever did was doing it on my own.

We just grew apart after 20 years and split 5 years ago when kids were older teens. He's now remarried and we don't communicate unless its an emergency about one of the now adult children. I've been dating someone for 3 years but have no intention of living with him or marrying ever again.

The divorce was as amicable as you could get as we decided everything before going to solicitor and saying make it happen. Managed with one solicitor but I told Ex everything that went on in the meetings - he paid half legal costs - so he could represent himself. We didn't listen to family and friends who were telling each of us to 'take him/her for everything' just behaved like two adults who still held some affection for one another.

The weirdest thing was, we decided to split in April but didn't move out of the marital home until it was sold in July. We were still sharing a bed, having sex (although it was a 'lie back and think of England thing for me) and regular cuddles (which I did enjoy) up until about a week before when I commented on how weird it was. He got out of bed that morning and we didn't cuddle again

It built up over about 3 years but the final straw was when he said "Poor DD, she will be the one at school with the bonkers mum" when i was tearful that after a night when i openned up to him that I had felt suicidal (which i now know was 100% because of how bad the relationship was for me) he decided to go and sleep off a hangover and leave me to get our DD to pre-school and look after our DS, I was sad that he had left me to it, even after me telling him I was struggling with doing everything (he was a lazy man child).

Anyway being called "bonkers" the day after saying I had felt amonst suicidal just flicked a switch in me. The very last embers of love for him went out in that very second.

Kids were 1 & 3. After he said those words to me i emotionally detached and made a plan. I have since found a job, worked out and claimed the Universal credit im entitled to, rented a house and appointed a solicitor to arrange the finacial details of him buying me out the house.

Childcare was fine because it turns out when im not there to do it all, he didnt actually want to have the kids all the time, as he had previously threatened. He has them 40% of the time when home, hes been working away since just before lockdown.

Hardest thing ive ever done, but worth it a million times over

DC was 18 months. EXH was an alcoholic but sober 10 years. He started drinking and using cocaine again when I was 5 months pregnant. I endured two years of emotional and financial abuse, I was a shell when I left, but I did for DS. I moved back in with my mum. I cried a lot, got some counselling through a domestic abuse charity, cried some more. Leaned on friends and family a lot. You’re stronger than you think xx

He left me, over the phone, from another country, where he'd been working for 4 months. I was in utter shock. We were best friends and had been married for 18 years with a long future ahead of us. He swore he never cheated but I don't believe him.
The kids were 8 and 10. He's never lived in the same country as them since and sees them once or twice a year, not at the same time as he can't cope 🙄
It was not too hard at first in terms of parenting solo ... I realised how little he actually did. But the emotional fallout continues to have me on my knees 2 years later, even though I have re-partnered, and I still can't understand why he left. He hasn't seen fit to tell me why.

I dont know how you all do it

I dont know how you all do it

It’s like anything, firstly you just do it because you have no choice! But then it becomes normal, then you start to see the good sides. Then you get new and better opportunities. And then you wonder why it took you so long to make the change!

@LittleTwiglet what are the alternative?

When ex left. He said we were all going to be fine. I told him then. Of course we will what choices do we have?

Just take it as it comes and be kind to yourself.