Disliked by my entire school year - legacy impact

[happybunny03]

I had a difficult time growing up: my home life was dysfunctional - my parents were depressed and had personality disorders. The house we lived in was a mess and my brother and I were mostly neglected, emotionally abused by our mother and I was physically abused by my father. Consequently I was left with no confidence and self esteem. I also felt very different to other children my own age. It really badly effected my academic performance at school and how I generally behaved & came across. I was also covered in eczema and looked terrible which didn’t help.
The 1 or 2 friendships I had at school were toxic and one of the girls was completely emotionally manipulative.
On top of everything, I developed a reputation for not ‘being nice’ by saying the wrong things or behaving a bit weirdly - this was due to a complete lack of social skills. Everyone tried to avoid me so I was isolated, I was also mocked behind my back (or sometimes directly to my face) and bullied. People (teachers and peers) also thought I was a bit thick.

Things changed for me after I left school. I ended up looking very attractive (according to other people), established a successful career, became
very well presented, developed social skills and got married to a lovely man. However I am not in touch with anyone I went to school with. When I have bumped into people I went to school with I have either been blanked, treated with hostility or laughed at (literally). On social media, no one from back then wants to have anything to do with me (even if I have reached out). It’s so depressing and I feel like a large section of my life is void .

What makes it a bit worse is that I made a group of friends outside of school and 10 years ago I had a fling with an ex-boyfriend of one of the girls in the group (she was 16-18 when she went out with him and we were in our late 20s when I had the fling). She obviously felt very betrayed (I didn’t mention it when I once met up with her - partly because it was literally just sex and also I knew she still had feelings for him even though she is married), however she convinced everyone that I am a bitch and they don’t want anything to do with me either. It’s just horrible knowing how hated I am by everyone and it’s really affecting my mental health.

I have moved to a different city since but feel like I carry this stigma around with me...
I know this is a personal story but has anyone been in a similar-ish situation where (swathes of) people have a negative opinion of you based on how you behaved and looked as a child/teenager.
Would be keen to hear your thoughts as it’s really getting me down - I was a vulnerable child when things started to go downhill and I’m now carrying this burden around with me. Thank you

I didn't want to read and run.
I am so sorry you had such a tough upbringing. You were young and struggling; no wonder you found relationships difficult to form. You have your reasons and that's understandable.
Don't worry about the people from school, you aren't going to go back there and you've moved on. You sound like you're much happier now so focus on your future and what is within your control. You can't control what others think about you- but it's pretty unlikely they think about you that kick as you've moved away. Time will pass, people move on, schooldays fade. Don't worry about it

happybunny03 I have recently had a school reunion and although I thought I only had happy memories from my school days all my own insecurities came flooding back, everyone reminisced about the chatty clown I was then rather than being interested in the adult I am now.... BUT, I'm absolutely nothing like that nowadays I also had a toxic childhood and I just kept telling myself that I have been an adult for 6x longer than the 5 years I was at high school and I've used that time well, educated myself, emotionally grown, learned from my mistakes and tried as best as I could to be a good person. Please don't resent the person you were then you had to go through that stage to become the fabulous person you are now.

Sorry you went through a rough time, I think if you reach out and they ignore you then it shows that they are unkind not to at least acknowledge you and be polite.
People grow into adults for better or worse and no longer who they used to be. I think just leave your school days as a past memory.

You did well to overcome it and make friends in life after school.

I think you care too much about what people think.

The reason our eyes are at the front of our faces, looking forward, is because we should do that - look forwards, not back.

School and childhood is in the past. Safely.

Why are you looking at people who isolated and bullied you for validation OP? They've shown you who they are. Not one of them has reached out and apologised for their behaviour, for which there was no excuse.

You need to let it go and move on. See them for who they are. Perhaps they blanked you because they were embarrassed at how they treated you. Imagine a grown woman laughing at someone in the street simply because they were a bit 'strange' due to neglect and abuse. What does that say about them? Do you think she is kind, considerate, a good friend? Do you think that her approval is going to make up for what happened?

Exactly what Wheresthebiffe2r said. leave the past in the past.

I'm not sure what you think is missing? Are you still hoping to win their approval years on? I can't say that I have anything in common or much interest in ex-schoolmates, especially those I had negative relationships with, so I find it hard to understand.

Have you now got a social circle of your own or is that a struggle?

Op why do you even give two shiny shits what anyone you went to school with thinks? Why don’t you blank them when you’ve seen them?? Most people hated secondary school, it’s shit, you move on and become a better person for it. Personally I’d avoid anyone from school who reached out on social media. They’re not friends otherwise you’d still have contact. They’re just a bunch of twats you had to put up with for a few years. Your adult life sounds so much better. Enjoy it, stop looking back

I had a very similar childhood OP. I know it does affect me still, though most people would think me successful. I accept that I was damaged by it but hold the knowledge that I am trying every day to be the best person I can be. Understand too, that most people are wounded in one way or another.

Every credit to you for doing brilliantly after having such an adverse childhood experience. Don’t even give a moment of thoughts to what old school pupils think. Live your life and be proud of yourself. 💐

OP, this sounds like it was written by me - I cannot believe the similarities. Only yesterday was I expressing to my DH how I felt like I was haunted by my past (my past being pretty much exactly like yours - especially regarding unstable parents, lack of social skills from that, and being disliked aplenty at school).

It is incredibly difficult for my to live my life to the fullest as I feel so bogged down, ashamed, and angry about my past, even though I also live in a new city, and have forged a successful life for myself.

If you haven’t already - I would suggest counselling. I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder myself, and attended a few lacklustre counselling sessions, but it hasn’t been enough. Once lockdown has eased, i’m going to ensure I seek some decent, private therapy (don’t want to hang around on waiting lists) and attempt to finally put it behind me. Best wishes to you too

I am sorry these things happened to you when you were younger and you are going through this now and you feel this way.
I would say everyone of us is affected by what happened or didn’t happen as children. I bet everyone has several stories to tell. I know a lot of decisions I make or behaviours I have as a parent are motivated by trying to avoid my children feeling the way I felt as a child.
BUT, can I please encourage you to think about this perspective. I don’t know a lot of people who have lots of contact with their high school friends let alone ‘enemies’. I don’t think most people spend a lot of their adult life thinking about their high school experiences in their 20s. I certainly never ask other adults to discuss their high school reputations and no one asks me to discuss mine.
I suspect that understandably you maybe felt that no-one liked you and intellectually you have your reasons why - and maybe they didn’t like you ...but who cares!!! If they judged you so harshly they don’t sound like nice people or people you would want in your life so it’s great they are not!!
Forget the past - focus on the here and now and your potential future and most importantly your happiness. Please stop trying to recorrect your past with these horrible people - life is too short!! You have come so far and quite rightly should be proud of yourself - please leave these experiences in the past. Someone once said to me - people can only make you feel a certain way if you let them.

Seriously, there is absolutely no point worrying about what people who were thrown together with you as children think about you. There is no inherent reason why they should be friends with you now or vice versa, and after all we're all gits to varying degrees as teenagers.

The friends I have kept in touch with are universally those that I made at university and subsequently. I did once go to a reunion with school contemporaries and it was all pleasant enough, but I came away realising I had little in common with any of them, I found most of them fairly dull and I definitely didn't care if I never saw the ones who used to bully me ever again. I strongly suspect that many of them thought I'd end up a loner, but in practice I have married very happily, have a fulfilling career and a great circle of real friends. On that basis, I really don't give a fig what my school contemporaries think.

OP, I suggest you reflect on the fact that living well really is the best revenge, and put all this behind you.

Some great advice on here.

OP, childhood can be very difficult if you are perceived as an outsider. In not wanting to be picked on children will ignore or not want to be associated with the o e that us being picked on. Its cruel, but it happens.

It sounds like you have worked hard to build a happy and successful life for yourself. That is your victory.

Look forward but if these feelings persist definitely get some therapy to work through it. Dont let your past impact negatively on the lovely life you have created.

The group of friends you speak of sound utterly juvenile and pathetic.

It effected me for decades- I recently had EMDR therapy for the bullying, then rejection by groups and individuals in later life etc. It helps takes the sting out of the memories and lessen the effect. I'd recommend.

I only have any contact at all with three people I went to school with - and of those I haven't seen two in about 20 years. I actually can't remember most of the people I went to school with. I also had a bit of bullying, though not of the kind you describe, which sounds like the kind that usually only one boy or girl in each year group has, is that right?

I continued to get bullying after school as I was extremely shy (today it would be called social anxiety) - in some situations I was unable to talk at all, and people would laugh at me, call me names or talk about me as if I wasn't there, until I left uni basically.

Like you I've grown out of it. Didn't get any prettier, though but developed some social skills, got a decent job.

I can't say I feel like I have a gap in my life. That was my life, and it's left me quite compassionate towards children and young people, aware of the anxieties people might have and keen to help people feel more comfortable in social situations now I'm better at it myself. Doesn't seem a bad thing. Maybe you could work out some of the ways your past has affected you in a positive sense?

Otherwise, if you haven't had any yet, I'd recommend talking therapy, as I had that after my marriage broke up, and it actually helped me a lot with other aspects of my past that were still bothering me.

I think it also helped when I had children of my own, and I realised the extent to which I'd been left to my own devices growing up, and what a difference it would have made to have more support. I wasn't stupid; I was a child. I also stopped seeing the people who bullied me in school or at uni as plain nasty, and started to realise that they were also just clueless, vulnerable children with their own issues. And many of them simply badly educated, and brought up by badly educated parents. I'm sure many of them have overcome those difficulties, the same I as did mine, but others won't have been as lucky.

I think you need to update your life story a little based on your knowledge as an adult.

I developed a reputation for not ‘being nice’ by saying the wrong things or behaving a bit weirdly - this was due to a complete lack of social skills

It's only at 41 that I discovered I had ADHD with autistic traits. It might help you to think of it this way, as it helps you forgive yourself, as you can say that you have a condition so you don't start on a level playing field to others, you can only try your best and forgive yourself if you cock up etc.

We also can learn a bit about social skills etc with age- it just takes us longer than other people.

If this idea resonates with you, you could speak to your GP to get referred for an assessment for ASD or something, or see a private consultant.

It's obviously affected you really badly OP. But I think you could try and reframe it the way other pp suggest.

I got on pretty well at school, I wasn't 'popular' but I had some good friends. 20 years later i'm in touch with one person I went to school with, the rest of them are totally irrelevant to my life and I barely give them a thought. If I passed then in the street I'm not sure I'd recognise any of them.

I think for some reason you're still stuck in the frame of mind you were when you were younger when it comes to these people. I don't know if some therapy could help you unlock it and move on? You sound like a successful person who is dragging around the weight of their childhood.

I think we imagine that 99% of other people have "proper" lives living with their family, all having dinner together, growing up in a lovely healthy environment. But surely that's the lucky few? I know so many people who talk now about their parents breaking up, or being alcoholics, or having grown up in care, or in poverty, or one parent dying young; people who had a lisp, hid their sexuality, were disabled or ill, or weren't able to study what they wanted. I can hardly think of anyone who went through childhood totally unscathed - and even if there wasn't any huge event, when you get to know them better you realise that their parents put too much pressure on them, or they wanted to do a sport and weren't good enough, or something.

I was very badly bullied at secondary school, back in the day when bullying was not taken seriously, because we moved to a really rough area. My parents were lovely, I got bullied because I spoke nicely, was studious, wore glasses not sporty etc. Kids single out others who are different from the “normal” of what they know. I still live locally but never see these kids as grown ups, I would never go to a school reunion because why would I rehash something that made me unhappy. I have a lovely life with my DH, grown up kids and my grandchildren and friends I made as an adult. Being bullied has made me choose the career I have and the volunteering I do, so I consider that a positive outcome. Occasionally, being local, I do hear what has happened to the kids who bullied me, as adults life has not generally been kind to them. I just feel for their children, otherwise I don’t give my bullies a second thought.
Live your best life OP don’t dwell on the past.

I had a dysfunctional childhood and experienced some bullying at secondary school. I’m nearly 50 now.

I completely understand the need for validation, to try and make good the past somehow. But now my main regret in life is not having severed toxic old friendships sooner. I hung on to them in the hope of making it all ok, redeeming the past.

If the friendships were toxic you need to let them go now. Move forward knowing what healthy social relationships look like and be vigilant about falling into old patterns.

I have only 1 friend left from school days and she’s lovely. There’s no-one judging that.

I don't go to the reunions and the attendance rate is about 25% of the total class - so LOTS of people have moved on and have no interest in looking back and reliving school days when people were young, stupid and mean.

My grandparents told me to just wait until later. They said, when you are older and they have to combine class reunions because so many people have died - no one can remember anything that happened back 50-70 years ago. Everyone is just grateful to still be alive.