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Original poster

Female friend and holiday

56 replies

lamaspyjamas · 05/06/2020 13:34

My DP of just over a year has just announced that he's going on holiday when lockdown is lifted - with a single woman! I am totally stunned, surely he can see this is not acceptable?

OP posts:
Runmybathforme · 05/06/2020 14:40

I’d be showing him the door for even considering this.

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 15:02

I can't get time off work in the next 2 months so couldn't go

As they're having to wait anyway, I think they could wait till you could go.

walkingchuckydoll · 05/06/2020 15:14

I tried to be cool with an ex who went for drinks late at night with a female friend. They now have two kids together and cohabit in the house that I originally bought. I'm not going to be cook again. DH can have linch with his married female friend but I know where and when so there's no hiding anything. He understands why.

walkingchuckydoll · 05/06/2020 15:14

Cook=cool

SandyY2K · 05/06/2020 15:18

Those saying to say you'd like to go or ask him to wait until you can get time off...is not the advice I'd give.

He doesn't want you on this holiday...he informed you...he's not inviting you and his friend would seem like a third wheel if you came. I also don't see that he needs to discuss it with you.

However, you have every right not to be okay with it. You just need to make a decision independent of trying to tell him what to do.

In his mind he doesn't see an issue...I'm not sure I'd want to waste my time explaining my feelings to a BF I didn't live with.

I would want to see if he'd be fine if you went away with a male friend though...make it sound like a real possibility and not a hypothetical scenario. See if he displays double standards here.

Do you see a future with him? Is this something he would do if you were living together or married?

TwentyViginti · 05/06/2020 15:22

I'd be stunned if a DP of a year pulled that one! I'd feel somehow 'lesser' if he couldn't wait until I was free to holiday with him.

terriblyangryattimes · 05/06/2020 15:25

I think for me it would really depend on how much you know her and how much you trust him.

My husband went on holiday for 4 days last year to a snow resort with a girl who had been his host in a ski chalet the year before when he went with friends. They had added each other on facebook and kept in touch. They went together the next year to cut costs. I hadn't met her but knew of her, she is 8 years his junior. It really didnt bother me as it meant I didnt have to endure a ski holiday. However he did ask me first if I minded, and I trust him- I actually think even if he did want to try anything on he would be too awkward/body conscious to even try. I also made sure I got a holiday with friends in return.

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 15:26

Those saying to say you'd like to go or ask him to wait until you can get time off...is not the advice I'd give.

Sandy- I'm not saying she should say that to her OH. I'm saying that's what he should do without having to be asked, as most blokes in a couple I think would. Or even if there were another one or two people going with him rather than just this girl, it'd feel better.

I would want to see if he'd be fine if you went away with a male friend though...make it sound like a real possibility and not a hypothetical scenario. See if he displays double standards here

Maybe he'd say he'd be ok with it knowing OP would be unlikely to do it.

Pebblexox · 05/06/2020 15:38

If you aren't comfortable with it, then you need to tell him that.
The fact that he's insistent on going straight away when you can't go with, probably wouldn't sit right with me.

Windyatthebeach · 05/06/2020 15:43

Relaxing...
Netflix and chilling op?

HollowTalk · 05/06/2020 15:44

You'll get people on here saying that's OK but I don't know any woman who'd put up with that, OP.

Bagelsandbrie · 05/06/2020 15:46

No way whatsoever would I be happy with this!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 05/06/2020 15:51

I've been on holiday with a Male friend absolutely platonic , we were both single and the country we went to is the kind of place where single women get hassled but is a very interesting place , so he was my fake husband! He was ok with that as he really wanted to go there too.
I know he wouldn't have gone if he was in a relationship as he is a nice respectful guy.

Windyatthebeach · 05/06/2020 16:56

So his first thought lockdown lifting is spending it with someone else...
What a twat.
Not even lifted and is in his thoughts.
He has got it bad op..
Sadly not for you..

Crystal87 · 05/06/2020 17:00

No way would I accept that, but you'll be told by some that it's controlling.

BigBreakfast · 05/06/2020 17:02

I have a very close male friend and we probably spend time together that others may roae an eyebrow at, e.g.when we go to events we leave early and get back early hours of the morning ing but I'd never stay overnight with him. I just don't think it would be fair to either of our partners. I might consider it if there was a group of us but not just the two of us.

In a world where holiday time and money is limited the idea that a fairly new partner would have someone (anyone) they'd rather go away with than you says something's not right to me.

Elieza · 05/06/2020 17:02

Hell no with bells on.

He hasnt even asked you to go on holiday but it’s ok to ask a mate? He can get to F.
That’s not even considering the mate is female.
You are clearly not a priority in his life. I can imagine you’ll be having a good convo about where your relationship is going. Get the ducks orderly prior though.

BlingLoving · 05/06/2020 17:39

I think that in most situations, this wouldn't be okay. There are a few variables that only you and he can know.

Eg is this woman his best friend and/or have they regularly gone away together in the past? I mean, if that's the case, it's hard to see how this is any different. But, I imagine that's unusual. I have male friends and in the past, when we were all single, I've been away with some of them. However, it wasn't something we did often and it just sort of naturally stopped when we all got partnered up because quite frankly, if you're only taking one weekend away a year without your partner, it's probably only going to be for a hen do or stag do ir a hobby or with your best friend.

Also what is their relationship like and are you comfortable with it? I have a couple of male friends I'ms till close with from before DH and I met. I speak with and meet up with for dinner with both of them, alone and with DH depending on the day. One I would never even consider going away with and DH would find it odd. The other one I could imagine a situation where perhaps both of us wanted to attend an event and so we went together. And DH would be fine with it. But, without going into endless boring detail, that's because of the relationship and the individuals concerned.

Mum4Fergus · 05/06/2020 17:46

I have a long weekend away with my best (male)) friend every year...started about 6 years before meeting my now DH Confused none of us even think twice about.

achillesratty · 05/06/2020 17:54

Nope wouldn't put up with that. My best friend of 35 years is male, we go for lunch or dinner, to the theatre or exhibitions as we share the same interests but I would never go away with him not because anything would happen but I would not disrespect his wife that way. It's obvious neither of them care about you, I would not do this to another woman.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/06/2020 17:59

I know one friend with a male friend who would do this and trust me nothing would ever happen.

I also have a friend whose bf did this but it was him a bloke and this girl, the bloke disappeared mid holiday and low and behind they got together and he dumped my friend “but nothing ever happened on the holiday” Hmm

jeaux90 · 05/06/2020 18:03

It really depends on the circumstances. I've been single for years until recently. I ski with one of my best mates who is male. His wife is cool with it because she knows we are mates and she hates skiing. But this is the point, you are allowed to raise concerns and have the conversation and not be cool with it.

VanCleefArpels · 05/06/2020 18:05

A lot of assumption here that she’s heterosexual

TorkTorkBam · 05/06/2020 18:11

DP after one year including weeks of lockdown.

This sounds like he regards you as the current girlfriend not his partner.

Crystalspider · 05/06/2020 18:25

Yes very strange and not to wait for you to join them, seems very eager to get away with her.

I don't think anyone with any sense would put up with this.