Preparing to leave because I'm just not good enough

[holymoly678]

Today I'm looking into working out a plan to move out and move on as soon as life gets back to "normal" with Covid.
For the reasons above, not written as a sympathy move, but I genuinely can't be the partner he needs, wants and deserves.

I get frustrated at silly things, let them brew and eventually explode, but my behaviour and the words I use in my anger aren't acceptable.
He constantly trys to change and adapt to make things better and doesn't deserve these swings and moods. I have literally tried everything possible to try to be perfect, but I can't be, I'm not. Admitting that i am abusive and someone feels they are walking on eggshells and can't do write for doing wrong is difficult. But I have to put him out of his misery.

Can anyone offer any advice on next steps and is anyone planning a break up after this period?

I’m really sorry I can’t offer any advice other than to say I can kind of relate with you and I have also been thinking about leaving because of this.

Maybe we just don’t love them anymore.

Do you have DC?

In the aftermath, you might want to go to counselling and see your GP to see what help you can get for the mood-swings, and to work on your triggers and reactions. Look into domestic abuser perpetrator programmes.

yes, two apiece from previous relationships, all older teenagers. WBY?
maybe so. I believe I do, but making someone unhappy some of the time contradicts this notion.

I feel like you recognising damaging behaviour means there's a way back from this. Is counselling possible? Do you still love each other?

I've been to counselling, been to the GP, have had various therapies. The only thing that won't happen is couples counselling which I have suggested many times, but when the blame lies firmly with me he doesn't recognise the need for it.
Yes, we do, very much, however, I feel like I am being selfish and using that for a reason to carry on this way. It's not fair to hurt someone and expect them to accept it because you love each other.
I can't see what to do beyond letting him go to find the life that he deserves. I could promise not to chuck a wobbly again but I barely even trust myself so how can I expect him to?

Have you been diagnosed with anything OP? Do you have a background of trauma?

You could contact Respect. It's an organisation specifically for perpetrators of abuse. It would be a good first step.

I've just read this and thought that actually, your DH is the abusive partner. You said I have literally tried everything possible to try to be perfect, but I can't be, I'm not

No one is perfect @holymoly678 and if you feel that the only way to meet your DH's needs is to be perfect, then it's him not you.

Are your hormones balanced? Do your mood swings happen at the same stage in your cycle? Could going on the pill be an option to help you?

Are you like this with anybody else? Have you been like this in previous relationships? What triggers you?

'Swings and moods' ring alarm bells. There are any number of disorders associated with them such as bipolar, or borderline or complex ptsd and there are physical reasons as well such as menopause, thyroid disorders or even a vitamin deficiency. Emotional lability is also seen in those who have had a stroke or brain injury.

I would suggest a check up with the GP as soon as possible and, if no physical cause can be found, then a psychiatric evaluation.

It sounds as though the OP cannot control the mood swings which sounds like a disorder rather than abuse. Abusers can control what they are doing.

Aside from mood swings / wobblers - what is the state of your relationship and has is always been this way?

Joint counselling isn't appropriate where there's abuse.

I am in perimenopause and take a small dose of HRT. My previous relationship could be verbally abusive and I had a similar upbringing to the point I am now NC with my mother. I have some abandonment issues which trigger me to go into fight or flight mode. I know the triggers and my behaviour isn't completely OTT. I am a passionate person and when I'm told to "calm down" I tend to see red. I have had evaluations and have no mental illnesses. I am quite simply not capable of a perfect life with no disagreements or arguments, I am not capable of completely changing. I've done so much to try and contain my emotions when they flare up but short of becoming a stepford wife I am at a loss. These things happen when I am unhappy about things for example something that he has continually said he'd do around the house and I call him out on it. In a calm and rational manner, which leads to a debate why I shouldn't feel the way I feel and off it goes. He maintains complete calm, I feel like a child, I lose my rag. This is the cycle I seem unable to break. In his mind I love to fight and argue and I make it happen because I enjoy it so much. I dont want to be that person, or to be perceived as that person.
I am a normal, functioning human with a demanding job, kids and we have a lot going for us. And I'm not like this with anyone else, no, which probably makes it worse.

Sorry, that was a complete rant..! It seems clear to me what to do for best for all despite the heartache it may cause. I am not going to be that person that makes someone else's life a misery.

OP, read up on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and see if it rings any bells for you.

I assume you've had a medical as well as psychiatric evaluation and everything is fine.

In the meantime I suggest you contact Respect and get advice on how to move forward.

That sounds more to me like you're justifiably losing it at someone who won't pull his weight around the place; who tells you that YOU are in the wrong when you calmly say something; who winds you up and then sits back and enjoys your explosion.
Which he can then use to browbeat and upset you.
That's gaslighting, on his part.
Yes, you shouldn't blow up at him, but I can understand how frustrated and annoyed you will feel, as he keeps on doing this behaviour to you.

And yes to C-PTSD. It (amongst other things) can make you hyper vigilant and on the verge of "losing it" over relatively minor stuff.
(Not that what he is doing is minor, nor that your calling him out calmly is unjustified)

I think your husband is enjoying the benefit of the "outrageous overshadow,'. Your behaviour is so "outrageous" that he looks perfect in comparison and any unhelpful elements of his behaviour are completely overshadowed. You will need to examine that to get a sense of what's really going on here. There's never a need to be perfect but at the same time, you're really shooting yourself in the foot if you respond to unreasonable pressure to be perfect by demonstrating how much you do need to change. Your style of handling conflict sounds incompatible but why is he invalidating your feelings and why are you mentioning that like it's fine? This is strange.

There are people who deliberately engineer an outrageous overshadow (not that it excuses anyone of anything but still helpful to be aware of patterns) and they may well be extremely calm and patronising.

These things happen when I am unhappy about things for example something that he has continually said he'd do around the house and I call him out on it.

I too think you should leave, but not for his sake - for yours. From what you say you're not demanding anything unreasonable from him, but instead of just getting on with xyz task he's baiting you into a reaction so he can flip around his poor behaviours into the situation being your fault. The fact you're not like this round anyone else suggests you do indeed know how to control your anger but like most people, you have a point at which you'll snap.

My abusive ex was like this - I turned into a screaming banshee on a regular basis because e.g he would expect me to do all the housework to his high standards (like run his finger along the tops of doors to check for dust) yet undo all my hard work within a matter of hours after he got home from dossing about with his brother work. Whilst barely lifting a finger around the house himself. Funnily enough I'm much calmer now that I've LTB.

I've thrown these ideas around a lot; the gaslighting, the delibarate manipulation of sitations. Sometimes it feels like an easy way out and a good way to deflect responsibilty. Regardless of the reasons, the best thing to do is step away. It petrifies me and saddens me but I can't see any other way that is best for both.
Thanks for all the comments and understanding.

and sorry for the dodgy spelling!

OP you sound like you may be suffering from manic depression. I've got some experience in this (not me). You saying you're not good enough for your partner rang bells with me.
Can I ask, do you do any form of exercise at all? Also, do you eat well? fish oils, avocados, fruit smoothies, nuts and seeds etc.?

@holymoly678

I've thrown these ideas around a lot; the gaslighting, the delibarate manipulation of sitations. Sometimes it feels like an easy way out and a good way to deflect responsibilty. Regardless of the reasons, the best thing to do is step away. It petrifies me and saddens me but I can't see any other way that is best for both. Thanks for all the comments and understanding.

Absolutely

From the outside, it does sound deliberately provocative, a type of gaslighting. But even if it's you not him, the reality is ..this isn't a good way to live. You will be calmer, and if he isn't gaslighting you then he will be happier too

IF he IS somehow getting a kick out of it, it will ultimately backfire on you. I agree with a pp who said put yourself first, but if your OH truly loves you he will help you through this.

And don't keep thinking your not good enough. If your OH does not support you through this, you're better off without him.