Do I confront work colleague/friend, over MH support?

[duacheapa]

Sorry if this turns into a long one...

I have been receiving therapy through work, for the past 8 weeks, after experiencing a massive lapse in my mental health. I have a long history with depression, but for the best part of 11 years, I have managed to cope 'by myself'.

I struck up a friendship immediately, with a colleague when I started my job a year and a half ago. They are senior to me, but do not directly line manage me. For the most part; it's been great, full of laughter, respect and trust. Though not to say it's always been smooth, as we both acknowledge we have the ability to push each other's buttons, and fall out from time to time.

This colleague picked up pretty quickly, that I wasn't 'right'. And was quite persistent, until I eventually opened up. Initially, they were supportive and encouraging of me to use the support service.

Unfortunately, I've had quite a few hiccups in trying to organise the session times, without the fear of other colleagues finding out. I came to them for help/support with this, but after some flimsy suggestions, and never checking to see if I resolved the issue, I didn't come to them again.

A couple of weeks ago, we had in service training booked for the same morning as my therapy. Initially the time slot I was booked onto, did not clash..... until it was changed. I have a terrible habit of checking my work emails even on days off, and thankfully in this case it was the right thing to do. My colleague has changed my slot so it was the same time as my therapy. Despite knowing the time of it, and of course me coming to them originally for an alibi!

It made for some uncomfortable discussions the next morning, as I had to lie to colleagues as to why my slot was changed again. I felt awful. I hate lying, and feel like I am spinning one massive web, that I will eventually cock up on.

This has left me feeling so vulnerable, let down and hurt. I opened up to this person about the most personal, hardest of things. The biggest skeleton in my closet. And I feel like they have betrayed that trust. How can I possibly trust them again? It surely proves that this person, doesn't in fact give the remotest damn. And has some audacity to call themselves my friend.

I know that I need to accept that, and try and move on. But we have to (at least) work in the same department for the foreseeable. We've barely spoken since, but I'm pretty sure they know I'm upset - though will claim they don't know why.

Should I let them know how this has made me feel? Or should I leave it?

Thank you for reading and sorry it was long.

It sounds as if you're feeling this more acutely because of your illness. Just because you've confided in someone doesn't mean you're at the front of their thoughts at all times. They probably just forgot.

What you're going through is a big thing for you, it isn't for them. It doesn't mean it dismisses how you feel as it's obvious you feel cut but talking to them about how they've wronged you won't help. Its a bit of a burden for one person to be passed the weight of someone else's sadness.

Why don't you open up more with your colleagues? mental illness isn't something to be ashamed of and you might feel more at ease if it isn't this massive secret.

I agree with Gamerchick there. She put that really well.

The likelihood is that the clash wasn’t intended.

I hate to say it, but I think the PP’s maybe have a point.

Is it possible you’re over analysing this?

Sorry for the late response, thank you all for your replies.

Yes I know, that I'm currently suffering quite badly, so my feelings/reactions are heightened.
I'm not considering confronting them, so that I feel better. I just know from experience with this person, that they would rather I tell them if I'm 'upset' with them, instead of (to use their words) 'letting it fester'.

I think why I haven't so far, is because it still feels raw to me. So I know I'm not in control, or perhaps thinking in the most rational way.

My therapist touched on being more open about my mental health with colleagues. It is something I have 'tested the waters' with, and thus far have not been encouraged by the response.
Hence again maybe, why I am so cut up by this. As it was a big thing for me to open up about.

My past experience with family/friends/colleagues with regards to my mental health, hasn't been great. And I guess has led me to be even more, defensive/closed off about the subject.

I don't think I would give the friend the benefit of the doubt - if you asked them to give you "an alibi" for the appointment, then yes, it's possible they forgot - or they just might not be very nice underneath. Either way, they let you down, and I'd be careful of sharing/asking favours for the future.

And tbh I think that colleagues etc are often bloody useless and make things worse if they know this kind of thing about you.

Isn’t it perfectly possible she just forgot that you needed a particular slot? I also honestly don’t get the need for an ‘alibi‘ and the secrecy around colleagues knowing that you’re very depressed and in crisis and seeking help. Without having to think, I can list off several colleagues, not all in my department — one very senior — who I know have had serious MH collapses in the recent past, in some cases needing considerable time off work.

Honestly for me work colleagues are just that colleagues. It already sounds like quite an intense relationship when you've not know each other that long. I'd never open up to colleagues about deeply personal stuff.

Do you think they have some sort of malicious intent or it's just thoughtlessness?

Could it have been that they had no choice to change the time ? Perhaps they were told by senior management or the person doing the training ?

Have you asked them ?

I try to support a colleague with mental health problems but find the most difficult aspect to deal with is how due to his mh problems he internalises everything and makes decisions about other people's motivations and thoughts and feelings which are often way off the mark.

And yes, agree with @dubiousdecision. This person is a senior colleague dealing with scheduling in-service training for everyone, and not just simply your friend.

catergory12 Thank you. My therapist could see this point, and where I'm coming from. Along with a friend I've been able to confide in.
It just feels personal, because it is to me. Yes I accept the fact that they are senior and have a job to do. But it's always been them, that's pushed the 'friend' narrative.

Yes I would agree that the relationship is very intense.

I can see that this could simply be an oversight. But when I approached another senior colleague for an 'alibi' they sorted it straight away, and didn't forget. To me showing good management, but also reliability.

No we have not discussed what's happened at all. We are barely talking and are giving each other a wide birth. And that's why I posted, should I address it or not?

Should I just accept that; yes it was an oversight, yes they forgot, because they're not a friend, so it doesn't really need to be discussed?

Having an intense friendship with a colleague can be quite high risk, particularly when (as here) there is an overlapping work and personal situation; and particularly when one party is vulnerable.

Did your colleague apologise when she realised she'd messed up the scheduling? If so I'd be inclined to let the matter rest.

I would not address it, because I'm getting a few red flags off the fact they've pushed the intensity. Sometimes you meet emotional vampires or people who have their own agenda under the niceness. I'd pull back and watch them.

Is there any chance that she could have got muddled and remembered your conversation incorrectly so thought she was doing you a favour?

In NLP one of the things they teach you is about ensuring things are framed in the positive as if they are framed in the negative people often forget the negative bit. An example - saying to dh when he went to the supermarket to get some yogurt - any flavour they have but not strawberry. What flavour did he come back with - strawberry. When I asked him why he said that he remembered our conversation and that he was trying to remember the flavour I had mentioned - which was strawberry - rather than what I had actually said. I realised that sort of thing happens a lot once it had been pointed out to me (it’s also a classic example of if somebody says don’t think of an elephant you can’t help it whereas if they hadn’t mentioned it you wouldn’t have been thinking I’d an elephant) so I now try to turn what I say around to say the positive way round.

Should I just accept that; yes it was an oversight, yes they forgot, because they're not a friend, so it doesn't really need to be discussed?

Your logic is strange here -- why should they fact that this person possibly forgot the reason you were originally scheduled for a particular slot have any bearing on whether or not they're your friend? Surely an oversight is equally possible whether they're your friend (and you clearly consider them one?) or simply a sympathetic senior colleague?

wibdib I like that. And guess that is so true with some people. That certain aspects of a conversation stick out, but the message with it is confused/lost.

I have another colleague who clearly does this, and does only catch certain parts of a conversation. Then goes on to repeat it incorrectly to others

Neap I find my logic strange too
In honesty, I have no idea what happened and why. But I am seeing this as maybe an opportunity to step back from the intensity of this friendship.

It’s a shame you can’t open up more to your colleagues. Why is their culture so stigmatised aroundmental health issues?

Can you ask for sessions outside of working hours or at lunch breaks, if that is better for you?

I can't decide from your posts if you actually want to continue the friendship, @duacheapa? I mean, it sounds odder to me that for two friends who work together you've started giving one another a wide berth suddenly, without any falling out, than the changing of the training schedule.

I'm friends with colleagues, one of whom I'm very fond, and who has had significant MH problems (eight months off work about eighteen months ago) -- I'm not her line manager, but as Head of Programme, I had to timetable her, and didn't give her preferential treatment when it came to awkward timeslots or unpopular rooms etc. It can be difficult trying to juggle work friendships that involve you knowing about someone else's vulnerabilities with running a department professionally in a way that is fair to all colleagues.

They made a mistake. I know it was excruciating for you, but I doubt they did out of malice, they probably momentarily forgot you have therapy at that time.

yes they forgot, because they're not a friend

Just because they forgot, doesn't mean they're not a friendly colleague (none of these are solely our friends, they're colleagues. If you think of them that way they'll be less likely to upset you.) She just cocked up.

I'm not saying that you should make a habit of confiding in them more.

Could you take some time off sick?

As to being more open about your mental health at work- I don't think that's a good idea in most workplaces TBH. If they have a counsellor or mental health first aider then you could talk to them if you need to, but not to colleagues. I have a severe mental health disability so I know what I'm talking about I think.

I would just take some time off if you can, and do so quietly- just present the person who needs to authorize it with a Dr's note.

NoMoreDickheads thank you for your reply. You've put it perfectly. Yes, I know it wasn't done maliciously, despite how excruciating I have found it. Do you think that maybe I should try and have a conversation about it all? Again I stress; not to make the other party feel bad, but to clear the air, and acknowledge that I've thought it through.

Either way, we still need to work together, and it would be good if we at least could move forwards in a professional manner.

I have thought a lot about taking time off work, but have always been able to tell myself that I'm well enough and coping. Though at times I feel that couldn't be further from the truth.

I agree with you with regards to opening up to colleagues. For me it is such a personal thing. I don't want it to effect work or my work relationships. It has done in the past, when I first suffered in my late teens and early twenties. I did not receive any support, or acknowledgement of what I was going through. I was made to feel unwanted, a problem, that something was very wrong with me.

WearyandBleary Ah yes I have tried to get it changed to more accommodating times, but unfortunately they were not able to. It would make things so much simpler!

I've tried with a colleague I work closely alongside. But their response is very much 'pull yourself together'.

Yeah, I think in an ideal world, people generally and colleagues would be empathetic and supportive, but in practice a lot of people don't really want to know. So suggestions that you're open with people aren't necessarily appropriate.

If I were you, I'd book in your appointments as medical and not feel you have to explain them.