My husband thinks I hate him

[molly2312]

Hi any people think they have any advice. To start with I love my husband very much but I'm obviously a screwed up mess, that started when I was young. My background is my family are nuts, my mam especially I grew up visiting her in the mental hospital and all she would do was scream and cry and expect me to be at her beck and call when she was having an off day. Some of the stuff she did back then would probably have resulted in us being taken off her but my dad kept most of it under wraps. My problem with my husband is I show him no affection, he has just told me he doesn't feel close to me at alland I always just reject him. I have been on Sertraline ofr akmost 10 years and I know that has knocked my libido, I never, ever want sex but I genuinely can't help that. Even if Tom Cruise walked in I'd say no thanks, pleasde don't touch me. Hubby says I am very stand offish and he is right but I didn't grow up in a cuddly happy house but he is right in that it's awful to treat him this way. He says I love the dog more than him and that he is just a member of the family, not someone I need. That's not true I love him with all my heart but I just don't show it. I am seeing a physciatrist as I wanted to kill myself awhile ago due to the GP dropping my ADs quickly because of the night sweats. I also don't want to be on them as I know I have no sex drive whatsoever. I know he is probably about ready to leave cause why should he go through his life like this but he says more than ever he just wants to be close to me but I can't give him what he deserves. I know I must seem like a right cow but I'm trying not to be, I suppose lockdown had brought it all on as he normally either works away or works alot of hours so we have been stuck together. I don't know what to do to make it right, please could someone try and help. Thank you xx

Awh I can understand this...my mother was so I affectionate as well. I know you said you’re seeing a psychiatrist, is that to talk about wanting to take your life? I think you need some therapy to really talk about your childhood and past, trust me it really really helps and your husband will appreciate that you’re trying to do something about it. Good luck💗

Hi, thanks for replying. I have to see the Pysc as the GP is scared I will try and do it again when I'm coming down off the tablets, so I have to see her as they lower my doseage. To be honest she has never said/asked too much as I have only seen her a few times.

Have you tried to take your own life ? Do you have a plan ?

I don’t mean tell me what your plan is BTW- just asking if you have one ?

Do you have any support from family or friends ?

First of all hugs. Well your psych and GP sound useless. My GP truly talked to me every time we adjusted/changed meds. And it wasn't even the same Dr each time as appointments are dff to get at our clinic. It does soundnlike you need to have talks with a counsellor on top if the medication. I lost my libido initially for about 6 months, but there were still affectionate gestures, as I wasnt struggling with what you ate describing. Completly understand why it does not naturally to you. Do you think you can make it a conscious effort to try a show the affection? Like a hug here and there, a quick peck on cheek or lips sometimes. Honest question, as I can't tell if it truly upsets you to show affection, or it's just not something you think about. If you can do these things, talk to him and say this is what you can guve now, and gradually try to build to intimacy. And again hugs, just because you are struggling.

You should try marriage counselling.

Hi Cora, thanks for your concern. I haven't wanted to take my life before but I had been on 200mg of Sertraline for about 8 years and the GP stopped them because of the night sweats. They dropped them from 200mg to 0mg in 2 weeks ansd the guy from the mental health team at our hospital said that should never have happened, I was making dinner and had a sharp knife and just thought I could do away with myself and everything would feel better. It was a reaction to the tablet change but ever since then I have gone drastically downhill, I haven't seemed right since then. Now my GP says I have to see the phsciatrist to be able to take the tablet sdown gradually. I think the GP got a bit of a shock when they realised what had happened and are now terrified I will do it again. xx

Hi JustC, thanks fro replying. I know it seems so odd to other people as to most it comes naturally to hug your family but I'm just not like that, I do want to be but it doesn't come easily, it doesn't upset me as such but my hubby says I just kind of stand there like a statue, I must sound the most awful person in the world. Sorry I just don't know what to bloody do anymore, I'm lucky, very lucky that my hubby tries to understand but I think it's all just come to a head because he's at home all the time. Thank you for taking time to try and help xx

Jesus from 200 to 0?! For night sweats? Not they are not a setious symptom, but going to 0 is extreme. I got some tremors when first put on 70, and was adjusted to 50 after about a week of the tremors. Pls seek someone else to help, I am no expert but going fron 200mg to 0 sounds really crazy. you do not sound horrible at all, just struggling. So you, just make a concious effort I guess(also trying to huv back), and have a discussion that you are trying. Also maybe he can help by asking when he needs a hug, a handhold a kiss. Wondering if the lack of hugging back when it does happen, might be a sign of also being a bit in the autism spectrum. Had a uni colleague (a milion years ago), who was on the spectrum, but not severe. For him hugging back or responding to affectionate gestures was something learned, it was not a natural reaction. He did feel affection and liked recieving it, the manifesting of it was a learned process. Anyways, your medical support needs sorting. If you are willing and it sounds like you are, you can gradually do this. Hope your other half is also willing to suport youbin this. But the main effort will have to be you, for youself, nit just for him. You should want to this for yourself, not (just) for him.

Sorry for typos, lots to say and kid interrupting.

Any chance you can change your GP? They sound completely lacking in knowledge about ADs. If you aren't up to dealing with that at the moment, at least ask for counseling to help you deal with your unresolved childhood trauma. You'll have to try to talk to your DH and explain like you explained to us, that you know you don't show affection in the way you'd like but you are trying to get help and support.

Hi JustC, yeah I figured the huge drop was a rubbish idea when the guy at the hospital went nuts and said he was sending my GP a strongly worded email about why they would do that to someone who has been on that dose for years, I presume that's why they are nervous and made me see the pysc to come down off them. I know I need to try harder to get hubby to understand, he really does try. I just think I have so much stuff going on that I don't know where to start xx

I think the thing is, even if your husband does understand the reasons why, ultimately it sounds like the relationship doesn't meet his emotional needs anymore.

Could you go to marriage counselling together?

I hope you don't mind me saying but I will never ever touch sertraline ever again. There is a side effect to them of suicidal thoughts. When I was on them (I was only on them fully for ten months then 3 months weaning off like half dose) and I've never felt as suicidal in my life as when I was coming off of them. My mind dropped like a piano crashing through a ceiling (odd analogy but imagine the noise and crash) and it just stayed there. It was awful. I had no support from the docs. No one phoned me up to see how I was doing. No one medically supported me. I have anxiety and it was given for that. Is there any chance it could be changed to another less harsh antidepressant? It absolutely killed my libido too. Just letting you know it might not be your mind, it could actually be the side effects that made you want to commit suicide. I have a history of mental illness in my family too.

Also it made me feel very flat emotionally. This could also be contributing.

In my experience GPs do not know a lot about antidepressants, in particular how to come off them safely, I was told to come off 30mg Mirtazapine by taking one tablet every other day for a week and then stop completely. I was a wreck and after about 6 days on the verge of a breakdown and thinking of suicide. I don’t actually have severe mental health problems either, I was depressed and anxious due to issues in my work and personal life years ago which have been resolved for a number of years. GPs just don’t seem to understand how to taper off meds safely, my issues while coming off were withdrawals from coming off too quickly and not a return of my depression as my GP insisted, I’ve successfully halved my dose over a long period of time with no issues at all, been on 15mg for over a year now no problems. Night sweats are a common side effect of sertraline and are not dangerous or severe enough to justify coming off a high dose cold turkey. My advice would be to see a different GP or a specialist in mental health and try a different antidepressant. I also had night sweats and major issues sexually while on sertraline, which my GP put down to me being depressed despite me saying repeatedly I do not feel depressed any more, I switched to Mirtazapine and it’s been wonderful, can’t recommend it enough.

Oh I also had issues even getting on Mirtazapine as my GP at the time insisted that it’s not an antidepressant and is for treatment of schizophrenia (not true), that I would almost certainly develop kidney damage and need regular blood tests (also not true), when I politely challenged him and said I had done my research and I’m an NHS scientist so can understand medical literature and never come across this, he took out the BNF tried to prove me wrong, couldn’t, then gave me a prescription, slammed it on the desk and told me to get out as I’ve got what I wanted. So yeah I do not trust GPs with mental health issues any more.

You sound very sensible to me, and have a very good understanding of what you are like and why. So, that's a very good place to start. You have got all the makings of turning your life around. Get the anti depressant side of things sorted. As you know gradually lower the dose. Hopefully you won't have anymore of those episodes, but I think you have enough control over yourself not to do anything. I think you've got to let go of the past as much as you can. With a lower dose of tablets maybe your feelings will return, I haven't been on them myself, but they suppress feelings. Do you really want to be more expressive in your feelings or aren't you really bothered? Tackle one thing at a time. Firstly, I would adapt to the tablets, but also tell your husband how much you do love him, even if you may not show it.

First off, get your medication sorted and your MH stable before attempting to deal with your marriage problems. Explain to your DH now that you love him very much and care greatly about how he feels, but that you need to get well before you both address the affection issue. Be open with him and keep him updated on your progress.

Once you are well enough to start making changes to your relationship a relationship counsellor might be a good idea.

He isn't doing anything wrong though, he is a private person and this isn't his fault so I'm not sure this would be the answer x

Opal I think, just like with any meds, diff ssri' work diff in each person. It is a bit of a guessing game untill they get the right med at the right dossage. I startey on ciyalopram, dr advised me first few weeks migh be wors3, and it was true. My suicidal tendancies grew, had vivid nightmares etc, but after a while settled down. after a couple of years switched to sertraline as my anxietty was making me agressive. It worked. After a fouple more years switched back to citalopram as depression was taking center again and anxiety was a bif better. Currently still on citalopram 20mg, i prefer a l9wer dossage, even though I still react a jit agreassive in anger, but being on 50mg made feel too...flat. less prone to nlow up, but less truly happy as well, less l8vido etc. Like all emotions were subdued, not just depression and anxiety. It's very important to keep an objective eye on yourself I think. Si my experience with Seryralibe was ok. My point is, we shouldn't assume if it didbt work for X, it wont work for Y either. Hope you are in a better place now. Hugs

Ob God, the typos. The meds was talking about are Citalopram and Sertraline.

Sorry Matt and your hair I didn't mean the above comment for you it was directed at the first person who mentioned marriage counselling,

It's ok, I didn't think it was for me

However, I also suggested relationship counselling once you are ready. Relationship counselling isn't about aportioning blame, it's about learning to communicate successfully and work through issues positively. A lot of people don't know how to do this as their relationship role models as children were dysfunctional. A good counsellor will help you address problems and come up with methods to improve things without getting sidetracked or going round in circles.

Hi Engaged again, thanks for that reply and very clear mind. I also hope it won't happen again and that I won't have any issues. I did ask my husband to do something the day I thought I was going to take my life but I didn't so I think your right in respect of I knew kind of that I didn't want to actually do it, bloody scary with a knife in your hand though. I have been told by my phsyciatrist that she is finishing her training so she is leaving at the end of July so she wants me to drop the doseage again before she goes. I have to admit this is making me worry slightly but I need to try and get off them, so I'll just have to bite the bullet xx

EEh Matty hair, you have no idea just how disfunctional.I just found out a couple of years ago my mother has been having an affair with my fathers best friend, for 22 years!!! she is an awful person who lies an awful lot and it still manages to be my fault. You are totally rightin that my upbringing was wrong, my lovely hubby is from a loving, cuddly family, the total opposite to mine. thank you.