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Original poster

I’m not the best

50 replies

Cloudyday123 · 07/06/2020 11:56

Had a heart to heart with dp last night as I’ve been feeling a bit insecure over a few things lately.
I got cheated on by ex so have a few hang ups.
Dp reassured me I’m totally “the one”, can’t imagine life without me etc but I can’t get over the fact that I’m not the best sex he’s ever had. When we first got together he said I was “in the top 10” Sad
He says I’m enough for him but I don’t want to be enough, I want to be the best!
I can’t understand why he just won’t tell me I am, I would never know it wasn’t true and it would keep me happy!
I just feel so crap about myself now I don’t want to have sex at all!
Please talk sense into me Smile

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 07/06/2020 12:05

Did you ask him the question?

MorningNinja · 07/06/2020 12:11

"In the top 10" Hmm

I'm surprised you've stuck around OP.

I couldn't get over that one.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 07/06/2020 12:16

Em... I don't know what to say to this one .... Even just saying that you were the best because you were "the one" would have been much better . Top ten? How many women has he slept with.... How did this conversation come about? Is this an anomaly or does he make you feel "less than" in other ways ?

Original poster
Cloudyday123 · 07/06/2020 12:24

He did later apologise for the top 10 answer but he still said it.

I haven’t actually asked him the direct question, last night I said something like “taking time out for myself isn’t going to stop me thinking you’ve had better sex with other people”. He just agreed with me.

He says he’s had about 30-40 in the past, I’ve had 2 Blush

OP posts:
roarfeckingroar · 07/06/2020 12:27

Was he being serious? I think I said something similar to DP when we met - absolutely in jest.

Original poster
Cloudyday123 · 07/06/2020 12:35

No unfortunately it wasn’t a joke

OP posts:
bigchris · 07/06/2020 12:39

What a twat

I'd dump him and tell him you're looking for the best as it's obviously yet to come

PawPawNoodle · 07/06/2020 12:41

He says I’m enough for him but I don’t want to be enough, I want to be the best!

Well then find out what will make you "the best" and work on that?

Regularsizedrudy · 07/06/2020 12:44

Negging

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 07/06/2020 12:45

So you want him to lie to you?

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 07/06/2020 12:51

Honestly don't try to be amazing to be "the best" . Sex is personal and reflects who you are , putting yourself in the position of competing with women you don't even know will destroy your self esteem.

Hmmm , tell him it makes you worried that he felt that this was an appropriate thing to say? Tell him that empathy and basic kindness would have stopped most people from saying that and see where the conversation takes you ... It might be interesting to see his take on that . Lack of empathy is a deal breaker for me . Does he have this problem?

And just to say , I don't think this has got anything to do with your sexual ability ... I really don't .

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 07/06/2020 12:51

Sounds like a complete lack of emotional intelligence on his part. He’s an insensitive tool.

rottiemum88 · 07/06/2020 12:58

I can’t understand why he just won’t tell me I am, I would never know it wasn’t true and it would keep me happy!

I'll never understand this. I'm not for a second agreeing with your partners quite brutal answers, but you're honestly saying you'd rather he outright lie to you to keep you happy? That's a slippery slope to go down, when the obvious alternative is to work on your own self esteem

Crystalspider · 07/06/2020 12:58

Bit of a strange question of wanting to know if your his best, not sure that matters as you've chosen each other so can't be bad.
Also I think it's insentive to say things like your in his top 10 or your not the best, if you love someone that much then the making love is the best because it's you or should be...

JustC · 07/06/2020 13:19

Hm if you asked directly, it is to be appreciated he was honest I think. If not, he should have kept his mouth shut. And someone who was better at sex was in his past, so obvs beet sex doesn't make gor a good relationsip for him. Which I see as a plus. You can always talk honestly about what would make it better for both of you. My husband of 11 years(13 together) is still not my best, but among my best 3 and he does alwys try to make it food for me, and some of the sex we had was fuking amazing, while some was luke warm. My very best was an arrogant asshole with misogynistic views. The great sex did not make up in the least for the fact he was an ass. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself and on him?

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 07/06/2020 13:26

Just to say in the OP its stated that he said when they first got together he stated she was "in the top ten". Like this was a compliment.

They are now deep in a relationship and she is "the one" but this hasn't changed his view on this . Obviously he's a man who likes to judge sexual performance so it's got into cloudy days head as an issue . She didn't ask .

If I've got that wrong let me know .

Bunnymumy · 07/06/2020 13:30

I agree, negging.

Does he make you feel less than/not as good as/not good enough/second in comparison too in other ways? Eg: always bringing up an ex or talking about how pretty someone else looks or slagging off your clothing choice ect..

Because it may be an indication you are dealing with someone toxic. It's a common abuser tactic to leave you feeling as if you are playing second fiddle like this. And arent quite good enough for him.

Be on your guard.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 07/06/2020 13:31

When I say "the one" I'm not being sarcastic , I'm just quoting you ... I got defensive when someone did that to me ...

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 07/06/2020 13:35

What else is making you feel insecure ?

JustC · 07/06/2020 13:44

Cloudy, I had missed the second post where you say you didnt ask. Yeah that was a shit move.

Is the marriage good otherwise? Does he make you feel like you come up short in other areas?
On you wanting to be the best....I still dont get it, I have to admit. I think I'm pretty good at sex, but don't obsess if I'm his best or not, or that he isn't my overall best at sex. Some sessions are amazing, some just alright, some downright meh(he can finish too soon). But he is my best friend, even when I feel like applying a frying pan to the back of his head 😁

Original poster
Cloudyday123 · 07/06/2020 13:49

Thank you for your replies.
He really is lovely to me and in everything else I feel so secure and loved by him, I just can’t seem to get over this issue.

He doesn’t bring it up and does nothing really to make me feel the way I do but also doesn’t do anything to reassure me.
The other day we had great sex, I told him he was amazing, and I got nothing back!

OP posts:
JustC · 07/06/2020 14:26

Well, that one comment might have been just a stupid blokeish thing to say. It happens I guess.
Bottom line I think you need to talk with an open mind, and without inhibitions, if he is truly satisfied, or if there are things you both would like that are missing. This is not just about him. Is he uour best? If there are things you or him would like, and the other is open to trying them, it might improve things for both.
Unless we are missing other details here, I do think you might be focusing too much on a stupid comment he made ages ago. But, like I said, I am not that stressed to be his best, or to him being my best. While I like to have a satisfactory sex life, some people are just not made to be sexual bombs. Like I said, I had a best, he could make want it just by the way he talked while we were out and about, and he just had sometjing about him. But he was crap as a human being and I ditched him and never regreted him. Sometimes I regreted nit having that kind of sex again, mostly when single and getting a bit tipsy with my friends, but ultimately prefer just decent in a good relationship. Talk to him. Best of luck

AgeLikeWine · 07/06/2020 14:32

You asked him a question, he gave you an honest answer and now you are pissed off at him for not lying to you. Sounds like a no-win situation to me.

So what should he have done?

NoseyfriendNC · 07/06/2020 14:37

I've never met anyone who doesn't tell their partner they're the best sex they've ever had - even if it's not true you want your partner to feel good and enjoy pleasing you and then you work to make it better.

I would be questioning his motive for telling you otherwise.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 07/06/2020 14:46

I don't know about this .... Was the first time he said it so etching that was unexpected ? Did he genuinely think it was some kind of compliment ....

He isn't saying it now but it's in your head and every time he doesn't say the right thing or says nothing that adds to you "proof" that you aren't good enough...

I think you need to work on your self esteem , maybe reassure yourself that you might be the best emotionally but he was talking about ... The kind of sex you have when it's not love .... And although he was an idiot for saying that if he's no longer making these comments I think you have to let it go . I wouldn't ask him for clarification again . And don't give compliments if you are going to be disappointed if they aren't reciprocated .

You need to work on your self esteem and confidence to get there .

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