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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What should I do after my boyfriend only said "Happy birthday" and nothing more?

54 replies

Raquellezxx · 05/06/2020 12:07

My boyfriend always says he is extremely in love with me, loves me, wants to have a family with me and spend his lifetime with me. We are in a long distance relationship (we planned to see each other) but I start feeing like I've made lots of sacrifices and he still does things even though I have asked him not to.
On my birthday, I didn't expect gift but at least wishes from him manifesting his love making me special on my birthday. In return, while EVEN STRANGERS wished me tons of things, my boyfriend who actually got the gift of the gab creating long posts on social media, only said "Happy birthday'' plus emoji which made me feel awful. I am not materialistic but when I remember the fact months ago, he himself wanted to send me a gift and since I wasn't comfortable, we had a deal that he can send present to me if I forward one to him too. The result - I sent him present and he actually never did making excuses that he didn't have time for months while buying stuff for himself! Since I'm not materialistic, I forgot this and didn't pay attention but now when he didn't even give me a single wish, care, and "I love you" on my b-day, I began seeing this situation diffrrently.
When I shared with him how I felt on my special day, he was so surprised acting like ''2 more words mean nothing'' saying things like ''Sorry for not making you happy on your b-day" but he didn't mean that it was kinda sarcastic as if he got MAD AT ME? When I said that he made me sad he only wished me a goodnight and almost hung up, leaving me with feeling that I'm petty and ungrateful.. He ruined my special day and my notion for him because yes, everyone has a different way to express his love but he usually loves saying bombastic words and on my special day, while I didn't even expect material things and just love and care, he didn't even put a single effort and treated me like a stranger.
What hurts the most is that although I know I shouldn't believe men's words but actions, I actually did as initially, he seemed different. Not a womanizer, like most of the boys I have known, kind, thoughtful, caring. When we talk, everything is fine - we laugh, talk sweet things, share. But BEFORE the conversation it's me waiting him and staying up late pretending that I am not sleepy because I am happy when we talk. Although I am working now and he is not. Almost every time we talked, he was playing games saying that he can still talk to me.
I have told him it was really hard for me to stay up that late asking him just to wake up a bit earlier so that we can have more time to communicate. He said it was difficult to change his sleeping schedule and he will try but that is just not happening. There were times when after waiting him to call me, I finally suggest him to talk thinking that he is been busy so far and he's asked me is it okay if it's in 30 minutes for example, because he is still watching a movie or playing a game that would finish that time. And thus, I realized that when he woke up or going to bed, his first thing to do is play or watch something and just after that, it's me. And he even plays when we talk even then not giving me his full attention while I have always done the opposite... The simple things I wanted didn't happen.. and they are actually not very simple. Should I finally leave him after this situation, the lack of care and understanding plus his behaviour because I know that although he claimed that he was afraid of losing me and all those stuff, when we have had little fights, he almost never reached out first. I know that even now when it's his fault he still don't text, being super active on social media as if nothing happened while I lost appetite, cry and have nightmares.. he won't say sorry and even text me again until I text first?

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/06/2020 12:10

Ditch this loser and find a normal person Smile

Baseline2815 · 05/06/2020 12:12

Get rid of him. If he can't bring himself to be lovely to you now, it will be much worse as time goes on.

TwentyViginti · 05/06/2020 12:14

Yeah, nope. Next!

daisypond · 05/06/2020 12:14

Ditch him.

Lsquiggles · 05/06/2020 12:15

How old are you both? You both sound too immature for a relationship, sorry Confused

Astella22 · 05/06/2020 12:17

It all sounds very one sided, you should probably start to think about what benefits you do get from him in this relationship and if your not happy then start to think about yourself and how you can find what you are looking for long term.
It’s completely normal to want to feel special to your significant other and especially so on your birthday.

Years ago on my birthday an x reached out to give me my birthday present and when I tried to take it he pulled it back, he did this a few times making me feel grabby and selfish and as I walked away he threw it at me and hit me with it yet I was the one made to feel like I just needed to get over it and stop being so ‘spoiled’ his words. Took me another few months but I dumped his ass and my only regret was not doing it on my birthday. Now I would even hesitate to put a stop to being treated like that. Stand up for yourself!!

Wolfiefan · 05/06/2020 12:17

Doesn’t really make sense TBH. Punctuation and paragraphs would help.
You are crying and having nightmares and can’t eat because he wished you happy birthday?? Confused

megrichardson · 05/06/2020 12:19

If he is this tight now, imagine how tight he'd be if you married him and had kids with him. Get rid. Bullet dodged.

LadyGAgain · 05/06/2020 12:22

He sounds awful. Ditch him and move on. He won't improve with age. He isn't a fine wine.

happinessischocolate · 05/06/2020 12:22

It shouldn't be this hard, when you're having to analyse your relationship like this then it's time to finish it. No justification required to either yourself or to him, just the realisation that this isn't working how it should.

AriettyHomily · 05/06/2020 12:28

Good grief. Just move on.

frazzledasarock · 05/06/2020 12:32

Sooo you bought him a present on your birthday?

You got nothing.

Of course you're upset. Ditch him.

rottiemum88 · 05/06/2020 12:33

We are in a long distance relationship (we planned to see each other)

Have you ever seen each other in person? I'm sorry if it's covered further down but I got a bit lost with you post. Either way, you're over invested - both in him and in small details that really don't matter. This kind of intensity will lead to a really dysfunctional relationship that isn't good for anyone.

Windyatthebeach · 05/06/2020 12:34

He is a knob.
Ltb.
He just isn't that interested op..
His loss.

Crystalspider · 05/06/2020 12:36

He's one of those who's all talk and no action. Saying he loves you is easy but actually demonstrating he loves you is last thing from his mind, if he can't do something as simple as making your day special then he's not worth it, its not hard to buy a gift or flowers or even a hand written card, doesn't have to be expensive but it shows he's put some thought and care into your birthday, he has not.
I'm not sure your going to get a solid future with him if this is best he can do so far.
Only calls last thing a night, how nice of him to fit you in last minute!

Your choice but there's better men out there.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/06/2020 12:48

Sorry you sound really needy and slightly unhinged.
I know this may seem upsetting and obviously you will have the usual LTB/he is a loser comments from the Misandry posters, but it seems he has to jump through a number of hoops just to give you a present.

SunshineCake · 05/06/2020 12:53

I am really sorry but that was impossible to read but I read enough that this guy isn't worth your time.

Moondust001 · 05/06/2020 12:58

Let me be clear - you have never met your boyfriend, this is just an on line conversation? I think you both need to redefine "relationship" and "in love".

BiggerBoat1 · 05/06/2020 13:05

Leave him.

Learn to use punctuation and paragraphs.

Be happy!

FamBae · 05/06/2020 13:08

I'm sorry OP but I don't understand how you can have nightmares about losing someone you have never met, is inconsiderate and despite his flowery words of love and affection does not put them into practice. How do you communicate, email, Whats app, Messenger? Does he acknowledge you on social media as his girlfriend, because if the most you get on your birthday is a Happy Birthday and an emoji and late night phone calls I have to wonder if he has another person in his life, girlfriend or wife. You come across as very young, don't waste your time on some one who can't be bothered you deserve better Flowers

wobblywinelover · 05/06/2020 13:22

He sounds like a nightmare OP. Are you sure he's not in a relationship already? sounds like he's making lots of excuses around the times he can actually speak to you. The cold 'happy birthday' message on social media also points to this - he doesn't want his other half to catch on that he's in an online relationship with someone. But anyway, he's making you miserable and confused- time to ditch his ass! JMO

userabcname · 05/06/2020 13:23

Ditch him. Then massively raise your standards. Don't compare shit behaviour e.g. oh he's really selfish but at least he's not a player. It's just a downward spiral of shit that people seem to get trapped in. If he is selfish then it's no good; it doesn't matter that he is better than other men you know. Have high standards and don't settle for less.

CrazyToast · 05/06/2020 13:24

He doesn't care the way he should or give time. I will tell you something I learned about men---if they want you, really want you, they will show it. They will make the effort to be with you, without being asked.

If they don't, even after you ask them, then they just don't care enough.

It isn't about you, it is him. He is not emotionally able to love you properly because he is immature and selfish.

I would leave him, my lovely. He will cause you misery and you can do much much better!

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2020 14:34

Not a keeper!

Your instinct is spot on. He doesn't really value you. Get rid - you're wasting your time.

Yeahnahmum · 05/06/2020 14:40

Are you both teenagers?
Ditch him op

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