Husband sending beyond flirty texts to ex

[Smillar2020]

Posting for a friend.
DH and I been married for 9 years, 2 DC. Recently found texts on his phone to an ex gf (think it was casual, not serious relationship). They were extremely flirtatious and reminiscing about the great sex they used to have. She said that she had recently split from her husband and joked about looking for an eligible bachelor and did he know anyone. He replied to let him know if his turn came around again. She said if he was back on the market she would consider it.
Friend is devastated. Appears to be no contact for almost a week now and she doesn’t think anything has actually happened. She isn’t sure whether to confront him or not. I’m not sure either. Any advice please?

God that's awful! He's letting her know he's up for anything and your friend is rightly devastated.
There is no excuse at all for this and I would consider it cheating.
Unfortunately without the proof in front of him he will likely minimise as others have already said and she will believe what she wants to believe

I think this is why you don't go through someone's phone, personally.

I'd advise her to stop doing it. Flirty conversations might happen during a long marriage. It's pretty normal, although obviously not ideal. I would say he obviously didn't write those messages knowing she was going to read them!

Hes not even being subtle. He's saying he wishes he could take her on a date and how amazing shagging her is etc. Not being rude but not sure why you need to ask on here, it's obvious he's after this other woman and would jump at the chance to cheat.

Theblue - are you saying you would think it perfectly fine for your husband to be texting an ex saying how much he loved shagging them? In my book that's pretty low standards..

I would say he obviously didn't write those messages knowing she was going to read them!

Well no, but people shag their affair partners not knowing they'll get rumbled... doesn't change the fact what they're doing is wrong?

Flirty conversations might happen during a long marriage. It's pretty normal, although obviously not ideal.

Everyone has different standards and boundaries but that seems like a low bar to set. Not being bothered your partner is texting someone they used to shag, talking about how great the shagging was and that they wish they'd also dated them properly... dick move. I'd be gone because I wouldn't get the trust back from that.

Has the husband got prior form for this sort of thing?

I don’t think he was ever unfaithful before. Certainly no other contact with this OW since he got together with his wife shortly after they went their separate ways (9 years ago). Not sure how this OW even came back into his life. Perhaps they did have something all those years ago as it seems strange to reminisce about sex from so long ago. I know the H has had other partners but has (so I believe) never stepped out of line.

First thing is first get the screenshots of the convo sent to her phone so theres no denying that he was talking to this woman and confront him. Also, i would do a deeo dive into his messages and other social media accounts if possible because no doubt its not the first time hes had a wandering eye.

One option i would advise your friend to suggest marriage counselling after confronting him so she can find out the root of the problem as this seems like there may be an underlying issue here such as he wants more attention or just no longer wants to be in the relationship but maybe doesnt know how to say it.

Alternatively, if your friend feels like she can no longer trust him i think its time to call it a day no point waiting for him to cheat as it will hurt her more in the long run.

Looks like he’s going to be “back on the market” sooner than they thought!

I would definitely confront him. He might be married but he seems keen to start something up with her

if i was your friend, id tell the husband that youd seen the texts to his slutty ex, and are not fucking impressed, and if he thinks hes having his cake and eating it, then hes got another think coming because ive got my eyes open now, and the first inkling of any sort of nonsense and hes out on his arse and if he thinks hes not man enough for commitment and monogamy, then he should have decided that before the fucking wedding, not after.

I wouldnt immediately dump for a few flirty texts, but I would absolutely lose my shit at him so he was quite clear that im not interested in his juvenile games

I would be tempted to check up on him further to see if there is more women he’s trying to pursue.

Slutty ex seems harsh. I don’t think it’s the OW fault. Yes it’s not right if she’s actively encouraging it but definitely not to blame her. Friend doesn’t think there’s ever been any other women. Said she checked his Facebook and other messages and never had any other reason to believe he was unfaithful. This is why she is so shocked. Perhaps her H really does have feelings for this OW. Especially if the sex was “mind blowing” 🤨

Apart from slutty ex, I think @Branleuse has it in a nutshell!

I wouldnt actually think of her as slutty btw, i would be just using the word to push the point, but i guess im.just classy like that

I would remind your friend that it was the woman who told her husband that she wasn't interested while he was married, she didn't lead him astray as much as he wanted, she poured cold water on iit in the end.

Said she checked his Facebook and other messages and never had any other reason to believe he was unfaithful.

So, she's routinely checked his messages etc throughout their relationship?

She needs to stop reading his messages and going through his Facebook. I'd dump someone for that faster than I would for a flirty conversation. You can't just read someone else's private messages.

But don't you come at this from a very different perspective than people practising conventional monogamy, bluestocking?

If I had to confront someone over this behaviour I would know I'd married the wrong person.

Loyal people just don't behave this way.

No, I don't. I have two points; you shouldn't go through someone's phone, and people on occasion have an inappropriate conversation during a long marriage. Neither have anything to do with the concept of monogamy.

I have two points; you shouldn't go through someone's phone, and people on occasion have an inappropriate conversation during a long marriage. Neither have anything to do with the concept of monogamy.

Huh? Of course the second point undermines the concept of monogamy - one partner is having sexual conversations with someone outside of the relationship.

Monogamy is widely accepted as meaning having an exclusive sexual relationship.

Okay so friend found more explicit texts from a convo that happened all last night. The OW who said she wouldn’t consider seeing him unless he was single again is responding to his very sexually orientated texts. Reading the texts I don’t think she would act but he would. Not right that she’s giving him fuel for his fuel. Time for confrontation I think??

So do you think the answer is automatically divorce for every single instance of flirting? Is that realistic?

So do you think the answer is automatically divorce for every single instance of flirting? Is that realistic?

I personally don't, no, not on an instance of flirting.

However, if my partner was having sexually charged conversations (especially on an ongoing basis like this - not a one off mistake) with an ex (or anyone) then yes I would personally break up.

Nobody has said it's simple or automatic, you're making it sound as if they have but having a clear boundary and setting a bar doesn't mean it's easy to leave.

It's awful and upsetting and takes its toll on someone to break up with a partner who has hurt them. It doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

You are of course entitled to your opinion, if you'd stay with someone who was talking to someone they used to sleep with about how great it would be to fuck them again and date them again then that's fine.

It's just not a typical bar of what's acceptable in an exclusive relationship.

FWIW I agree with you regarding snooping, it's wrong and a huge invasion of privacy, and in my opinion only happens in relationships lacking in trust already. But the OP's mate has done it now and so people are responding based on what she already knows.

More texts..

He is losing himself in the fantasy and the chase and completely forgetting his wife and family.

I would printout and confront

@Greenkit I think you have nailed it. He is getting carried away with a fantasy which won’t materialise (I hope). I asked friend about their sex life and she said it had dried up over the last year. I remember her saying how good the sex was when they started dating, that he was amazing in bed etc. Maybe friend has let life get in the way of their relationship and sex life and that’s why he’s looking elsewhere.