Is this a big deal?

[blahohdear]

My partner sent a photo of his best friend's wife to a couple of his friends in a group chat. The photo was taken from her Instagram. She's really attractive, and was doing some sort of sexy pose in the photo.

He sent this pic to a couple of his friends, along with messages along the lines of "look at this, would you let your missus post photos like these on the internet?"

I found out about this because he accidentally showed the photo to me on his phone. I didn't even see it but he thought I had, and then didn't want to tell me what it was. He initially just asked me to trust him and not ask what it was, but I said I wanted to know, so he told me about sending the photo to his friends, and he showed me the photo.

He's made several comments to me about her before and how he would not be okay with his "missus" posting photos like that (she quite often posts photos like that). I asked him if he's sent his friends photos of her before and he said one other time.

He said he knew it'd be a big thing if I found out so he had already deleted the image on WhatsApp (but wouldn't show me the messages), but he forgot to delete the photo off his phone. His attitude seems to be that he thinks he screwed up because he didn't hide the evidence well enough. I told him it was a shitty thing to do and he apologised from "a moral point of view" and said he wish that he hadn't done it and that I hadn't seen it.

He's commented on her photos a number of times to me, always along the lines of not understanding how her husband could possibly be okay with her posting photos like that. And he's mentioned it a few too many times for me, and every time he does I feel uncomfortable, it's none of his business and why does he care? As far as I know she's in a really solid relationship with her husband, and they are both friends with me and my partner.

I feel weird about it, I know it could have been worse but I just feel like it's a bad sign, and the fact that he seems more put out by the fact that he didn't delete everything properly.

I've been trying to talk to him about it but he's obviously only looking at Messenger between playing games of Call of Duty with his friends and ugh, even as I type this I know how pathetic this sounds, sorry. What am I doing. If anyone is still reading, please give me some perspective on this.

TLDR: partner sent sexy photo of his friend's wife to his friends (from her Instagram account), he knew I'd be upset if I found out, which I did because he accidentally showed me the photo on his phone. He's being defensive about it and is annoyed that it is making me question my trust in him.

Sorry if this sounds rude, but how old are you all? Are you married and/or living together?

Your partner sounds like a sexist bellend. What do you get out of this relationship?

I don't think I would see it as a breach of trust, but I think it suggests that he has strange views on women and what they can and can't do with their bodies. It would be one thing to mention it once to you in private, in an honest "that would make me uncomfortable if you did it" way, but it feels different to repeatedly send to his mates. He's shaming her and implying that she's not being a good possession partner.

How long have you been together - and what are his views on women generally? It's hard to say whether it's a red flag without context.

No idea, why care what someone elses wife is doing? ask him to stop looking if it bothers him.

Sounds like a complete sexist twat to me. It's not up to a man how a woman portrays herself on Instagram "wouldn't let my missus post pics like that"... total bollocks. He's perving over her whilst using that quote about her husband/partner not controlling her, as an excuse to deflect from himself. Vile.

He comments under her photos, screen shots them and sends them around his friends.. He seems very invested in her. That would send my spidery senses in to over drive. Why would he care what she does or what her husband "allows" her to do. It's literally none of his business and by that I mean his diffinatly sexist but a sexist that is overly interested in this certain woman.

Yuck! That’s is creepy and weird. I wouldn’t be happy with that either OP!

Yeah, he's lying.

He downloaded the picture because he likes it (probably also to wank over) then when you saw it concocted a lie about how he only downloaded it to show to his friends and say how much he disapproves of her.

On the (very) slim chance he did show it to his mates, it was more along the lines of "look at her, I'd give her one" which is why he won't show you the thread.

This guy is skeezy and untrustworthy. You can do better.

Would think he is an arse for sending pics slagging off his friends wife, and comments he made. Would be questioning the relationship as doesn't seem like a decent person.

Both sexist (men 'letting' their partners do things? Some ways for women to dress/pose being 'wrong?') and probably fancies her.

It's hard to say whether it's a red flag without context.

@grapesofbath I thought your comments were good. But I don't think there's any context where this isn't a red flag.

Like you said, if he'd expressed that he personally would be insecure with OP doing it that'd be one thing (but still a potential red flag for signalling how he wants her to behave/control) but repeatedly making retro and misogynistic comments and also seeming a bit sleazy and overly interested in someone other than his partner is another.

After my ex, I see misogyny as a red flag. It shows how they might potentially think of/treat a woman.

He's admitted to being the kind of guy who thinks a man needs to give his partner 'permission' to look a certain way on her own instagram. Honestly, for me, that kind of sexist controlling 'old school' point of view is a massive red flag so regardless of whatever you and the other posters here might speculate could also be happening, what he's happily admitted to you is already too much for me. I'd have been outraged if my partner said anything like that, but then we quite often look at instagram pics of our friends where they've clearly made an effort and are enjoying their bodies and show each other and comment that feel really happy for that person so maybe that's just us being all liberal and weird.

Very creepy looking at his mates wife and sending her pic to his mates and commenting on them. Very disturbing and disrespectful behaviour to his friend and the wife.

Very sensitive comments as well. His behaviour would just put me off him tbh. I wouldn't desire a sexual relationship with him, or want him to touch me and I would lose respect for him....

That doesn't make for a great marriage...at that point it would be pretty much over.

Your partner is a massive creep.

Yeah he fancies her. My exh used to say the same thing about women he couldn't stop thinking about. Usually my family members.

Put a sexy pic of yourself on social media and caption 'would you let your missus pose like this?' and then tag all his mates.
What a knob.

He fancies her. He's a liar and a creep.

Mentionitis. Drooling over his best friend’s wife and forwarding her photos. Revolting and sleazy behavior. He is using the ‘Can you believe?’ as a cover to perve.

He has no regard for you or for this couple. I couldn’t be with such a loser.

I think he's lying and he actually said something complimentary otherwise he would show you!

He thinks that it's ok for a man to tell his partner what to post online and what not to. He's been saving pictures of her. He sounds disgusting. Why are you with this sexist creep? You can do a lot better

It sounds like he’s perking over her. I would not be happy if she was someone in my social circle.

I think he’s piqued by her attractiveness...but not necessarily lusting after her.
I don’t know what his beef is with the poses or her dh’s role in what photos are appropriate to share or not. He’s a bit fascinated by her isn’t he?

"would you let your missus post photos like these on the internet?"

Let?! Who does he think he is? Why does he care so much what another man's wife is doing?? It's bizarre and a bit creepy. He sounds a bit obsessed, especially if this isn't the first time.

He's also a bit confused about why he's in the wrong. Worrying that he didn't hide the evidence quick enough rather than what he's actually done is bizarre behaviour.

I suggest he blocks her account and agrees not to look at her again, as he doesn't seem to be able to control himself.

Agree with everyone. But what on earth does “ apologised from a moral point of view “ even mean?! He’s a tosser, both literally and figuratively .

So you haven't seen the message he sent to his mates? He just told you it was about the type of photo she sent?

Because I'm thinking it didn't say that at all.

Clearly he fancies her.

On my, a sexist man who thinks that the way women behave should require permission from men. Must be a day with a "y" in it.

Sounds like he has a crush on her and wants to show her off to his friends under the pretence of asking them if they'd approve if their dp did it.