My husband thinks I hate him

[molly2312]

Hi any people think they have any advice. To start with I love my husband very much but I'm obviously a screwed up mess, that started when I was young. My background is my family are nuts, my mam especially I grew up visiting her in the mental hospital and all she would do was scream and cry and expect me to be at her beck and call when she was having an off day. Some of the stuff she did back then would probably have resulted in us being taken off her but my dad kept most of it under wraps. My problem with my husband is I show him no affection, he has just told me he doesn't feel close to me at alland I always just reject him. I have been on Sertraline ofr akmost 10 years and I know that has knocked my libido, I never, ever want sex but I genuinely can't help that. Even if Tom Cruise walked in I'd say no thanks, pleasde don't touch me. Hubby says I am very stand offish and he is right but I didn't grow up in a cuddly happy house but he is right in that it's awful to treat him this way. He says I love the dog more than him and that he is just a member of the family, not someone I need. That's not true I love him with all my heart but I just don't show it. I am seeing a physciatrist as I wanted to kill myself awhile ago due to the GP dropping my ADs quickly because of the night sweats. I also don't want to be on them as I know I have no sex drive whatsoever. I know he is probably about ready to leave cause why should he go through his life like this but he says more than ever he just wants to be close to me but I can't give him what he deserves. I know I must seem like a right cow but I'm trying not to be, I suppose lockdown had brought it all on as he normally either works away or works alot of hours so we have been stuck together. I don't know what to do to make it right, please could someone try and help. Thank you xx

Molly, pls don't get in the set of mind that 'you have to get off them'. You are putyi g jndue pressure on yourself. You might be able to, you might not. For some people its for life, just as you would treat your heart or liver condition. Not saying it's necessarily your case, just try not to think of it as having to get off them. I tried for 6months, it didnt work, depression and anxiety returned, so I got back. I'll try again at some other time I think I am in a good enough place, but hoping for the best and preparing for the idea that it might not work.

Hi JustC, don't worry it's the thought that counts not the grammar!! only kidding Imake loads of mistakes for the same reason always too much to say too quickly and I never proof read anything I write x I need to get better and let my hubby know how much I do love him, I know it's not fair but I genuinely don't do it purposely. I just don't really know how to do it x

Well just gather up your courage and give it your best. It must have taken some courage from him as well to express what he was feeling without hurting you, so he might appreciate what it's taking for you to open up like this .

JustC, he felt awful but I said i'm glad he said it otherwise we might have been plodding along. Bless him, I honestly couldn't ask for nicer which is why it stinks that i'm screwed up xx

OP please stop saying that you're screwed up. You're not!

You need some help here to deal with your childhood, it can help to pick through the shit that it was. I had to do this some years back.

Like you I found it difficult to show emotion/love as it wasn't given to me growing up. Learning how to do that and what a normal relationship looked like took a little while to learn and master but I got there.

I spent around 20 years of my life on one, sometimes even 2 different anti- depressant or another and if I'm honest the majority of that was in a haze, numb, I simply functioned my way through life.

Around 4 years ago I'd had enough of feeling like this. I already knew that Anti D's were not tiny little miracles themselves, they'd restored my brain chemicals and that was that. - I'd put a lot of hard work in myself so I was ready!
It took me around 6 months to wean off sertraline. I'd already explained to my GP that I was going to do it but not on his terms (2 weeks tapering then stop) Nope that's not healthy for your brain and I'm unsure why some GP's seem to think it is. Anyway I came down from 200mg by starting to take them every 2 days for 2 weeks. I then went 150mg for 2 weeks then 100mg for 2 weeks then 50mg - at this point I could feel a difference - a few days in I began to get brain zaps (If you've came off long term AD's before you'll know what they are) some shakiness in my arms/legs and a little anxiety so I decided to stay at 50mg for a month or so at every other day. I kept telling myself it will pass and I will feel better....I then dropped down to 25mg every 2 days initially but after a few weeks I went to every 3rd day for ages.
While my GP supported my decision to do it slowly he informed me that he couldn't keep prescribing me Sertraline as the amount I was taking had became therapeutic (safety blanket) rather than a medical issue so he had to stop.
I planned when my last one would be and timed it so I was on holiday from work so if I did feel awful it would be ok.
You know what? I barely even noticed the stop. Afterwards I felt emotional and weepy sometimes but absolutely not depressed - it was just my 'real' feelings coming back that 'I'd suppressed with the AD's
If you feel you want to come off then go very slow to minimise side effects, be sure to tell your GP and don't be afraid to rethink and take them again if you feel you need them. It has to be your decision.
Your Psych Dr doesn't sound great I'd find another.
And obviously speak to your husband it, you'll need his support.

Hi FFsake, thanks for being kind but I do feel pretty screwed up at the minute. I just feel like I need to try coming down off them if I can. I do feel nothing most of the time and I feel like its throwing up more problems than it's solving. The night sweats have me ill I normally get changed 3 to 4 times a night and sleep on towels and use puppy pads and the constant headaches from all the fluid i'm using is awful too. I am constantly tired from all the broken sleep, it sounds trivial but after doing it for years I have had enough. I feel like a 90 yr old when i'm only half that. Thanks for replying xx

That sounds awful.
I hope you manage to drop down and that it sorts the night sweats out.

I had night sweats with the menopause but nothing bad as yours - they sound horrendous. You must be exhausted.

Are they a side effect of the meds you are on ? Is there nothing they can do to help you ?

It must seem a bit daunting with the prospect of your psychiatrist leaving, but in the meantime work out a plan with her about the tablets. Even though she's leaving will someone else take over? You can do this, but you need to really want to (and I think you do) and to dig deep within yourself. It might not happen overnight. Perhaps give yourself a realistic time scale to work towards.

Why not try a different med instead? There are loads. Your husband's top priority should be your mental health IMHO, not emotionally manipulating you.

I also don't want to be on them as I know I have no sex drive whatsoever

For God's sake please don't stop them for this reason, as from what you say you have quite major problems with your mood etc. When I was younger a bloke encouraged me to come off anti-depressants for the sake of my libido. I went through an absolutely miserable time which stayed with me for many years until I had EMDR therapy. I would be doing decorating and the tears were streaming down my face.

He definitely didn't get any more sex than he would've if I'd been on them.

I'm glad you're seeing a consultant. Please do nothing with your meds without their advice. There are hundreds of anti-depressants and other meds, they could try you on something else and it might have less of an effect on your libido.

I really don't like the idea of you coming off them, just because I'm worried for you, but I suppose it's up to you if you want to risk it. Please be willing to try another med if you start to struggle more after you stop them.

You had a traumatic childhood and you may also have a family vulnerability to mental health problems. Your health needs to be your top priority, not your husband's needs.

He sounds manipulative to me.

Manipulative? For expressing displeasure that's she has no interest in sex or physical intimacy? For merely suggesting she might consider getting off the anti-depressants? She said he's tried to be tactful. You're right, she shouldn't go off them except very slowly, if at all. But on the other hand, the current situation is making him very unhappy, and there is no telling when she might get better, if she ever does. Perhaps its best if they do separate. Maybe they can continue to be friends and he can support her that way.

Are you receiving any counselling/therapy regarding your upbringing?

There's a lot of advice here about the medication, but it sounds to me like you never knew what a loving family/relationship looked like, and your difficulty with hugging etc may be rooted in that? It might be worth looking into something like EMDR.

Oh FGS, she did not say he is pressuring her to have sex. The lack of sex was part of the problem, yes. But also lack of showing affection. And long term, of course we all want affection and sex in a marriage. He talked to her, he didn't have a shouting rant at her. At least that's what she's describing.

I sometimes struggle with intimacy after childhood abuse. I really get the urge to freeze when someone wants to hug. Can you demonstrate your love in non physical ways. These can be small gestures of love like bringing DH a cup of tea, or pick him a flower, or buy him his favorite chocolate bar etc. He knows you're struggling but he's suffering to, try to find different ways to communicate your love and appreciation for each other.

I think he's laying it on thick with the emotional stuff 'you treat me like you love me less than the dog' or whatever, and of course that is going to make the OP feel a pressure to do what he wants.

One of the reasons I chose to come off mine was lack of libido! Not even just that - lack of anything including orgasms!
Nowhere in op's post does she say her dh is pressuring her!
She may well want to do this for herself, you know for HER sexual enjoyment!

Hi there , just reading through your thread and it sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time .I haven't read all of it but I think you have a lot of different issues all converging and maybe setting each other off .

Issue one

Your relationship with your mother , how deep are you in this? Have you got counselling for the abuse and are you planning to get more ? Have you got strategies in place to cope with this?

Issue 2

The ongoing mental health problems ,. Have these been properly diagnosed and accurately pinpointed . My doctor said I was depressed when I very clearly had c-ptsd . Have you been referred to a professional? Are you in counselling , do you practice self care to try and help it . My self care went out the window when I was ill.....

Issue 4

The antidepressants , this sounds horrific, are you being monitored and do you have an ongoing plan for it all? Do you keep a diary or side effects that type of thing.

Issue 4

Lack of intimacy . Now I believe that anyone with a healthy upbringing would be struggling with this just now . You say it's something that has always been a problem but I think this is something that will come much easier when you've looked at everything else.

Issue 5

You believe your husband deserves better . You offer more than just sex or intimacy to him or he would have left years ago . Trust in this relationship and use it for strength to look at each of your issues in turn.

Just some thoughts . I know I may be off base . You are going through a lot , be kind to yourself Xxxx

Hi everyone who left messages. We have had a couple of bad days as hubby not well so I’m sorry for not replying. I will come back and let you know how things are. They are better. Thanks for everyone who messaged me xx

Hi Molly, sorru to hear he's not very well. But glad things are hoing better otherwise, and iou sound a bit more positive. Fingers crossed they keep getting better.

Hi Molly, hope things are a bit better for you and you've got your meds sorted out x

You sound very self aware and your husband sounds kind. Those are huge advantages and blessings. May I ask how old you are? Could you be going through menopause along side your other health issues?

Apologies. Missed that your husband unwell, hope he's on the mend. This changes the dynamic, however temporarily, you are clearly being there for him and I'm certain he will appreciate this and see it as you demonstrating how important he is to you.