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Original poster

I want to cheat / have open relationships

53 replies

Meganc95 · 06/06/2020 14:56

Hello I'm 24 iv been with my husband nearly 8 years,5years married iv known him sense I was 16 he was my first bf first kiss first everything and hes 7 years older than me so definitely had experiences and I dont know why feel like I want to cheat or have an open relationship we have talked about it and there are times I really want to and then others I don't I'm confused as I love my husband and at the beginning things were extremely exciting and our sex life now is still grate it's just been on my mind for quite a while

OP posts:
iklboo · 06/06/2020 15:28

@notheragain4 - the OP has now said the open relationship is her husband's idea.

notheragain4 · 06/06/2020 15:32

@iklboo yes sorry I saw that after posting. I'm probably being old fashioned, but in my opinion if one or both are looking to open up the relationship then the relationship has run its course.

I'm also a bit creeped out by the 16/23 ages.

picklemewalnuts · 06/06/2020 15:33

I'm not impressed by a man who is a bit older, marrying you when you were young, and now suggesting an open relationship. It seems a bit imbalanced as relationships go.

picklemewalnuts · 06/06/2020 15:34

I think this had potential to be really abusive.

iklboo · 06/06/2020 15:34

I agree @notheragain4 about the relationship aspect.

I'm 8 years older than DH but at least he was in his 20s when we got together.

iklboo · 06/06/2020 15:35

I can envisage him suggesting threesomes / foursomes next. Fine if you want that but please don't be pressured into it.

Original poster
Meganc95 · 06/06/2020 15:40

@notheragin4 I love my husband and I dont feel like iv missed out hes amazing person and our marriage is amazing and that's my point its the I love him so much and we both talked about it wether it would ruin out married or make it stronger and every one marriage is diffrent

OP posts:
Original poster
Meganc95 · 06/06/2020 15:46

Yes my husband is 31 and I'm 24 and it makes no difference if he met me when I was 16 none what so ever this isnt want I wanted to talk about I have 2 kids out sex life and marriage is amazing theres no problems no other person it's when we're in the bed room these conversations come up and its do I act on them or leave them where they are and no he isnt bi he said he'd either watch or just like to know what I have been up to with the occasional 3 sum it is when I'm in the mood I'd probably agree but thinking about it just normally I just dont know

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 06/06/2020 15:54

Bedroom fantasies often turn out to be disastrous in real life, so I would be very wary, it’s not something that can be undone.

1235kbm · 06/06/2020 15:56

he said he'd either watch or just like to know what I have been up to with the occasional 3 sum it is when I'm in the mood

So he wants to open up the relationship where he watches you having sex with other men or joins in with threesomes?

Regularsizedrudy · 06/06/2020 15:58

It sounds like you need to think about what you want. No one on the internet can tell you that.

category12 · 06/06/2020 16:00

Oh he's into cuckolding? I always think it's a bit of a misogynistic fetish, that.

Do you actually want to do any of this?

If you don't, then just tell him it's fine as a fantasy, but you're not interested in doing it for real. You're not obliged to do things you don't want to do sexually to please him.

wishfuldreamer · 06/06/2020 16:01

ok. there's a lot of things going on here.

First, while open relationships are not innately abusive, PPs are right that there is a potential for a power imbalance here. You need to be sure that you are doing what you want, not because you're scared that you will lose the relationship if you don't. And this becomes really important if you do open up - you need to have some really clear personal boundaries.

Second, I don't think the fact you are thinking about opening your relationship necessarily means the relationship is over. People have different approaches to this, and a monogamous marriage is not the only healthy relationship model.

Third, i think you both need to do some reading and research about non-monogamous relationships. It's not something you should go into blindfolded. For one thing, are you interested in the idea of cuckolding (him watching/you telling him about it after)? Are you interested in a threesome? Or do you want the freedom to explore sexual and/or romantic connections apart from him?

I'd think about listening to this podcast: www.multiamory.com/podcast/are-you-ready?rq=mistakes (talking about polyamory, but a lot of the points are relevant for any non-monogamous relationship), and then reading something like the Ethical Slut.

picklemewalnuts · 06/06/2020 16:02

A friend's marriage broke down over this- they had a regular extra in their bed, but when she wasn't up for it one night they went ahead without her.

Once you change the boundaries of normal fidelity, it's hard to work out where they are. She felt that he shouldn't be having sex if she wasn't there. He felt it was just the same.

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/06/2020 16:05

You need to take this topic out of the bedroom for a start. At this point it's just sex talk, not an actually discussion. He may find the idea sexy, but not mean it to be something you consider actually acting on.

Open relationships generally mean you both see other people separately to your primary relationship. Having threesomes or him watching you have sex is a different thing entirely.

Both need very clear boundaries, and a lot of trust. Your earlier comment on virginity suggests he places a high value on the fact you hadn't slept with anyone else before him. This in itself suggests it's just sex talk to him, but you've run further with the idea than he meant.

Eileithyiaa · 06/06/2020 16:08

Only you and your husband know the dynamics of the relationship enough to know in which direction the pendulum might swing if you open the relationship to third parties.

It's a very personal thing. For me, I couldn't do it and neither could my DP. It would ruin our relationship, even the suggestion would send the other running for the hills.

How does the thought of your husband having sex with another woman make you feel? You might find you think you can handle it, but after the event it could consume you to the point of not being able to continue the relationship. And vice versa.

I believe for an open relationship to work, both parties need to have the same mindset and feelings towards it, otherwise it would probably destroy your relationship.

Zoflorabore · 06/06/2020 16:09

I was at school with a girl who met her dh at 16, he was 34 and they’re still together now at 42/60. I don’t think op’s situation is that unusual age wise but it sounds like he’s making it feel like this is all her idea when clearly he’s the one who wants these extras.

BraveGoldie · 06/06/2020 16:11

OP, you seem very unclear on what you actually want..... it is sounding more and more like something he is pushing and you are worried about.

Do you really want to have sex with others? Men? Women? And if so, are you are simply worried about the possible fall out? (Quite rightly)

Or are you not sure you want to have sex with others at all?

If it is the latter, I would definitely, definitely not do it - and the discussion for the thread is about understanding that it is fine to say no to your dh.

backseatcookers · 06/06/2020 16:37

he said he'd either watch or just like to know what I have been up to with the occasional 3 sum it is when I'm in the mood

So he wants to watch other people shag you, or shag you while other people join in.

You sound incredibly naive and he sounds pretty manipulative if he's trying to persuade you to do this when you are clearly not that into it based on how you are writing about it on here.

This sounds like a relationship dynamic that paints him as the authority and you as a willing participant, even when you really don't sound that willing.

Do you actually want to see other people? Would you actively be discussing it if he hadn't brought it up? If no then tell him it's not something you would seriously consider and if he's not an arsehole then you can go back to the marriage and sex life you say is 'amazing'.

Batshittery · 06/06/2020 16:47

An open relationship is very different to cheating. You have to be sure that it's what you want, and not something you are doing just because your husband wants it.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 06/06/2020 16:49

Manipulated consent isn't really consent. That's why people are commenting on the age gap because teenagers can be groomed by older men maybe more easily, obviously you're not a teenager now but it still might be wise to just take a step back and work out what you want without your husband nagging in your ear about what he wants

Bookoffacts · 06/06/2020 16:57

You were only a child and he was a very suspect 23 yo man.
It's little wonder you want to live your life now. You're still only 24. Life should be great.
I would divorce him if I were you.

iklboo · 06/06/2020 17:04

Next cones the 'If you loved me you would...'

backseatcookers · 06/06/2020 17:06

Manipulated consent isn't really consent. That's why people are commenting on the age gap because teenagers can be groomed by older men maybe more easily, obviously you're not a teenager now but it still might be wise to just take a step back and work out what you want without your husband nagging in your ear about what he wants

Well put.

Also would you date a 16 year old now? You're now basically the same age he was when you met. I'm sure the idea of dating a 16 year old feels icky and inappropriate to you?

SandyY2K · 06/06/2020 17:37

he said he'd either watch or just like to know what I have been up to

He's a cuck then...or wants you to be a hotwife for his pleasure.

OP...Google Hotwives and Cuckold forums. They're very insightful.

Him suggesting a threesome as well, suggests he wants to hotwife you more than be a Cuckold.