Unrequited love

[Highcocoa]

I am in love with a man that I will never be with and my god it's shit!! He is married and i know he will never choose me. I suppose you could say we have a friendship, we met at work, but despite a mutual attraction to each other he is not a bad person and I know he won't cross the line. And I don't want some sordid affair, I want him all to myself.

I'm really struggling with my feelings, I think about him multiple times a day and because we work in the same office I will never be able to escape him.

I wonder how I will get over this?! What if I never do!! It's hard to meet men and OLD is awful. Has anyone been in this situation and been able to get past it? How do I actually stop loving and wanting him?

Hi there,
Personally i wouldn't dwell on something that is never going to happen you need to try to get the possibility of him out of your head as he is not an option. I feel like your prehaps in love with the idea of him and even maybe a little bit lonely.
One of the first things i would do during this lockdown:

1. Makeover (order some new clothes, some new make up and exercise as endorphins are always a pick me up)
2. Get a hobby to keep your mind occupied and off your work colleague
3. Set up a dating account (badoo, tinder, tagged, match.com)

Trust me there is someone out there for everyone whether you are old or not. Age is just a number as they say you are as young as you feel. Positivity is key, the more you dwell on this married man the more your closing the door to other male suitors.

Hi Im currently going through my own heartbreak and I really feel for you. I am finding that writing down how I am feeling about him helps and the waves of sadness I get, well I just accept them.
I dont think you ever stop loving someone if its the real deal nor do you ever really stop wanting them. But I hope that time really does heal all things.
Keep your distance as much as poss, surround yourself with people who will support you, keep yourself busy.
Go no contact as much as you can. If you have to talk to him be polite but dont hang around. Say what you need to and then walk away.
I hope this helps somehow

You make the solid decision he isn't and will never be yours. He is emotionally unavailable and is married. Don't talk to him unless absolutely necessary and brhave coldly and matter of fact so he geys the message. You are worth more than the crumbs a married man would have to offer you anyway.

By doing the right thing.

Quit the job and end all contact with him.

You cant get over him if you see him every day. and it is deeply immoral and inappropriate for you to stay around a married man,knowing you feel this way.

Yes, it sucks. And you haven't done anything wring. But if you continue to stay around him, then that would be wrong.

Also, how long have you even known him. To be using words like love when you have so much as had a date or presumably, hung around with him out of work... ...all u know is his work persona. Saying that is love...sorry but that sounds a bit childish.

Life isnt a fairytale. Neother is love. Time to give your head a wobble and take responsibility for yourself.

Doritamama OLD stands for online dating.
Confused me for ages !

Is he still at your work? It's much easier if you go no contact, but I still miss someone sometimes from years and years ago so I know it's hard.

i had URL. And then I didn't. As he felt the same and move from Australia to the UK to 'be with me' -we were only friends at that point and he broke off his engagement etc I was shocked and excited. And then we went away together and I, after 20 years of being friends the reality of being in a charming cottage in the countryside meant that despite every appeal -he was equal on an brain level, wealthy, he could move in with me or even buy the house next door -I found him 24/7 to be a bloody nightmare. His feminism didn't run to clearing up his shit and after a week of unwedded bliss I thoroughly enjoyed clearing off back home. He isn't my friend anymore and I don't love him anymore. I was in love with his messages and friendship and what 'might have been' the reality. Nope.

In your case when you can -move get promoted and travel!

Change jobs, cut all contact.

You're not seeing the 'real' him in work. He might be a real pig at home.

I can't just quit my job, it's my career! I need that job to pay my bills and provide for my kids... it's not that simple.

Perhaps saying I am in love with him is too strong but I do know him and have done for some time. It's the chemistry between us, I have never felt it before. Unfortunately there is mutual attraction. I see him look at me and the way he looks at me. I guess I have hope... and that's not good, that's what I need to change.

Maybe it's not mutual and he's perfectly happy with his wife. You are at work, be professional, you don't want him complaining to HR.

It is definitely mutual attraction he has told me so.

Its horrible feeling this way. I fell in love with a married man. He went after me, he kept on at me I knew he was married so I shouldn't have even spoken to him.
Last time we saw each other was March 20th. He kept saying how he couldn't wait for this to be over so he could see me again, he was crazy about me, I was getting him through this.
He sent me a message saying he was falling in love with me, my heart nearly jumped out my chest. We were messaging every day then one afternoon he just stopped. No goodbye, no crossed words nothing just gone. Last time I heard from him was April 18th. I'm just about over it now. No more knot in my stomach. It really hurt though.

Where are your morals? Dignity? Respect?

I'd say going by the way you're talking, the line will be crossed.

You can look for another job, obviously quitting with nothing to go to would be daft, but you could look for something else or a transfer to another team?

In the meantime, stop pretending it's a "friendship" and stop all contact outside of professional boundaries.

Oh no, so you've actually talked about this attraction with him?

You're going to end up in an affair if you're not really careful. It'll end badly for you if you do - be warned. If he won't leave his wife before an affair starts, he certainly won't afterwards. You'll be tied into a relationship where you have to watch him live his life with another woman and you'll never have the kind of home life you want.

You need to make sure you never ever talk privately to this guy again. He's not your friend - he's an enemy to your happiness.

I know he won't cross the line

or

It is definitely mutual attraction he has told me so.?

If he ever does try it on with you please have the courage to turn him down however hard it is, not only is it immoral but he will just use you.
If he wants you make it known you will not get involved while he's married.

Try OLD again you never know who is going to turn up and will certainly distract you from him.

Think of all the many times you felt like this before. The boy at school. The guy on your course at college.

You felt like this before - you HAVE - and got over it. You will get over this guy.

It is definitely mutual attraction he has told me so.

Well he has crossed the fucking line then hasn't he?!

Think of it this way... do you really want to waste your headspace, risk your professional reputation and have your happiness diminished due to an infatuation with a man who is married but tells other women he is attracted to them?

Raise your bar.

Do you want to be with a man who’s happy telling another woman he’s attracted to her? I wouldn’t.

So let's say he leaves the dw and u become the dream team so u think u will ever trust him or be looking over ur shoulder for who he moves on with next.
It's sad but be better than that. I feel for his poor wife who has no idea

Start by thinking about the tiny things that annoy you about him. Everyone has these things and if you can't find any, make some up! Then think about how these could become issues in a relationship, LOL!

Seriously, you need to be realistic. He's not the perfect man you dream about. He has warts just like the rest of us but you haven't seen them yet. The more you fantasize about how wonderful he is, the more enmeshed in this you become.

Put a rubber band around you wrist and everytime you find yourself daydreaming about Mr. Perfect who works in the same office, snap that band!

And try to stay away from him as much as possible.

Any chance that it's limerance? That he fulfils some need in you or seems to have attricutes that you feel you lack? Because you can't love someone, truly LOVE them unless you know them, warts and all, and love them because of their faults, not despite them. And that takes a lot more work than eyes across a crowded meeting room and the odd stolen conversation.

It feels like love, but it's closer to addiction. There is a peace in being truly in love that you are never going to feel here. I don't know what to advise you to do, other than staying away for as long as it takes for the feelings to die.

Is it immoral to be attracted to a married person?
Why should being attracted to a married person mean you should leave your career?
I don’t think either is true.
There’s literally nothing wrong with being attracted to a married person.
There is plenty wrong with discussion about that attraction with said married person because it’s just testing the waters (both of you) and it makes for a potentially immoral decision to do something.
Best things are as pp suggested is to try to ignore, not engage and keep busy!!! Get new interests and get dating