Preparing to leave because I'm just not good enough

[holymoly678]

Today I'm looking into working out a plan to move out and move on as soon as life gets back to "normal" with Covid.
For the reasons above, not written as a sympathy move, but I genuinely can't be the partner he needs, wants and deserves.

I get frustrated at silly things, let them brew and eventually explode, but my behaviour and the words I use in my anger aren't acceptable.
He constantly trys to change and adapt to make things better and doesn't deserve these swings and moods. I have literally tried everything possible to try to be perfect, but I can't be, I'm not. Admitting that i am abusive and someone feels they are walking on eggshells and can't do write for doing wrong is difficult. But I have to put him out of his misery.

Can anyone offer any advice on next steps and is anyone planning a break up after this period?

Interesting how the OP is being made the victim here. I've also noticed how she has gradually minimised her behaviour and started to point the finger at her husband.

The OP is a bully:

I get frustrated at silly things, let them brew and eventually explode, but my behaviour and the words I use in my anger aren't acceptable.

She says that she is being verbally abusive, I assume name calling and saying cruel things. She is triggered over 'silly things', which could be anything.

He constantly trys to change and adapt to make things better and doesn't deserve these swings and moods.

He's walking on eggshells around the OP and tries not to set her off.

I have literally tried everything possible to try to be perfect, but I can't be, I'm not.

DARVO is beginning here. Defend: I can't be perfect

I have some abandonment issues which trigger me to go into fight or flight mode.

Beginning to sound like BPD - which the OP denies.

I know the triggers and my behaviour isn't completely OTT.

Denial and minimisation.

I am a passionate person

Explosive, trigger temper, minimised to 'passionate' - you know what I'm like Dave...

when I'm told to "calm down" I tend to see red.

Which isn't your fault obviously as you're so 'passionate' ie a bully.

I am quite simply not capable of a perfect life with no disagreements or arguments, I am not capable of completely changing. I've done so much to try and contain my emotions when they flare up but short of becoming a stepford wife I am at a loss.

No one is asking you to be perfect. Sounds like something you throw back at your husband when he asks you to stop being so 'passionate' ie emotionally abusing him. You've been evaluated and don't have a PD or mental health issue so you're a bully with a bad temper who can't be a 'Stepford Wife'.

In his mind I love to fight and argue and I make it happen because I enjoy it so much. I dont want to be that person, or to be perceived as that person. I am a normal, functioning human with a demanding job, kids and we have a lot going for us. And I'm not like this with anyone else, no, which probably makes it worse

You're not 'normal' though are you. Normal people don't lose their 'rag' over 'silly things' and shout abuse at people they're meant to love. It sounds as though you learned this crappy behaviour from your mum and your husband's pleas for you to step up and do something about it have been met with 'I can't be perfect or change into a Stepford Wife'

You're only like this in the privacy of your own home where others can't see your shitty behaviour. Are you like this with your children as well? Just see red when they do 'silly things'.

Contact Respect OP.

If a man posted this exact same scenario, not one person would actually say it was his DPs fault...that she is goading him and is abusive.

Why is it that a woman cannot say it's her fault without ppl jumping in and defending her? Its like a woman can do no wrong.

for example something that he has continually said he'd do around the house and I call him out on it. In a calm and rational manner, which leads to a debate why I shouldn't feel the way I feel and off it goes.

At a certain point you need to take responsibility for how you respond...and I think you've reflected and done exactly that.

Some people are useless at doing certain things like DIY... if he's not doing it, get a handyman or someone else to do it, if you can't do it yourself.

The issue would be if he is usually as a matter of routine lazy and everything around the house is left to you...but that's not what I'm getting from your post.

It doesn't sound like he doesn't pull his weight as a pp suggested, otherwise you'd have said that.

You make a good observation, in that he's the only one you annoyed with like this. That's exactly the same with most abusive men... everyone else thinks they're lovely.

Is he the only one who annoys you like this? Or the only one who would remain so calm while you lose it?

@1235kbm Thank you for all your comments and advice. I have to say that at no point have I intentionally attempted to minimise my behaviour. I accept full responsibilty. Yes, I have weighed up the fact that I may not be wholly respsonsible but that to me is just thinking it through logically.
I do not have BPD or any other mental illness. By stating that I am not perfect I was not defending myself. He has never asked me to be perfect.
I am completely ashamed of myself and believe me had no intention of trying make it seem otherwise.

@1235kbm

We cross posted...I totally agree with your post.

Nobody wants to be a stepford wife...nobody is perfect.

If anyone said they were perfect, I would see that as an imperfection....because it means you'd never be at fault and do everything 100% right...nobody does. We're human beings.

a debate why I shouldn't feel the way I feel and off it goes. He maintains complete calm, I feel like a child, I lose my rag

You're right to be leaving, but don't make it about you not being perfect. Your feelings are totally valid and deserve to be heard and respected. It's invalidation of your feelings that's upsetting you. That's a natural response, not something wrong with you.

www.regain.us/advice/psychology/what-is-psychological-invalidation-how-it-happens-and-its-effects/

A quote from the article;
'Being the recipient of invalidating comments triggers a fight-or-flight response that will either make you act aggressively or defensively.'

He may or may not be doing it on purpose.

It sounds as though you should leave this relationship, and don't think of having another relationship anytime soon.

What makes you angry ?

What behaviour and words do you use when you are angry ?

I agree that the OP may well be a bully, but that does not alter the fact that her H may well also be a bully, and may have triggered her behaviour, quite intentionally. Or that she may well be reacting the way she does due to undiagnosed C-PTSD.

We don't know, but what she is posting is a common reaction from abused partners, who take on all the blame for the abuse they have been given.

I'm going on what she has posted, and my own experiences of appalling coercive control, abuse and years of being ground down until I didn't know which way was up.
I do not, normally, act in an abusive manner. In fact, I've spent 60 plus years of my life not being abusive. But in the last weeks of my first marriage to a physically, mentally, emotionally coercive control rapist bully, yes my actions could well have been seen in isolation as abusive to him.
They were not, I was defending myself as best I could with the very limited tools available (my voice, shouting at him to listen to me)

I've subsequently done The Freedom Programme and all subsequent follow up programmes, and worked with abused women to help them escape, and move on with their lives.

And I'd say the same if this were reversed sexes.

@Catmaiden it comes across to me, that you are projecting heavily onto this situation. Women abuse too. Women abuse their children, siblings and spouses.

It's entirely possible that the OPs husband is not abusive, is tired of the emotional abuse and has asked her to sort herself out. Which he has every right to do.

She has said here that she has been assessed and does not have any kind of mental health problem or personality disorder and, if you work in the field, should know that even if she did, that's no excuse.

The OP's mother is the same and the OP has gone no contact with her because of her behaviour. It's very possible that this is learned behaviour and she needs to learn new strategies when dealing with anger and stress.

Asking someone to 'calm down' because they are getting angry and losing their temper, is no excuse to see a 'red mist' and 'lose their rag'. She has admitted that her husband is tip toeing around her and trying to change himself so that he doesn't trigger aggressive outbursts.

She has admitted this yet you still insist she's the victim here. And I don't believe that you would make such excuses for a man's unreasonable behaviour because you are obviously biased.

Buy the book mind over mood.

You might find it helps you.

I dont think you've given enough information.
Can you given more detail about the arguments between you two? Are they about the same thing?

@1235kbm

She has admitted this yet you still insist she's the victim here. And I don't believe that you would make such excuses for a man's unreasonable behaviour because you are obviously biased.

💯%

There's far too many excuses being made here for the OPs behaviour, purely because she's female.

Him having to walk on eggshells, does not indicate he's abusive. He's remaining calm in face of raging, yet ppl have concocted their own narrative.

Anybody being told by their partner that they shouldn't feel the way they feel would get the same supportive response from me, regardless of their sex. And anybody who was in a situation where they felt they needed to be perfect in order for their partner to accept them.

If OP is a bully, then she is planning to leave in any case, which is the best thing for a bully to do, and she should be supported in this, and in getting some support to work out why she's doing it.

I don't think OP is a bully. I think OP is losing it, after having been told so many times not to have her feelings. It really does drive you nuts.

Yep.

@1235kbm
And telling a woman (me) who has experience of prolonged abuse, had recovery councelling , gone on to work in women's aid and related fields, worked for many years in the abuse recovery field, that she is projecting, when she comments calmly and factually, a differnt view to you?
I mean really, Wtf? Are you for real?

I suppose we're all projecting, really, given that we don't know all the full ins and outs of the situation, and have only heard one side.

So it was a bit of a pointless remark.

I'm pretty sure being stone walled like that would drive anyone crazy tbh

@Catmaiden You weren't stating 'facts' were you, it was conjecture.

A woman tells you that her husband is triggered over 'silly things' has a 'red mist' descend on him and she is changing herself and tip toeing around him so she doesn't trigger him - you're going to ask her if she thinks she's abusive? And you claim to work in domestic abuse?

Get another job.

It does sound like you are both better apart. I think we are less inclined to believe you are abusive because very few abusive people accept that they are abusive and want to find a remedy.

But whoever is at fault this is not a healthy relationship and you will both be better out of it.

Not everyone is projecting...I'm looking at what the OP has said herself.

I get frustrated at silly things, let them brew and eventually explode, but my behaviour and the words I use in my anger aren't acceptable.

He constantly trys to change and adapt to make things better and doesn't deserve these swings and moods

Admitting that i am abusive and someone feels they are walking on eggshells and can't do write for doing wrong is difficult.

It's not fair to hurt someone and expect them to accept it

I feel like she is being truthful and accepts she causes the issues with her behaviour....she is taking responsibility to a great extent, yet ppl are trying to convince her otherwise.

Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

OP.....do you think a relationship with him where you didn't live together would be better? There would be less issues to cause contention, with each of you responsible for your own households.

With a much more detailed discussion of behaviors (beyond the scope of this forum) it would be difficult to say who's "at fault" here. Probably neither one is and they are just incompatible and rub each other the wrong way.

Why does there have to be a victim? Why play find the bad guy? She's already leaving. To understand what happened and how to avoid it again, she will have to evaluate her partner's behaviour, if only to work out how to hear her own feelings and choose a different response in future. This could only be unhelpful to her partner if she was using it as a reason to stay on but she isn't.