I’m not the best

[Cloudyday123]

Had a heart to heart with dp last night as I’ve been feeling a bit insecure over a few things lately.
I got cheated on by ex so have a few hang ups.
Dp reassured me I’m totally “the one”, can’t imagine life without me etc but I can’t get over the fact that I’m not the best sex he’s ever had. When we first got together he said I was “in the top 10”
He says I’m enough for him but I don’t want to be enough, I want to be the best!
I can’t understand why he just won’t tell me I am, I would never know it wasn’t true and it would keep me happy!
I just feel so crap about myself now I don’t want to have sex at all!
Please talk sense into me

Something not so etching ... Hmmm

Come up and see my etchings?

Well, clearly he's a test for having said it but I'm not sure that I would be trying to engage in any kind of competition with past livers anyway.

I mean, how do you compete? Does he award points and then you review it on a scoreboard? Why are you even entertaining this?

Both sound immature and veering towards toxic tbh

If he's giving you the best time who cares if it's not the best for him. Enjoy it!

So i havent read every reply so Im really sorry if Ive missed something important! It was a stupid, insensitive thing to say by someone who didn’t engage their brain....

....BUT in all honesty, Ive been with someone who was the love of my life and I have never loved anyone more... definitely had better sex with different people though who were just a couple of months long fling each and never had any feelings for!

But the sex with the love of my life was still good, horny, orgasmed most of the time, Enjoyable, sweaty, comfortable.... just different. The best sex of my life wasn't because they were better people, or even better in bed, or because they were better looking....it was just different and worked better for me.

But the love of my life eclipsed them in every other way. I dunno, maybe the way the best sex people’s penises were shaped was just the right exact angle to hit that spot! Maybe they were more outgoing, who knows? I cant put my finger on it (pun not intended) So i wouldn't stress too much.

If i met another “love of my life” type person and he asked me if he was the best sex i’d ever had, I’d feel pressured to say yes for fear of hurting them. Even though it wouldn’t be true and this is kind of sad because usually people ask that question because they want to be better....lying is only settling. If they pushed and pushed for an answer then id cave and tell them the truth that no they weren't the best of my life, but that I didn’t want them any less and we have the rest of our lives together to make it perfect and have a lot of fun discovering what makes it perfect for each other!

What Im saying is, dont take it to heart too much. Sex is so important but the fact that youve got someone who clearly wants to spend his life with you, and have a lot of fun continuing to have sex with you and please you and yes be pleased by you too shows you have a gem who isn’t superficial, even if he is clumsy and insensitive with words.

Maybe if youre honest, he doesnt always get you to orgasm each and everytime, multiple times a session either, maybe there’s things he can improve on too.... the whole point is, its practice for each person and you need the love and trust to allow that to happen in a safe and fun way xx

@Fuzzyduck1990 “you have a gem who isn’t superficial, even if he is clumsy and insensitive with words” that made me laugh and I think very true!
You’ve actually put some things into perspective for me...why couldn’t he explain it like that!

My partner is the best person I know and we have a great sex life.

If I was to shag him and not know him, it might not be "the best" sex I've ever had, because I've been with some arseholes who only had sex in their locker and nothing else but he's the best person I know and I fucking LOVE shagging him.

There's nobody I'd rather go to sleep with, shag, wake up with, laugh with, build a life with.

It was a silly, risky question to ask and he gave a silly, risky answer.

If you're happy with him then this isn't something you should let spoil it

My sister once said to me that she didn't understand why so much importance is put on sex. Even if you do it a lot, it's going to be less than 5% of the time. Isn't the other 95% more important? So what if it's not the best sex he's ever had? He probably had some wild one night stand where she (or he) did unimaginably wonderful and exhilerating things to him. It didn't last to a time where they slobbed out in pyjamas and had a laugh to daft in jokes did it? You have good sex, that's a win!

The other day we had great sex, I told him he was amazing, and I got nothing back!

What a complete arse he is. He's doing absolutely nothing for your confidence and I doubt it will get better.

Honestly it sounds like it was a throwaway comment and not designed to hurt you. Now you are reading more and more into it and feeding your own insecurity.

If he was unhappy with the sex you have I doubt he would stick around. He has told you that you are the one and you have great sex. But you're ignoring that and honing in on one comment in the past that wasn't even negative!

Perhaps your insecurity stems from you having different partners, you only having two sexual partners and him thirty. Comparison is the thief of joy, just enjoy the sex you have and as your confidence increases and you learn what each other likes, I'm sure you will rocket to number one.

Dp used to say thinks like 'your amazing' after sex. I found it awkward, so used to just say 'yeah it was good'.

It felt like I was being graded. He didnt mean it like that but it was weird, to me. He picked up on my feeling about it and doesnt do it. He gives me a kiss, tells me he loves me and is ok, when I roll over and fall asleep 5 minutes later.

He said something when you were first together. He probably feels if he said it now, you wouldn't believe him.

Is it really that important to be 'the best'. Thats not proof that the relationship will always work out. Its not proof he loves you more.

OP hrtht but the early conclusion I drew is that you're extremely insecure. That's understandable. But don't you think he's aware of this and is playing on it?
Kick him to the kerb and find love for you. In yourself. He's making you ill by the sound of it. Sorry.

@backseatcookers

My partner is the best person I know and we have a great sex life.

If I was to shag him and not know him, it might not be "the best" sex I've ever had, because I've been with some arseholes who only had sex in their locker and nothing else but he's the best person I know and I fucking LOVE shagging him.

There's nobody I'd rather go to sleep with, shag, wake up with, laugh with, build a life with.

It was a silly, risky question to ask and he gave a silly, risky answer.

If you're happy with him then this isn't something you should let spoil it

THIS!!!!!

Because he’s a man and even for the ones who aren't complete tossers, they are extremely fucking dim

How you move past this now is up to you. Sex is about chemistry, connection, intimacy. Its bit about how many partners or what shenanigans you get up to. Please don't contort yourself or stifle your values to try and get into his fucking top ten of being an absolute cuntery

I will just add, as a naive young runaway I was picked up by a lot of older men. They ALL played on my inexperience and insecurity. I ended up doing horrendous things. I'm sure this isn't the case here but be careful when someone preys on your insecurities.
If you have less experience and he has significantly more then its natural you're going to be curious about how you fit in with his experiences.
My advice to you is to learn how to please yourself INDEPENDENTLY of him.
Get yourself some 'me time' learn how your body works and what makes you feel good. Sex is about you and your body and mind and your partner should be able to complement that.
A few different kinds of vibrators can help. Find confidence in your body, have done fun, get your own sexual experiences. You might find that despite his bigger numbers, he isn't actually that skilled after all.
I have slept with a LOT of people I clouding men who have been very promiscuous. Number of partners doesn't equate excellent sex.

Excuse typos. I'm going to try and find a link to this life changing vibe..

www.babeland.com/sex-toys/p/BL29891/womanizer/womanizer-premium-clitoral-stimulator
This is a gamechanger, sorry for US link was first I found but you can get them on lovehoney. And you can also find much cheaper versions by other brands.
I have the best orgasms with it and often use it in conjunction with a standard vibrator inside for g spot stimulation. You'll get to the point where he's asking you to reassure him.

I can imagine some of them will never say you're the best, so you keep working at it.

Top 10??? No. If anyone said this to me they would be out of the door and on the not-top-10 number 73 bus before midnight. What a shitty thing to say.

It isnt that I want someone to tell me I am a godess in bed. Its just very hurtful to be with someone who is such an pillock that they rate you and not the experience. Like they were trying out a sofa! Sex is a two-way thing. If it is average, or worse, they are 50% responsible...

I recently slept with a bloke who had not had full penetrative sex in 20 years. Second time was great till he told me that the first time had been as mediocre as he remembered sex to be. Second time "much better, really special". Thing is, I didnt disagree and part of me appreciated his honesty but the bigger part of me thought fuck off an get some manners!

I think Magic Wand style vibrators are great BTW. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/ Would recommend.

They do not make insulting comments and are not hurtful (well, I haven't managed to hurt myself yet. )

Cloudy

I am not sure what made you so insecure but it’s something only you can fix.
Getting him to give you compliments and prop you up - irrespective of reality - isn’t the way though!!

Thing about sex is that it doesn’t necessarily get great all on its own. It takes communication and open mind.
You haven’t been with many people, you are insecure and no doubt anxious about sex, given what you said. No one in this frame of mind would the ‘the best sexual partner’ to anyone.
If you want to change that - stop wishing he just lied to you - and start talking. Ask him what he likes, what he fantasises about. See if you might also like to try it.
You can’t just will yourself to be a great sexual partner - but you can try to open and try to please your partner in the way he likes to be.
Obviously, he should be also doing it to you.
And this is how sex lives improve and evolve.

The other day we had great sex, I told him he was amazing, and I got nothing back!

That makes it sound like more than just a throwaway stupid comment - it now sounds like he is making some kind of principle out of it not to sugar coat it, so for instance he won't say you were amazing back because you were 'just' very good or some such.

I would want to tell him how much that was upsetting me and that I was rethinking the relationship because of it.

I've never used a magic Wand @NoMoreDickheads but have heard loads about them. I was put off by the size and mains powere but always wanted to try one. What's so good about?