Red Flags?

[Mermaidwaves]

I've got chatting to a seemingly nice man online, due to have a social distance date outside tommorow. I have concerns though.

1. Immediately told me I'm "out of his league" really I'm not that special
2. Is already saying he really likes me and wants to show me off to his friends
3. Wants to delete his profile even though we havent met yet
4. Has told his mum! And his friends about me, see above re. not having met.
5. Is full of flowery compliments and pet names. Wants to send pizza to my work as I work in healthcare and wants to 'show his appreciation' to healthcare workers.
6. Keeps telling me how everyone thinks he's lovely and a great guy.

I need to cancel and run dont I?

My recent ex was like this. He was ok for the first few days of messaging and was very articulate and seemingly intelligent. But he became besotted even on the first date. Asked to delete our profiles the next day and was changing his facebook relationship status within a week. Red flags all over the place!! It lasted 8 months and actually was good for the first few but then when we had an argument, his true colours emerged. Its only now I look back and see other warning signs.

He's 46?! Fucking hell. I would have guessed much, much younger. He hasn't even met you yet he's already told mummy about you. Unbelievable.

Red flags with massive bells on OP. Glad your going to cancel xxx

I just reread your OP. It's odd , I work in social care and he would say the same thing ... Almost exactly . Does he work for a company beginning with B .... I'm being daft cause a couple of things aren't the same ....

You don't need to cancel. I would just make him wait until lockdown has lifted further and meet him for a one hour drink. Keep boundaries strong. In the meantime allow him only one quick check in message a day. If he asks why just say you're super busy with work or some other project. If he calls you can answer but keep it to a short ten minute conversation. If he manages with you asserting these boundaries without kicking off or getting nasty it's safe enough to meet him in a bar in public. If he is a weirdo or is not genuine he will likely show it very quickly because he will not do well with only one message a day. The key to avoiding love bombing is not engaging with it.

I dont know about the name of the company, we are in the south west?

I used to work with a guy like this. Any woman would do - he would shift his focus in the blink of an eye once his target made it clear they were not interested. He'd go from one 'amaz ing, out of my league, never felt a connection like this before' target to another in the space of a few days.

Keeps telling me how everyone thinks he's lovely and a great guy.

Ugh meant to say about this - he'll be pulling out the old "I'm too nice for my own good, that's always the problem" bullshit. It really is a script.

Yes apparently we have an amazing connection. And telling his mum did make me cringe, he actually said " she hopes we get on well together, no pressure lol "

No , it's not him if you're in the south west ... It's just , your OP could have been him . It unnerved me a bit .

I might be projecting so take that into consideration ... But your guy is giving me the creeps a bit . And the age lowering is just ... He's willing to lie to get what he wants before he even knows what it is ? Not a good sign . And you know , if he's 46, he's pulled these kind of tactics on dozens of women before you .... He didn't just learn them . A lot of women have been where you are and some fell for his tactics and some walked away .... You sound lovely and you deserve someone honest .

He probably lives with his mum, that's why he told her. She wanted to know 'why he was always on that thing instead of watching Man About the House properly'.

And I know what you mean about inarticulate men. Is it really too much trouble to run spell and grammar check over a message?

But chubbyhotchoc, why on earth would you even bother trying to create and manage boundaries with a pushy, OTT guy and go ahead and meet him, even for one drink? What's the point?

Nooooooo!
Press delete he sounds unhinged

How long have you been talking to him . All in?

A 46 year old man saying "lol" would be enough to put me off...

@Aquamarine1029 love bombing weirdo 😂🤣😂 that cracked me up.
But yeah bit much, not even from a weirdo point of view, for me its just off putting.

And do you have proof that he's even really 46? He's lied once... he might be nearer fifty, just leading you gradually upwards and hoping you are so smitten by the time you find out how old he really is, that you forgive him.

@category12 because men do flatter and compliment when they see a woman they like. They're more visual than woman. So when they see pics of a woman that ticks all their boxes They pursue. My dh pursued me massively. He would have texted all day and talked in the phone all night. He brought gifts for me and my mother when we started dating.
A lot of men are full on with messaging and sweet words prior to meeting because it creates a false sense of intimacy and gets women into bed quicker. In women's heads you've known each other a month, in reality you've had one date and a lot will hop into bed at that point. Men know this sometimes consciously sometimes not. These things don't make them weirdos necessarily just red blooded. You just take it at a sensible pace and he will stick around or he will disappear. If you don't give him at least a chance though you could be missing out.

I don't have enough FOMO for that.

If he is a weirdo or is not genuine he will likely show it very quickly because he will not do well with only one message a day. The key to avoiding love bombing is not engaging with it.

@chubbyhotchoc how is continuing to talk to him and then going on a date with him not engaging with it?

My dh pursued me massively. He would have texted all day and talked in the phone all night. He brought gifts for me and my mother when we started dating.

This would be inappropriate, stifling and fake for most people because it's unhealthy forced intimacy way too soon and buying gifts is often a way of people trying to make you feel you owe it to them to stick around.

A lot of men are full on with messaging and sweet words prior to meeting because it creates a false sense of intimacy and gets women into bed quicker.

Oh that's ok then, just "red blooded" in your words rather than fake and manipulative.

I'm guessing you met your DH young as you sound very naive about relationships. It's good you met each other if you're happy, but what you view as positive pursuing is what most people would view as (I know I've already said it but it bears repeating) fake and manipulative.

You're not engaging with it at the level he wants by just going for a quick drink. If he's not genuine he will just give up and move on to someone more vulnerable.
I don't see it as fake if they are consistent. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get close to someone that you really like or to give them gifts. Dh just wanted to impress me and my mum was there babysitting when he picked me up looking after my dd so he always brought something. I was 31 and he was 40 when we met so not particularly young and definitely not naive. He's just a very generous man. He's always gifted me a lot and wears his heart on his sleeve.

He was messaging all day long, sending me pics, constant updates. We had been chatting a week or so but I've cancelled the date and am already feeling relieved. He does look older than 46 so its plausible hes still lying about his age.

crazy days thanks for your kind words and glad it's not the same guy, although its worrying theres so many like this.

Well done @Mermaidwaves for listening to your gut. Feeling dread at contact from someone means it's not right. The comment about his mum hoping you get on 'lol' is totally over the top and awkward. Hopefully he was respectful about you cancelling?

My ex was sending over 1000 texts a week , phone calls , photos ...., endless photos . Don't get me wrong I fell for it hook, line and sinker but ... Looking back it was so much different from my previous long term relationship and that was mostly a healthy relationship and the one who love bombed me was not a good person . At all .

I just think now what I want is someone who likes himself and has boundaries and enjoys a normal pace at the beginning of a relationship.... Yeah . When I ever start dating again that will be a priority for me.