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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My gf is distant with me but says shes fine

31 replies

Andy85 · 05/06/2020 13:36

Hi. Basically there are a lot of details to this which I wont go into but basically my gf has become very distant with me.
I have tried talking to her about it and asking her how she feels. She always says she is fine and we are good and there is nothing wrong. She claims I am too sensitive and needy. But in the last 2 weeks we havent had an easy conversation.. one that isn't small talk. I cant get her to open up. She loves me and wants to be with me but she just doesnt seem interested. She doesn't recognise that we have an issue and doesnt seem to care how i feel about it. I am thinking about leaving but I love her.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 05/06/2020 13:48

Hi Andy85, There isn't really enough information in your post. What makes her say you are too sensitive and needy?
Do you live together? How long have you been together?

Menora · 05/06/2020 13:51

It sounds like she is telling you what is wrong, by telling you that you are needy and too sensitive she’s backing off because she feels pressure. Is she being cruel when she says this? How much do you bother her with your worries? Is she struggling to keep up with giving you reassurance?

You need to be honest - it sounds like you are looking for more and more things but maybe aren’t listening to her

I think it isn’t nice to hear you are being needy and sensitive, it can often be because you feel insecure. Is there anything making you feel this way and what impact could it be having?

Crystalspider · 05/06/2020 13:58

Some people won't admit to their true feelings, if you feel she's distant and doesn't seem interested then follow your gut feeling it could well be that shes having second thoughts about your relationship but doesn't to break up either because she doen't want to hurt you.

I don't know how long you've been together but if she doesn't seem interested in making future plans with you and generally being excited about your relationship then to be honest its not a great sign.

Original poster

Andy85 · 05/06/2020 14:25

We dont live together. We have been together on and off for over a year. She has 3 kids and I have 1. She does struggle to give me reassurance. With 3 kids, she likes her space. But i dont. I feel rejected a lot.
She often criticises things I do or say which feels like an attack at my personality. And when I dont take it well she says I'm too sensitive. Sometimes I tell her I love her and she wont say it back, then she says im too needy.
She has split up with me 3 times (mostly to do with her own self doubt and wanting to be by herself) and the last time I took her back we talked about a lot of this stuff. This time it feels different, I really do believe she wants to be with me. I told her she can always tell me how she feels and if she ever needs space she should tell me and I will give it to her.
My problem is when she is being distant I ask her if shes ok, if she needs space, she says shes in a good mood, and chatty mood, yet when I try to make a conversation I get short sharp answers.
So maybe I am too needy and too sensitive. I cant change who I am. Are we just too different? In every other way we are perfect for each other. But this seems like a fundamental difference.
Basically I want lots of love and affection and she wants lots of space.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 05/06/2020 14:33

It doesn't sound like you're compatible. You've had a year. It's not working. Call it a day and move on.

wildone84 · 05/06/2020 14:34

Sounds like she might have an avoidant attachment style

Original poster

Andy85 · 05/06/2020 14:37

So how do I get her to come back to me?

If I recognise I'm being too needy or intense and I back off, what next? I've barely spoken to her in the past few days. Do I just continue that and hope she speaks to me? If I try to start a conversation I know it will be met with an uninterested response and the convo will be stale. It's just become like drawing blood from a stone with her now.

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 05/06/2020 14:38

Oh my god it shouldn't be this hard - you need to break up and move on.

She loves me and wants to be with me but she just doesnt seem interested. She doesn't recognise that we have an issue and doesnt seem to care how i feel about it. I am thinking about leaving but I love her.

I think she wants to end it but either doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' or is worried about your reaction (as you said she thinks you're over sensitive) if she does it so she's backing off and closing down in the hope you'll end it.

You say you love each other but this isn't love. It's drama and incompatibility. This isn't what a healthy relationship looks like, at all.

It doesn't even matter why - you just aren't compatible and you've given it a year but it hasn't worked out. Not the end of the world. Time to move on!

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2020 14:38

Neediness is deeply unattractive. It sounds like you've found yourselves caught in a situation where she is a little cold, you're needy, that makes her more cold, you more needy.

I think the relationship isn't going to last. I don't think either of you can change.

Crystalspider · 05/06/2020 14:39

Your peronailties are not compatible just because you love her it doesn't mean it's right. Why keep taking her back 3 times only for her to be moody and unloving.
All the time you put up with this your denying yourself someone better or at least compatible.

easterbrook · 05/06/2020 14:42

Sorry to say this, but you may be wasting your time on this relationship.

Original poster

Andy85 · 05/06/2020 14:46

Avoidant attachment style is something I only discovered by researching the first time we split up. I think she definitely does. And I think I have an anxious attachment style. Doesnt mean we cant love each other and make it work.

The thing is, the first 7 months were perfect. I've never been happier in my life and i dont think she has either. Then we split up and over 5 months between splitting up and getting back together I dont think she ever truly didnt want to be with me. Her head was just a mess. We have been back together over a month now. I know she wants to be with me. And I want to be with her.

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 05/06/2020 14:57

I know she wants to be with me. And I want to be with her.

But they are just words. The fact is, it isn't working and it isn't healthy. In only a couple of posts you've already explained that:

she is distant
she says you're too needy
she says you're too sensitive
she won't open up
she won't say there's a problem
she won't make small talk
she likes space, you don't
you feel rejected frequently
she has left you three times

And you say "Basically I want lots of love and affection and she wants lots of space."

How can you possibly think this will work?

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2020 14:59

If those first 7 months were perfect, why did you split up?

Sounds like it's over as far as she is concerned, sorry. She's just waiting for you to get the message.

Menora · 05/06/2020 15:00

if you aren’t going to break up with her the only advice I have is stop bloody chasing after her. Stop asking her questions. Stop trying to find out what’s wrong. But it’s not going to be easy for you to do this at all, and it kind of looks and feels like game playing although it’s just called ‘detachment’. You need to stop looking to her to make you feel secure. I mean who would you ask if you were single? You need to try to get to the state of mind where you are happy to talk if she approaches you with a problem but you are busy and occupied enough that you are not over thinking and analysing her. You also will have a lot more to talk about if you spend time apart doing your own things.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2020 15:00

Doesnt mean we cant love each other and make it work.

Well at the moment it clearly doesn't work. Hope isn't going to do it. You could try pretending to be someone you're not. Very unhealthy and unlikely but that's really your only option if you want to flog this dying relationship for another few months.

Or you could leave, find someone compatible and be happy.

Menora · 05/06/2020 15:01

It could be that the girlfriend really thought that OP would back off so gave him another chance, and OP thought she would warm up

But they have both gone back to their natural styles which don’t match up

category12 · 05/06/2020 15:04

It's easy for the first few months to be "perfect" - you're both in the throes of new relationship energy and it's all very exciting and interesting. But as the dust settles, you discover that there are problems and incompatibility.

It's pretty clear that she's got different priorities and expectations, and you'd be better off ending things as that makes you unhappy. You're not on the same page. You're not compatible.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2020 15:08

Oh, and quite often when a woman says she's 'fine' through tight lips, it actually means that she is very far from fine and anyone who understands her and her workload and how her mind is working should be able to tell from a hundred yards why this is.

So is it maybe that you can see what's wrong, but you are choosing not to because you love her and desperately hope this is not the case?

wildone84 · 05/06/2020 15:22

As someone who has been in a relationship with avoidants, (and fell into the anxious attachment style as a result), I can tell you that this dynamic is really difficult. Find someone else who can give you the reassurance and affection you need, rather than having to fight for it.

wildone84 · 05/06/2020 15:22

You can't force someone to open up.

1forAll74 · 05/06/2020 15:25

As you don't live together, maybe you should just take a break from this situation, and see how things pan out. You both have different needs at the moment, and both cannot connect together for various reasons.

Don't feel rejected, just accept that things don't always go as well as you think they should if you are both on different emotional levels.

Treacletoots · 05/06/2020 15:29

It shouldn't be this hard. Honestly. Stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole and find someone who is compatible.

A relationship is supposed to improve your life, not make you feel like you've got to 'work' or change yourself to make the other happy.

Gobbycop · 05/06/2020 15:44

Yeah back right off.

Don't bother contacting her and see what happens. That'll give you your answer.

noyoucannotcomein · 05/06/2020 16:01

So you've split up 3 times in 13 months?

This is not sustainable, OP. You have 4 kids between you. You need to give this up for everyone's sake.

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