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Original poster

Husband sending beyond flirty texts to ex

72 replies

Smillar2020 · 06/06/2020 11:44

Posting for a friend.
DH and I been married for 9 years, 2 DC. Recently found texts on his phone to an ex gf (think it was casual, not serious relationship). They were extremely flirtatious and reminiscing about the great sex they used to have. She said that she had recently split from her husband and joked about looking for an eligible bachelor and did he know anyone. He replied to let him know if his turn came around again. She said if he was back on the market she would consider it.
Friend is devastated. Appears to be no contact for almost a week now and she doesn’t think anything has actually happened. She isn’t sure whether to confront him or not. I’m not sure either. Any advice please?

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 07/06/2020 20:58

Maybe friend has let life get in the way of their relationship and sex life and that’s why he’s looking elsewhere.

Come on OP, between this comment about how your friend has "let" life get in the way of sex and that of a PP calling the woman a "slutty ex" we are dangerously close to absolving the married man in this scenario of any responsibility over his own actions, and penis.

MsDogLady · 07/06/2020 21:27

The OW who said she wouldn’t consider seeing him unless he was single again is responding to his very sexually orientated texts.

Maybe friend has let life get in the way of their relationship and sex life and that’s why he’s looking elsewhere.

Your friend is not responsible for her husband’s unethical behavior. He is choosing infidelity.

Greenkit · 07/06/2020 21:28

I honestly think she needs to sit him down and ask him about their relationship.

Is he happy?
Where does he see it going?
Is there anything he wants to change?

And then once he has had his say, pop the printouts on the table and say where do you see the OW featuring in all this?

I couldn't forgive this I'm afraid.

However she may want to talk it through and see if they can save the marriage, before he actually carrys it through.

TheBlueStocking · 07/06/2020 22:04

I'm not saying I wouldn't be upset by a partner saying this. I'm saying that I wouldn't know because I wouldn't invade their privacy. And that perhaps giving people their privacy prevents you from finding out things that will only hurt you unnecessarily.

category12 · 07/06/2020 22:18

What about the woman/man who is being lied to and gaslit by their partner, and they feel like they're going mad, because things their partner is doing and saying don't add up. Do you think "not knowing" isn't hurting them?

LittleWing80 · 07/06/2020 23:39

So do you think the answer is automatically divorce for every single instance of flirting? Is that realistic?

Except the title of the thread is not ‘flirting’ It is ‘beyond flirty’ and from the posts it’s actually sexting and trying to find out if there could be a chance for more. The line has been crossed here.

Are you saying you would be ok for your partner to conduct emotional affairs and other sexting as long as you never know about it? What about physical affairs with other women? Are they ok too as long as you don’t know?
I guess it’s your right but I don’t think the OP’s friend is in that type of relationship.

TheBlueStocking · 08/06/2020 11:11

No, I'm saying I wouldn't go through my partner's phone reading their messages because I don't see the point in being in a relationship with someone if you feel the need to do that.

And also, if someone does happen to have a flirty conversation with their ex during a long period of time and it's not something you want to break up over, do yourself a favour and don't read their messages looking for flirty conversations with other people.

SpiderStan · 08/06/2020 11:36

This is a sackable offence in my opinion. This is a no-no. He has created a huge gap in the walls of his marriage in the eyes of his ex and not only has he disrespected his wife and family, he has also made her look like a complete fool. This ex will never see his marriage as serious after this. He should have shut her down immediately and told her how happy he was with his family and that he is sorry to hear it didn't work out for her and her partner but "wish you all the best", etc.

LittleWing80 · 08/06/2020 14:18

And also, if someone does happen to have a flirty conversation with their ex

It’s not a flirty conversation is it? It’s sexting!

Why are you so adamant that cheating is ok as long as the cheated party is oblivious?

Whether she wants to break up over it or not is her decision to make but she has a right to know she is being made a fool of. We don’t know WHY ‘she felt the need’ to check her partner’s phone but clearly her gut feeling was right.

It’s fine for you not to stay in a relationship if you feel the need to check your partner’s phone and it’s ok to stay if he is merrily sexting around behind your back if that floats your boat. The OP’s friend is asking for advice from the perspective of someone who is not comfortable with cheating so I don’t see the point of having a go at her about she found out?

Yeahnahmum · 08/06/2020 14:43

This marriage is over. 😔

TheBlueStocking · 08/06/2020 14:51

The question isn't, is this cheating? It's what should the OP do about flirty texts. My answer is don't go looking for flirty texts. And bear in mind that what is said in a private conversation may in no means bear any relation to reality or lead into any huge overall effect on a long marriage.

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 15:49

The question isn't, is this cheating? It's what should the OP do about flirty texts. My answer is don't go looking for flirty texts.

That's not an answer though really as her question is what to do about the ones she's found. Saying don't look for them is advice on it not happening again, it doesn't address the question really. Perfectly valid advice but not answering the question either.

TippledPink · 08/06/2020 15:58

I would end my relationship over this. Totally inappropriate. I would never send texts like that to someone else if I was in a commited relationship where I loved the other person. So therefore I would assume my OH did not care about me if he did. And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about me!

She wouldn't have to go looking for flirty texts if there weren't any, simple! Don't send flirty texts!

Opentooffers · 08/06/2020 16:23

I can see how it's happened, though it doesn't excuse the behaviour, it seems a symptom of other things going on. The thing to look at is why the sex has dried up and why this has not been discussed or addressed in a year, it's a long time to ignore the elephant in the room. Do the texts pre date the sex drying up? I'm guessing not.
I think in this case, I'd take this as a warning, not necessarily mention it as what needs discussion is the dwindling sex life in general as it often goes hand in hand with general loss of connection. If they can reconnect, there may be hope, but if not, it's only a matter of time before he finds someone who does bite, looks like this one was just a singleton looking for an ego boost but does have some scruples about married men.

JudyGemstone · 09/06/2020 14:07

Do husbands ever leave their wives? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3933412-Do-husbands-ever-leave-their-wives

🤔

Original poster

Smillar2020 · 16/06/2020 19:51

More developments over the last week on this. Grateful for all of your input.

Friend’s H still texting OW. Borderline explicit messages about sex and how jealous he is of OW being single. He told OW his sex life is non existent and he wants to do all sorts to OW. She has responded very flirtatious but Still said she wouldn’t sleep with a married man. She also said married men don’t leave their wives. He said well you never know. OW didn’t respond, no further texts for a couple of days.

This has gone too far now no? I’m trying to get friend to print everything off to confront him.

OP posts:

TippledPink · 16/06/2020 21:58

Why would she even bother to confront? Just dump his arse!!

hellsbellsmelons · 17/06/2020 09:38

If she can, then I'd get his phone again and check in settings the battery usage.
I'll bet he's up to more than she thinks he is.
Why has the sex dried up?
That would worry me.
Is it him or her or a mix of both?
Kids in the way? He's a twat?
Either way, this needs to be addressed if she wants to remain in the marriage.
Personally, this would be a deal-breaker for me but it's not for everyone.
The longer it goes on though, the harder it will be to forgive this.
It's just way too disrespectful for me to put up with.
But she needs to do a bit more digging then confront.
It must so horrible for her.
Been there and got the t-shirt.
It's truly shit.

Cat112344 · 17/06/2020 11:37

As someone now going through a pretty rough patch with my OH, suspect cheating but no real evidence. My OH has been adding the woman who took his virginity absolutely ages ago and a few other women he’s slept with it’s not a nice feeling.

My advice is pretty similar to others keep quiet for now as he will definitely get better at hiding things. Some of lies he’ll come up with will be shocking. Tell her to get her independence. I’ve recently been out of work for a while after having 3 kids under 5 🤪 but I’ve recently applied for a few jobs (he works night shift a lot) and my mum has offered to help out when needed bless her... she needs to be comfortable financially and emotionally. X

Fleamaker123 · 17/06/2020 12:03

I don't think I could get past this. It would feel like I was married to a stranger. I would have to confront him.

It's interesting reading @TheBlueStocking.
I remember years ago my friend telling me if her husband was unfaithful, she wouldn't want anyone to tell her if they found out. She'd rather not know than have her family with two young children split up.

Belsoo · 17/06/2020 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isthisnothing · 18/06/2020 17:35

I don't think he has feelings for this woman or ever had. I think he had lots of carefree sex and that's what he's missing. It's not possible to say for definite if he would sleep with her in reality (although highly highly likely).

She sounds like she would like something more but not the casual thing they had before.

However, all this is irrelevant IMO because the line has already been crossed. It doesn't matter what his motivations are or what he would do if given a chance. The texts themselves are a massive betrayal. I could not move past it and would throw him out.

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