Do I tell my husband?

[Vitton01]

I am completely stuck on a complicated issue and don't know what the right thing to do is, so I'd appreciate some advice please.

Bit of back story-
My husband has a best friend, they've been friends since they were 8. I have been with my husband for 12 years (married for 1) and we were all best friends in school. The three of us are very close, the best friend got married 3 years ago and now has a 2 year old child. I am also now best friends with his wife and have been for the 8 years they've been together. The four of us do a lot together.

I chat to my husbands best friend a lot, we work in the same building but in different departments. We use the same messaging system in work so we will send each other IMs throughout the day and our group whatsapp chat (with our partners) is very active daily.

Not long before lockdown, my husbands best friend asked to go for a walk on our lunch break which we never do unless there's a reason. He dropped the bomb-shell that he has been in love with me since school and it's got stronger since I started working in his building (I started a year ago). He said he never wanted to tell me but he needs to cut contact with me completely except for being civil in the group chat and when we all see each other. He said it's only fair on his wife who he respects and loves, and also my husband and his best friend. He's asked me not to mention it to my husband and he has since blocked me off the works messaging system.

I was completely blind-sided and never saw this coming. He's only ever acted like a normal close friend, we get along great and have the same sense of humour but there has never been any flirtation there. I have absolutely 0 feelings for him in that way.

I'm actually quite upset about it all, I've lost a friend and now I also feel like I'm hiding something from my husband and being disloyal. I'm also hiding this from my best friend who doesn't know how her own husband feels. I really don't want to cause a huge drama and cause tension between two friends who are like brothers.

My husband has noticed that he's been distant towards me and has asked if I know why, which means I've had to lie to him. I'm dreading lockdown being over and the first occasion where we're all together which will be as soon as we're allowed.

I'd love to hear what others would personally do in my situation, I can't talk to anyone about it.

You have created a bigger problem by lying to your husband. You did nothing wrong until then.

You really should tell him. He's noticing already. You can't hide it.

Your loyalties are with your dh, tell him what happened.

How awful of him to drop that on you, maybe he was fishing for an affair and closed you off knowing he wouldn't get it.
I don't think you'll both be able to act normal around your DH after this, best to tell the truth.

He's put you in a really difficult position...very unfair of him.

If you tell your DH, I suspect there's a chance the friendship could be over between them.

I wouldn't want to be the wife who he married while still in love with you.

I'm trying to think what I'd do if it was me.... and also if a friend told my DH she was in love with him...would I want to know? Yes I would....but it would absolutely change my friendship with her. I'm not sure I'd want her around anymore.

If I found later my DH didn't tell me...I would be upset.

How do you think your DH would react?

Thank you all :) I think I do need to tell him, the whole awkwardness of how it could unfold just makes me cringe.

I also agree he’s put me in a horrible position and I’m so annoyed at his selfish-ness.

I think my husband would react in a way that would require minimum drama but I know he would want a chat with his best friend (understandably) I’m just unsure how it would affect their friendship and the groups dynamic. I’d be devastated if the four of us could no longer do things together.

Did this man ask that you not tell you husband? if not, I presume he just assumed you wouldn't. Very unfair on you. Why on earth has he decided to tell you now? And he was in love with your (he says) when he married his wife; how lovely. He sounds like a delightful character.

This shouldn't be a burden for you, you've done nothing wrong. Tell your husband if you can. It's not going to get any better. When lockdown ends his wife will also be noticing that something has changed.

This guy wanted you to deceive your husband. You should not do that.
Tell your husband now and stop obeying the other guy.

I can't believe that you think the four of you can carry on as usual! This can't possibly happen. Grieve this, tell your husband and block them both.

To be honest, I don’t even believe he’s in love with me. I think he’s just freaked out that he has feelings for me and doesn’t want them to escalate so he’s cut contact.

I’m going to tell him today. Hearing that other people think I should has given me the nudge.

What a bloody mess.

You shouldn’t be lying to your husband, and he shouldn’t be asking you to.

Gosh OP, hope the conversation goes well. Do fine bank and tell us how you got on. Good luck.

Thank you :) I will.

I think the worst part is this will also completely be out of the blue for my husband like it was for me. There have been absolutely no signs this was coming!

I'd message the friend and tell him that you don't like the lying and don't want a part of it and that you're going to tell your husband who has noticed a change anyway.

Tell the friend that you can never see him as anything other than a friend and that not having any contact with him is the best way forward .

Then tell your husband.

Thank you all smile I think I do need to tell him, the whole awkwardness of how it could unfold just makes me cringe

That's not your problem.

It doesn't sound as if your husband will kick off, I couldn't hide something like that from mine. Its not fair. He's the one who set this ball rolling by having the conversation with you in the first place. What on earth was he wanting out of it?!

He's been really selfish. He ought to have just kept quiet and not gone out of his way to speak to you at work etc - basically just backed off a bit.
Instead, he's dumped all his shit on you and made this your problem. Worse, he's made you collide to lie to your husband.
I don't think your friendships can survive this. No wife is going to be happy with her husband having a crush on her friend and your husband isn't going to be comfortable with it either - it will be the only thing any of you think about when together.
Tell your husband asap, before he starts putting 2+2 together and getting 5.

I think you need to be completely open and honest with your dh. Your loyalty lies with your dh.

Tell your husband ASAP
Before it comes out later ,and your dh thinks you have something to hide

I would leave well alone. You are going to destroy your best friends life, your husbands relationship with his friend too. This man has told you something & has cut contact. Move on.

What will you gain from telling people? Nothings has happened.

Something seems off.

Its very out of the blue and a complete over-reaction.

The fact that he’s blocked you from the work messaging system would make me think there’s something going on that he doesn't want you to see.

I would have told my husband straight away. You have no loyalty to the other man but your husband had a right to know straight away.
My partner just said he would feel suspicious and disrespected if did not tell him straight away.

How dare he expect you to keep it quiet when he did not!

For all you know, he has already confided to some drinking mate who advised him "tell her and see how she reacts". It was horribly manipulative to demand you keep it secret when you have no guarantee he won't confess it to someone else , like his wife.

Or what happens if next month he comes whining back to you "It's no good, I tried but I can't live without you... " and it all gets a whole lot messier.

Imagine how DH would feel if he found out from someone else and you had kept it secret from him.

Tell DH asap.

Accept your group dynamic is fucked and tell DH everything.

I assume everything was above board for you so you’ll get through this together with honesty.

You need to tell your husband immediately. He doesn’t deserve to be lied to. Be prepared for the friend to turn the tables on you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does this.

Thanks for all of the replies!

I’ve told him. I really should have told him sooner but I’m lucky he was understanding of why I hadn’t. He is going to mention it to him but in person when he’s able to rather than via text.
He doesn’t believe his friend is in love with me, he apparently told my husband on a night out that him and his wife are having a few problems so it seems more of a case of his friend being confused and finding comfort in me.

He doesn’t think his friend would ever act on it and he’s not even mad that his friend feels this way. He’s furious that he’s told me on the sly though.

I feel more relief than awkwardness at the moment. It’s not my problem now and I’m staying well out of it.