Is another divorce shameful?

[PloddingAlong123]

Hi there

I was wondering what people's honest opinions are.

I have been married 3 times.

The first I was pretty much a kid, 20. Then I married the father of my two oldest children 5 years after we divorced.

After some time we, too, divorced and I'm now on my third marriage which has has lasted 10 years to date

Here's my question. If a third divorce were to happen, would I be judged?

Perhaps difficult to say without knowing the reasons for each. But in theory, without that knowledge, what are your opinions?

Ty.

OP, I get this. I've been married three times too! I'm the butt of family jokes as well ("she just loves wedding cake") etc. No one in my family has got divorced so I really do stick out like a sore thumb. I got married far too young at 21 and it lasted 5 years. I then married again in my early thirties to a man who constantly put me down, humiliated me in front of friends and was just generally horrible, so I walked out. I then met most recent exH whom I loved and thought I would be with forever (we had DS5 together) but he went off with a woman at work and it was a huge shock. I always feel a bit nervous about telling a new partner about my marriages (and when to as I'd rather not talk about them tbh) but they never seem bothered by it; I mean I'm nearly 50, most people have had a past by then.

I would admire you for knowing when to get out. Wouldn't judge you negatively at all.

I think I appreciate that it would make people stop in their tracks a little. I mean, whilst it isn't unusual I do get that it's not exactly the norm.

I would say it's my eternal optimism. I always trust that people are who they say they are, probably to my detriment.

And I also really believe in love. And I still believe in marriage, although I very much doubt there would be a 4th for me. I don't know why, I just have that feeling.

I also get the "she must love wedding cake" or when I ever mention marriage I get "well you have a lot of experience in that area". Used to really p me off until I realised that those two things are true, but few know the reasons for ending the marriages so perhaps it's easier to joke!

I certainly didn't expect a 4th!! Or another dc too at 43!!
Life is strange op..
Don't deny yourself a final shot at it if the opportunity arises op!!

Why would a new friend even know?

Not shameful but TBH, if I met a man who had been divorced 3 times then I would be wary of him.

How old are you? I wouldn't judge as divorced but would perhaps judge if there was little overlap between marriages/divorces.

I know someone who has literally never been single and onto the 3rd marriage at 42. Each marriage was within 2 years of divorce and as there are children from each marriage it feels as if she drags them through her relationships. The reality is she can't be alone and afraid to be single which I do judge her for as she is a grown up.

I don't specifically think divorce is that different to splitting up after a longterm cohabiting relationship as the impact is often the same.

Can you look back and see why the marriages fail? Do you take some responsibility?

I guess a new friend would only knew what I chose to say. And, not that I would give anyone my life history upon meeting, I wouldn't necessarily hide my previous marriages.

I would take a lot of responsibility! I am in my 40s myself and I realise that a lot of it has been that in the past I haven't been able to be alone. I obviously need to work on that. I know that nowadays I definitely could be single.

So yes, I can certainly hold my hands up about the part I played in it all too.

I'm just going through divorce number 2 and feel a great sense of shame about it so it is great reading these replies. I can't explain why it bothers me so much, and I'd certainly never judge anyone else, but I cant help but feel everyone is looking at me thinking what is wrong with her?!

Some people will judge.

That should not prevent you from leaving an unhappy marriage.

Remember to mind your own beeswax.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

I wouldn't judge you, but if you went for number 4 I probably wouldn't buy you a wedding present...

My witness at wedding 3 got her money's worth out of her outfit when she stood in again for number 4!!
I have joked to dh I have kept my bag and matching shoes...
Just in case!!

And I hate fruit cake!!

It depends really on the circumstances of the divorces?

If there was no adultery or abuse id perhaps think that you might be the type person to jump into relationships and marriage which weren't strong enough or that you are a bit flighty and gave up too easily? 5 years and 10 years isn't that long a time to be married someone. I'd wonder if you were looking for someone/something that doesn't exist - that soul mate all encompassing kind of love that people write books about.

I'd definitely judge if the husbands were rich and you got significant financial divorce settlements 🤣

Kudos to you for being able to get a man to marry you 3 times!!!!! Haven't even had one marriage!! Well done you! Its up to you how you go about telling anyone your past. However, when my closest friend ( a guy) told me he wanted to marry a woman who had been divorced 3 times my eyebrows were raised quite considerably as were his other friends. Unfortunately this woman married my friend (her 4th husband) and took him for everything 1 year and 3 months later. She is now on to her 5th husband. I am sure you are not like this at all but if you are unhappy in your present marriage, get out. It might be a good idea to spend time alone for a few years and figure out stuff without a wedding ring on your finger. It will be the best for you and for any future husbands!

My MIL has been married 3 times. I don't judge her at all for not staying in an unhappy relationship, but I do wonder why she keeps getting married again.

What do you mean by judge? Being honest, I would wonder a few different things internally, but I'm not sure I'd call it judging. I love to know what makes people tick so if I met you and found out you had been divorced 3 times I would be interested in the reasons why (but would never ask as that's rude and nosey, obviously). The main thing I would inwardly wonder would be if the reason for each divorce was the same i.e. if you had a habit of picking men who aren't right for you, or if you rushed too quickly into each marriage. OR, if it was a different reason each time. I guess it might run through my mind that you might be someone who prefers to have a partner who may not be totally perfect for them, rather than be on their own and happy to live a single life.

I would probably come to the conclusion that ultimately marriage isn't for you, and that's fine. It's not for everyone, I guess. But would think no more of that until you told me you were getting married a 4th time. THEN I would judge, I would have to be honest. I would wonder why you were bothering at this stage, as surely in terms of your will, it would just complicate matters even further.

I'm guessing you're wondering if people would judge you in some horrible way like "She can't keep a man" or "She must be a nightmare to live with". I guess a nasty minority may think that way. But most people have a brain and realise that there is probably a lot more to it.

I stopped after the second. Realised that maybe I just wasn’t cut out for marriage

My brother has been divorced three times.

I don’t judge him.

I do wonder why people keep marrying him, though. He’s obviously not very good at it.

It's a tough one, as id like to say I wouldn't judge you. However if it was a person I was interested in, it would definitely give me a lot of questions, and possibly put me off a long term relationship with them due to them having 3 marriages that didn't work.
You have to what's right for you though, and not worry about what anybody else think.

Did anyone else think of Ross Geller? 🤣

I commend your courage and trusting nature, I have rejected 2 proposals because I find the possibility of going through another separation of assets/residence battles absolutely terrifying.

But, I guess the main thing we learn through divorce is that you can break away from relationships that make you miserable. So don’t waste that learning staying Now as if this was your first marriage, you know already that your happiness trumps what people may think.

Having said that, take some time to reflect on why 3 serious relationships have failed. Is it you? Are you choosing the wrong partner, are you doing things that are not conductive to happy relationships? Was this salvageable?

@wemarchon

I didn't want to be the first to say it, but yes 😂😂

My first, I was too young to know what was right for me or not. My second, was the complete opposite to the first so in my mind (at the time) that meant he was 'right'. Nope. We were fundamentally two different people and actually, I did my growing up towards the end of that marriage. I recognised he was wrong for me, eventually stood up for myself and I walked away. My third, however, complete different story. We met when I was 36, married at 41 and I loved him so much. I thought we would be together forever. But when our son was one, he left for a woman at work. I dont think I'm the common denominator; just bloody unlucky.

Thanks again for all your replies. Lots to think on.

Yes, I will be changing my name to Ross Geller if this should happen again. Might actually mean people will guess my backstory so I don't have to explain!

A mixture of bad luck, being to keen to see people for what they say they are (because that's how I'd like to be seen), over optimism, wanting to show myself I'd eventually "got it right" and many more reasons. Weirdly enough I always thought i was very good at marriage but perhaps it's something i really don't need.