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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I tell my husband?

45 replies

Vitton01 · 07/06/2020 13:36

I am completely stuck on a complicated issue and don't know what the right thing to do is, so I'd appreciate some advice please.

Bit of back story-
My husband has a best friend, they've been friends since they were 8. I have been with my husband for 12 years (married for 1) and we were all best friends in school. The three of us are very close, the best friend got married 3 years ago and now has a 2 year old child. I am also now best friends with his wife and have been for the 8 years they've been together. The four of us do a lot together.

I chat to my husbands best friend a lot, we work in the same building but in different departments. We use the same messaging system in work so we will send each other IMs throughout the day and our group whatsapp chat (with our partners) is very active daily.

Not long before lockdown, my husbands best friend asked to go for a walk on our lunch break which we never do unless there's a reason. He dropped the bomb-shell that he has been in love with me since school and it's got stronger since I started working in his building (I started a year ago). He said he never wanted to tell me but he needs to cut contact with me completely except for being civil in the group chat and when we all see each other. He said it's only fair on his wife who he respects and loves, and also my husband and his best friend. He's asked me not to mention it to my husband and he has since blocked me off the works messaging system.

I was completely blind-sided and never saw this coming. He's only ever acted like a normal close friend, we get along great and have the same sense of humour but there has never been any flirtation there. I have absolutely 0 feelings for him in that way.

I'm actually quite upset about it all, I've lost a friend and now I also feel like I'm hiding something from my husband and being disloyal. I'm also hiding this from my best friend who doesn't know how her own husband feels. I really don't want to cause a huge drama and cause tension between two friends who are like brothers.

My husband has noticed that he's been distant towards me and has asked if I know why, which means I've had to lie to him. I'm dreading lockdown being over and the first occasion where we're all together which will be as soon as we're allowed.

I'd love to hear what others would personally do in my situation, I can't talk to anyone about it.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/06/2020 15:35

How dare he expect you to keep it quiet when he did not!

A reasonable question
The obvious thing to do would have been to distance himself gently and deal with his feelings himself, but for whatever reason he's dumped them all over OP instead
Not really the way I'd expect a true friend to behave, TBH

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/06/2020 15:37

I see I cross posted with you, OP
Without doubt you've done the right thing and FWIW both you and your DH sound like very decent people

SenselessUbiquity · 07/06/2020 16:11

What do you mean, blocked you from the work messaging system? Does this not impact your work? (or - only he can't now see your posts? which surely impacts your work a bit?)

ok, this is his problem not yours and everything you do from now on has to be with the aim that he doesn't somehow make it your problem, which he is kind of doing, so stop that.

1 - your husband. tell him. Lies are toxic. don't let poison into your relationship.

2 - work. protect yourself here. not sure how as I don't know the situation.

3 - he should never have told you. he's put you in a tricky situation that is not yours to deal with. Be upfront in your mind and heart about this, that is, don't think of him as a nice guy any more. he isn't. He married someone while in love with someone else OR he is a dishonest drama llama AND he is now meddling with somoene else's heart and marriage (yours). I bet he was hoping for an affair or at least an EA - melting looks, lingering fingers on the salad servers, bollocks like that. harden your heart towards him. he's not your friend, or your DHs friend, or even a decent friend to his own wife.

billy1966 · 07/06/2020 19:56

He sounds both juvenile and extremely selfish.

He can hardly value his friendship with your hus and pulling a stunt like that.

I am glad you have told your husband, absolutely your loyalty is to him.

I think things are going to be very awkward but he caused it.

I wouldn't be socialising with him any time soon.

I also wouldn't be lying to his wife.

He has caused this drama, up to him to fix it.

Wide berth comes to mind.

No doubt he will regret his need to confess

isthismylifenow · 07/06/2020 20:03

I don't get why he told you. Unless he was hoping for a different reaction, ie that you would reply the same.

Surely he realizes that this is going to cause horrid issues for the friendships going forward. It's all a bit odd.

Emotionalfuckwit · 07/06/2020 20:33

I had something slightly similar in that my husbands best friend told him he was in love with me. I'm not sure what response he expected. DH just said I don't blame you I'm pretty fond of her myself. He came home and told me straight away and I dismissed it as him seeing us together as newlyweds, living a settled and happy life and wanted that. He simply confused his desire for a settled and loving relationship with me. We got over it and I'm now good friends with his long term partner he met just 6 months later.

PicsInRed · 07/06/2020 21:19

He told you, playing the repentant family dude, and blocked you hoping you would miss him. All that guff about his wife? Bollocks, when he spilled his feelings at you. What if you'd reciprocated? As if he'd have said no. Total bastard. Watch now that he doesn't try to break you and your husband up. I would be quite wary of him. He's sly.

Iggypoppie · 07/06/2020 21:24

Your DH sounds like he's had a great reaction, what a relief. Maybe a friendship is salvageable, given time. Good for you for being brave to speak up.

londongirl12 · 07/06/2020 21:32

Your husband sounds a great guy. Not many men would react like that

myhandsareverycold · 07/06/2020 22:12

So pleased you told your husband and his reaction was so positive. Do you feel better now it's out in the open?

Auty123 · 07/06/2020 22:30

You are best friends with his wife. I'd tell my husband but I'd also tell your friend,his wife. She is likely to feel very hurt and upset and may blame you if her husband confesses or hears it from someone else
If I were her I'd want to know

Hopeisnotastrategy · 08/06/2020 05:19

Just a thought, but could this be a bit of Covid weirdness, together with the problems with his wife? I honestly think everybody is being affected to some degree, even if we don’t always recognise it. These are strange times.

Both you and your husband sound very decent people.

SpiderStan · 08/06/2020 13:31

Your husbands friend has put you in such a difficult situation. But you do need to tell him. It's tricky, but you have far more loyalty to your DH than you do to his friend.

Ask yourself; Would you want your husband to tell you if it were the other way around, and the friends wife confessed the same to your husband but told him to keep it a secret from you?

EmeliaLily · 08/06/2020 13:33

woaaah tricky predicament
Something similar happened to me once upon a time, but i think it was a phase from a prev bfs best friend. but for this to come out after so long..hmmm

SpiderStan · 08/06/2020 13:33

Sorry, just realised you have told your husband already. Well done, I'm so glad you feel relief. Whatever happens now is not your fault. You did the right thing.

EmeliaLily · 08/06/2020 13:34

You know, it does sound like it's because of his own marital problems, shame to loose a friend this way though. Hope he realises and this can be put to bed in the future

Faith50 · 08/06/2020 13:39

I am glad you informed your dh. In a situation like this, you may decide to distance yourself from this couple. I cannot see how you can continue to be friends - the wife will be tremendously hurt if she discovers and you and dh will always feel awkward around them.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/06/2020 13:41

I'm glad you've got it off your chest.

It's good he's taken it so well & is going to talk to his mate. What's going to happen about his wife though and do you really think they're having issues? Or is that just an excuse for him to tell you how he feels? She's your bf, but hasn't mentioned any problems to you? Does she even know he thinks they have problems?!

Gobbycop · 08/06/2020 14:08

Your husband seems a good guy and friend to this other dickhead.

What kind of move was that, chucking the hand grenade and seeing what happens in the fallout or something?

He should have kept his mouth shut.

Yeahnahmum · 08/06/2020 15:05

You should have told him sooner. You made it like you valued your friendship with your male friend more then your own marriage.

But good that you finally came clear

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